The Simpsons

The Simpsons 20x01 Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes

Timing/Texts NnS08

Whoo-hoo. St. Patrick's Day. I love how they made the river green.

Actually my nuclear plant did that.

And now, that you know, your life is in danger.

Greetings fellow Irishman, and lady Irishman.

I, Joseph Fitzgerald, O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donald The Edge Quimby.

Welcome you to Springfield's first booze-free St. Patrick's Day.

Come on people.

Your drunken Shenanigans destroy the town every year.

And Ireland is so much more than the imbibing of spirits -

The Irish gave the world the paddywagon, the shamrock shake,

And folk dancing, where you don't move your arms.

Where is the IRA, when you need them?

We renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb.

In the old days we would've been all over that.

Oh no. The Northern Irish are also having a parade.

Two kinds of Irish people?

What are they fighting over? Who gets to sleep in the bathtub?

Actually those prots and caths these have hated each others for centuries.

It always comes down to transubstantiation versus consubstantiation.

Stop it! Both of you!

You have a common land, a literature, and the sweetest songs on earth.

* Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral *

* hush my little baby, hush now, don't you cry! *

Oh no! Without the booze these guys all remember

how much they hate each other.

This was such a pleasent St. Patrick's Day till the Irish people showed up.

They took my cupcakes.

All right you unwanted miracles.

Give back the ladies cupcakes, you don't have the teeth for it.

Oy, but we could gum the frosting.

Well if it's good gummin' you're after,

why don't you rather have this lovely cabbage?

Here you go, ma'am.

Thank you so much, mister...

Patrick Fairley, at your service.

Marge Simpson. Well, Mr. Fairley,

the least I could do is offer you a cupcake.

Light, moist, and such a marvelous shape retention.

Marge, I own a small bakery.

Will you bake for me?

Me? A professional baker's employee?

Imagine how different my life would be!

Here we are at school, kids.

Hey what are those boxes in the back?

- Cakes. - See you.

- I'll do it. - Bless your heart you won't regret it.

I already don't. Homer! I've got great news.

I'll use my one phone call to find out all about it.

Mulk requests change of venue.

Green monster cannot get fair trial in downtown Springfield.

Granted.

Homer Simpson. You're a repeat offender.

Threepeat.

Bail is set at 25.000 dollars.

I make that in a year.

I suggest you see a bail bondsman.

Ok, Simpson. All your information checks out.

I called your boss to verify your employment

and he says you're fired for getting arrested.

You'd be amazed, how offen that happens.

We'll put up your bail money

just pay us 10% and show up for your court date.

And if I don't show up?

Then you gotta deal with me.

The name's Wolf and I'm a bounty hunter.

If someone skips bail, I track 'em down, and bring 'em back.

I also take a tooth, make a plastic cast, put it on this necklace

then replace the tooth at my expense.

Well, time to go back to my world of sleezy bars, tattoo parlors and greasy spoons.

What a great job! And I could use a job right now.

Whoa. Not just anyone can be a bounty hunter!

You have to pass an online exam. No wait, I got rid of that.

There is a 10 dollars filing fee, but you can get around it.

Congratulations, you're now a bounty hunter.

Ok, I've set my trap.

Now to scatter my cheese cubes, and the rats will come.

Condos! Affordable condos! Bailjumpers welcome!

Bailjumpers welcome?

That's refreshing after the cold shoulder we got at the townhomes at sterling point.

Let's not get too excited till we find out if it's in a good school district.

So wait, are we telling people now?

Stop! In the name of a private citizen

with no connection to the law!

Now, are you gonna come quietly, or do I have to...

Now let's take about this:

If you shoot me I won't be able to stop you

and you'll be free to go.

But someone may come after you.

Probably not, given your reputation for shooting people who come after you.

What I'm trying to say is not shooting me now

would be the biggest mistake of your life.

- Bulletproof glass. - Flanders?

Yep, I'm just replacing the front window at my store,

which was broken in the riot.

Young man, what would your mother say,

if she knew you are shooting nice people in the brain?

She'd say that year off from Princeton was the worst decision, I've ever made.

Well, son if you take responsibility for you actions,

this could be the start of a better life for you.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should...

This case is in the bag.

- Homer you could've killed him. - I sure could've, thanks to you.

Now I can clearly see potential customers

walk right past my store.

Enjoy you shopping elsewhere!

Hey Ned, I've brought you something.

What the...?

It's you share of the money for bringing in that bailjumper.

And I never thought I'd say this, but

we make a great team.

Us? A team?

As the salad said to the soup: I'm all mixed up.

We should be bounty hunters together.

You're kind and smart, I'm cruel and strong.

Together, we're nothing.

But together we're the perfect bounty hunter.

Well I could use money.

You have to promise me something, Homer.

Sure. What is it?

We have to do everything by the book.

And you have to promise no didleys or doodleys.

My friend, you have a deal-aroney.

D'oh!

Oh, Marge!

Your talent with cakes is a rare and precious thing.

Well, thanks. But I've been wondering.

Why do you only have me make spheres, rods and half-moon shapes

Well, Marge, I'll tell you...

...right after I talked to these customers.

We're going to a bachelorette party for a really naughty girl.

Yeah. We need something tasty and tasteless.

I've got just the thing. Courtesy of my newest baker.

Freshly frosted ass-cake.

Oh my god! This is an erotic bakery.

Delicious.

Now, what do you have in the way of a suggestive cannoli?

We have quite a selection.

- Oh boy. - I'll leave you with the book.

How could you not tell me? This is an erotic bakery?

Marge, calm down!

For as long as there's been baking, there's been erotic baking.

It fills a need, and harms no one.

Harms no one? Explain that to...

Well what about... I think you forgot about...