Wit’s End

Hey, Boo, Mommy's gonna strangle you if you take her snow globe again.

I know, Dad, but it's the only chance we're gonna have to see snow this year.

It is pretty, too.

What are you working on?

I'm working on Algebra 2.

Can you dear old dad help?

No way!

Why?

Because there's letters AND numbers.

It's not even real math anymore!

You've got a point. It's definitely a Mommy thing.

Yeah.

Did you see the Knight's game the other night?

Dad, you still watch the Knights? They suck.

That they do, but you know I'm a loyal fan; I can't help it.

I've been watching them since before I was your age.

So you're loyal to the laundry not necessarily the team.

Absolutely.

I am under the understanding

that YOU are going to be in Tampa next week.

Yes, you are correct.

And Tampa has the best cowboy boot stores. You know, your dad's a size 14.

Dream on, Dad.

You can always get me a cowboy hat.

Could I though? I'd have to get it custom-made for that big head of yours.

Ouch!

I love you, pal.

I love you, too, Dad.

Guys, does it get any better than this?

A February night and we're camping.

Yeah, there's something about that sentence that doesn't quite make it.

February. The whole camping part for me is what kills it. And February just doesn't... weird. It is weird.

It kind of gives you that global warming is kind of an effect kind of thing.

I know it's climate change, whatever, but it is weirdly, oddly, like warm,

unlike this beer which is nice and cold.

I gotta, I gotta tell you, Steve, I've never seen anybody dressed so snazzily to go camping.

You got a cool blazer, button-down shirt.

Yeah, dude, what are you doing?

I'm not an outdoors guy.

You're like the Johnny Cash of camping.

Thank you, that's what I was going for.

I like it. I like it.

Like who is he gonna run into while camping? I don't get it.

It's like a hot-looking bear like "Hey, what's up?"

Well, flashy colors I think, if I'm, you know, I'll throw them off.

No, It's true. It'll run after you. I hope.

Remember, the bear only eats the slowest out of all of us.

Okay, well then, I'm finished.

I think he means mentally, which in case we're good.

Oh!

What you're line? What?

What's you're line?

ZING!

It is weird that it's so warm here.

It's also weird that we're out camping.

No, it's not.

It is. Your wife and daughter go away, for how long?

They'll be, maybe, seven to ten days they're gonna be down there.

And you think yourself ALRIGHT the wife and kid are gone, let's do something cool...

camping.

Camping.

We used to love to go camping.

Yeah, as kids.

Now we're older guys.

Now we think of the wife and kid are gone,

you call up friends and play poker.

You go out and see a game, which we're missing.

Or hey, let's go to an establishment that serves wings

and the ladies aren't dressed as a, as much as normal.

And if we're really being honest here,

I didn't really like camping as a kid, either, but I didn't...

You just blew my mind because you know what I remember so fondly of camping?

I remember that time we went camping we had to be, I don't know,

I was nine, you were like 36.

And you told me you had a crush on Maureen McArdle.

Maureen McArdle.

Wow!

Maureen McArdle, Oh, wasn't she the redhead?

She was the redhead.

Oh, yeah.

The one that got away.

Got away? You had no chance.

She was an older woman.

I was nine she was twelve.

Beautiful.

She was cute. Maureen. She was, she was very cute.

I wonder where, do you think she's camping today? No. Doubtful.

I think she's working at Hooters.

You got to be really cool to camp in February.

Yeah. Cool is the right word.

When are we ever gonna get this chance again? The weather's beautiful.

In the summer. That's when you have another chance.

Many months of chances.

But it is nice and quiet, that's for sure.

Look at those stars, and that moon.

Well, that's the good thing about a cold night,

it makes the sky clear.

Yeah.

But you know what's kind of worrisome?

What's that?

I always was told that when there was that little ring around the moon like that

that means it's gonna snow.

You're out of your mind, man. It's in the 50s.

That's why we're out here on a February night.

It's never gonna snow.

I'm just saying what they tell you.

You know, like red skies at night,

oh sailor's delight. Right.

