Family Guy

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.

It's almost Oscar night.

Boy, we've lost so many greats this year,

including a dead costume designer

who will get spill-over applause

from the photo of Sean Connery that directly precedes him.

Tonight, we salute some past Best Picture winners,

whichever ones I spin on this wheel.

The wheel has spoken!

The Silence of the Lambs.

Ah... what a beautiful day to not get bodily fluids

thrown in your face and hair.

And now, for some rock tunes to pump me up.

Oh, right, 'cause it's the early '90s.

Vaulting over a log.

Jumping a water hazard.

Climbing up a cargo net.

Becoming an FBI agent is basically

like being on Battle of the Network Stars.

- Aah! - Agent Starling.

Good to see you.

Wh-Why is your face so big?

Oh, this movie is mostly extreme close-ups.

Oh. Yeah. Weird.

Anyway, sorry you had to come so quickly,

but this thing with no timetable couldn't wait.

We need you to talk to a super smart psychopath.

How smart?

Like, he can do the New York Times crossword

through Thursday.

Friday, he can maybe get a corner or two.

So, what's the job?

Fancy creep, eats people.

- Talk to him. - Got it.

And this is a big deal, 'cause you're a woman.

We're not gonna say it's a big deal,

but everyone watching will know it's a big deal

'cause of the time period,

even though a man is helping you.

Now run along, toots.

So, you're in the FBI, huh?

Me, too.

Got this bad boy in Venice Beach.

Okay, all right.

You can talk to Lecter now.

Hello, Clarice.

Dr. Lecter, I need your help.

Nope, nope, nope. I'll only help if there's a quid pro quo.

Okay, what is it?

I want Mario Lopez to record my outgoing voice mail message.

What?! You're insane!

He's a huge star at this specific sliver of time.

Figure it out. Those are my terms.

Sorry, these Capri Suns are notoriously difficult to open.

You need some help?

Yeah, thanks.

I can't seem to get this giant 1991 computer

into the back of my van.

Careful, I had it on for 20 minutes, so it's very hot.

Okay, I got what you asked for.

Hey, this is Mario Lopez

letting you know that Hannibal Lecter

can't get to the phone right now,

so please leave a message.

And now, I think I'm about to be saved by the...

Not good enough!

I wanted him to record it as Slater.

What?! You never said that!

It should've been understood.

Don't test me, Starling.

A census taker did that once,

and I ate his liver with dry Cheerios

and a mashed-up banana.

Sorry, I'm just a little nervous.

When I was a girl,

I went to live on my uncle's farm,

and I heard these lambs screaming,

screaming as they were being slaughtered.

It was horrible.

- And I want to thank Alan Weiss at William Morris.

Also, my high school drama teacher, Lucas Wohl.

- Oh, they were just killing those poor lambs.

I wanted to save them, but I couldn't.

And, Mandy and Jenny at home, go to bed, kids.

Mommy did it!

I am coming home with one of these!

- (laughing) - (applause)

CVS brand lotion?

It's the same ingredients as Nivea.

It puts the off-brand lotion on its skin,

or else it gets the hose again.

The top isn't even a pump.

You're paying for the pump!

Dr. Lecter, we are running out of time.

I need you to give me some clue,

anything that might lead me in the right direction.

His name's Buffalo Bill, heavyset blond kid

who lives in that crappy place behind McDonald's.

Hmm.

I'll have to really lean

on my budding criminology skills

to decipher these obscure breadcrumbs.

Coming up, dinner.

But first, I turn my back to a dangerous murderer.

Oh, hey, Sarge. Your wife called and said it was urgent.

Oh, uh, okay.

Yeah, she sounded very not happy.

You need to call her back ASAP.

Got it, thanks.

Starting to think I did this guy a favor.

It puts its finger on the doorbell.

We're looking for someone.

Have you seen her?

Oh, wait, is she that great, big, huge, plump,

very large, Rubenesque, fat girl who went missing?

Yes, she is rather heavy,

and as you can see, not particularly attractive.

We've had reports that her personality

is quite grating as well.

MEG (distant): I can still hear you guys!

I'm not loving this night vision setting.

Maybe I should try Night at the Roxbury vision.

It puts the bullet in the fat guy.

And, for having successfully scaled a cargo net

and connecting two note cards with a piece of red string,

Clarice Starling, you are now officially a lady FBI.

You should probably answer that.

I mean, you're the closest thing to a secretary in here.

Ugh.

Hello, FBI. This is Clarice speaking.

Hello, Clarice.

I just wanted to let you know that I respect you,

and how important it is that you're a woman.

Thank you for saying so, Doctor.

'Cause if you were a man,

I would definitely be captured or dead by now.

- Oh, I... - Like if you're Clint Eastwood, I'm dead.

- Harrison Ford? Dead. - Well, Doctor, I've really got...

You know, I'm not betting against the Twin Peaks guy...

what's his name? Creepy white guy.

- Kyle MacLachlan. - Kyle MacLachlan, right.

How do I keep forgetting that?

It's like in my top five dude names. I have a list.

- Dr. Lecter, I really have to go. - So do I.

I'm having an old friend for dinner.

Y-You're gonna eat a friend?

That was kind of supposed to be the last line,

and you ruined it.

I'm gonna say it again and then hang up quickly.

I'm having an old friend for dinner.

- What?! - Oh, my God, this bitch.

My name is...

whatever Kevin Spacey's name was in this movie.

I bet you think behind that door is

a happy, all-American family.

Nope.

Just me in the shower

with Johnson & Johnson and Johnson.

There were some tears.

That's my wife out there, cutting roses.

Oh, just a heads-up, there's a ton of roses in this.

I guess they're supposed to mean something. (Sighs)

You know, when I agreed to this,

I 100% thought it was American Pie.

Always read the second word of the title

before you sign something.

Oh, hi, Carolyn. We're your gay neighbors.