It's kinda like goes by that.

So seven days, you'll be on your own?

Yeah, I'm thinking that I'm gonna take a ride up to the cabin tomorrow.

I picked up some Valentine's Day gifts when I went to the fair with the with the girls last time

and really excited about giving it to them. But I'm gonna go up I'll do a

little fishing, do a little hiking, it's not all the time that I get you know a little you alone time.

Hold on a second.

You mean to tell me you actually go and buy Valentine's gifts AHEAD of 24 hours before Valentine's Day?

Not usually. Like a lot of time? Not usually.

They saw stuff at the fair.

My daughter saw this really, really cool panda hat and she fell in love with it.

And my wife saw this fleece that she really likes. I really have trouble finding them gifts

so whenever they find something that they really like, you know. I try to get it.

You're making me gonna vomit a little. You're so cute.

You're such a good dad. I hate you.

It happens.

Yeah, you're a lot of things but you're a wonderful family man.

Yeah, I can bust your chops all I want. I prefer to hear

about the wonderful things part, you know.

Nah, it's true, though man, I gotta hand it to you,

you really are a great dad. You brought up a wonderful daughter.

And you're a great brother.

Eh.

And you're not too shabby as a friend my...

Thank you sir.

My comrade over there.

Look I mean look at he dressed high-end for your camping.

I say hey let's go camping, he shows up in a tuxedo that doesn't happen all the time.

I wouldn't go camping with anybody else.

Normally at night, when he goes out at night he has a cape and fangs.

When you hang upside down, does that wrinkle?

It helps the heart medication work better.

That's weird. That would be funny. Dracula on heart medication.

How does that work?

Ah, I want to drink your blood but hold on,

let me give you a cholesterol test first. I don't want to drink fatties.

Let me change the battery in my pacemaker.

Oh my God.

Yuck it up guys, yuck it up.

You know we love you pal.

Of course, you're like our other brother that we never had from another mother.

Yes.

You're not getting bitten up?

No man, I think it's in your head.

No man, it's getting very itchy, very itchy.

It's February, dude, what is biting you, snowflakes?

I don't know. I feel it. I know it.

You know what it is? I think you imagine bugs because

when we go camping it's usually NOT February

and we're near something like, you know, June, July and there are bugs.

So this is my imagination?

I didn't say it was your imagination, you did.

So are you guys up to making some s'mores?

I'll eat the ingredients of s'mores. I always find making s'mores a waste of time.

Like every individual part of a s'more is awesome

but then you've got to put it all together, stick it on a stick or some sort of,

you know,

skewer and then put it over fire. And then you got to be the expert

to figure out the absolute melting point of marshmallow

before it falls into the stupid fire thing.

But if you got chocolate and marshmallows and graham crackers

I'm all for eating, just having that.

He's right, that is a lot of work for a snack. Isn't it?

And eventually it becomes like a mission abort

because there it goes, it's gone.

And what a waste of good marshmallow, graham cracker and...

you alright?

I'm getting eaten alive out here, man, come on.

By what?

I mean, you guys... this guy's getting eaten alive.

You're the buzzkill on s'mores.

What happened to you guys? I'm not the buzzkill on s'mores, man.

It's just that we gotta be like all of a

sudden I gotta concentrate on the melting point of marshmallow. Do you

remember when we went to that Van Halen concert

and we tailgated? You ate like 40 s'mores that day.

I was drinking.

Oh gosh, come on, come on! Come on! Gosh!

Okay, I'm not sleeping next to him if he's gonna be like this.

Oh, come on, really?

No, really.

He's gonna be like that in the tent. I'm not going in, look,

I mean, come on, that's a three person, four person tent and he's gonna be like

meh, meh, meh, me, uh.

You wanna pack up, go home and watch the game?

At least I got in a couple hours with you guys out here.

It's either that or it's gonna look like we're camping with someone who's being tased every five seconds. Bzz

All right, we'll go right after I finish this beer.

Alright, bro.

Why don't you start taking down the tent?

Uh, how did I get stuck doing it.

I can get you anything. I love it.