My Stepmother is an Alien

(Thunder rumbling, lightening bolting)

- (Thunderclap) - Hey, love your umbrella. Hmm.

- Oh. - (Thunderclap)

- Uh-oh. - Dr. Mills. Dr. Budlong.

Morosini, Carvalho, come with me.

If he thinks he's going to ruin any more equipment

he's underestimated this facility.

He thinks he's cute, doesn't he?

Yes, but I was Mother's favorite.

- Dr. Mills. Dr. Mills! - Uh-huh.

Dr. Mills, this is the last time I'll warn you.

I won't let the Klystron go above 300.

That's what you said the last time it rained, but you turned it up to 350.

Do you know what it costs to repair a Klystron tube?

I know, Dr. Budlong, I know. I'm very sorry.

But believe me, it's not gonna happen again.

You have my word on that and I promise.

Don't worry. He can't blow up your Klyman tube or whatever it is.

We've got a date tonight. Yeah! Happy hour at Mingles.

Mingles. You know what that means?

What?

It means complimentary hors d'oeuvres.

A veritable who's who of secretaries and beauticians.

It means 20th-century music.

You look like a sensible man.

Do you believe that there's life on other planets?

I don't believe there's life in this room.

Exactly.

But your brother wants to send a radar signal

to a point in space so far away,

it would take 92 years to get there and 92 years to get back.

Ninety-two years? Steve, we're late now.

Indeed. There isn't anything out there, Dr. Mills.

We're it.

Now don't you go above 300 or I'm... I'm revoking your funding.

Now that Dr. Strangelove is gone, let's go. Mingles is at high party.

I can't tonight, Ron.

It's raining. Tonight I've got another destination in mind.

I wanna go right there.

Hey, Clouds of Magellan. It sounds like some kind of woman's underwear.

Er... no, Ron. The Clouds of Magellan is the name of our neighboring galaxy.

So you wanna send a radar signal to the next galaxy?

Well, no. You can't get radar to the next galaxy.

I mean, you'd have to travel faster than the speed of light to do that.

No one can do that.

Look, don't bother watching that. That's not gonna change.

- This is the one to watch, all right? - Oh, I like the Clouds of Magellan.

Well, we can't get there, Ron.

But if we increase the power of the Klystron using lightning,

we may get a signal strong enough to get out of the solar system.

- At least, that's the theory, anyway. - Oh. Oh, yeah. Right.

Yeah. Thanks, yeah. Tell me something I don't know.

Oh, can't this wait?

Secretaries are like animals when it comes to free food.

The reflectors line up for ten days only once every 19 months.

And now, with all this rain, we've got lightning, it's perfect.

- Perfect for men like us. - Ah-ha!

Christ! Steve, when was the last time you went out with a woman?

January of '86.

No. March of '86.

I took Dr. Elizabeth Conway to see the Halley's Comet retrospective.

- Superb. You see it? - Sure. A couple of times.

How can we be brothers? We don't have a single gene in common.

- Not above 300 kilowatts. - Hi. Hi. Yeah.

- No, no. I'm not waving at you. - OK. Thank you. Have fun.

We won't have time to sweep frequencies.

- We'll lower it below three centimeters. - But... below?

Oh! Hey, it's raining out here. I'm getting wet!

Oh, this jacket is a Ralph Lauren!

- (Thunderclap) - And it's smelly.

Oh, great. Just great.

I'm wet and smelly. They're gonna jump all over me.

- (Thunderclap) - Hey! Do you guys smell fish?

Oh! Oh, it's me!

Help me rotate the dish.

Where's this lightning supposed to strike?

Right here.

Here?

Oh! Hey, that almost hit my shoe. Oh! Oh!

- Excuse me! - Whoa!

All the way up.

I hate this. What the hell is this thing?

Klystron tube.

Potential of 400 megawatts, at an oscillation of 60 gigahertz.

Oh, great. Well, why don't we take this to Mingles?

Science crap.

Stupid piece of garbage.

Now all we gotta do is harness the lightning.

Yes, it's good, it's good! Let's try for the lightning.

- Hey, is this important? - Only if it works.

OK, deep breath. Set your retractors.

Look, how long is this gonna take?

Single women have very short attention spans.

All right. Prepare to initiate the system.

- Now! - Oh, oh! Jesus! Oh!

- (Steve) We got it! We got it! - (Grady) Look at it!

We got it. It's going, it's going! I love you!

Whoa!

- (Alarm blaring) - (Screaming)

What is happening?

Steve! What's happening?

Mills.

Mills!

What is happening?

The Klystron!

Uh-oh.

- (Explosion) - Wow!

Whoa!

A red condition in the second unit.

Fire control! Fire control! The laboratory area.

I'm OK. I am OK.

Beautiful!

What?

My God, I didn't only get out of the solar system,

I just went out of the galaxy.

That means we were traveling faster than the speed of light.

How the hell did we do that?

Hey, Dr. Budlong. I just... We just...

Eleven seconds on the clock. Down by one.

Mills fakes left. Goes around Magic Johnson.

Puts Kareem in the popcorn machine and...

Why can't I dunk? Why can't I dunk?

Is that asking so much?

You got out of the galaxy and they fired you?

We were using lightning to boost the power of the Klystron.

But I shorted every telemetry tracker in the place and all my monitors.

- So there's no proof. - (Sighs)

That's not fair. What are we gonna do?

Well, I might just have to take a...

- (Coughs) - What?

Have to take a... ahem, teaching job.

You know how that is? One position for every 16 applicants.

I could double my babysitting.

Or take up a newspaper route.

Do girls do that now?

It's beautiful up there, huh, kid?

Mmm.

Two hundred billion stars in our galaxy. Wow.

That's really my office up there.

I wish Mom could have lived long enough to see you get out of the galaxy.

She'd be having the whole block in for champagne.

Hmm.

Think you'll ever find a new one like her again?

Oh, boy. Jess, I don't know.

I'm afraid the chances of me finding another woman like your mother

are about the same as me proving there's life on another planet up there.

I figure one in 16 billion.

All right, Larry Byrd, what's for dinner?

Fish sticks. Pop tarts. Frozen pizza.

Whatever else we can nuke in the microwave.

What do you say, Dave?

Can we see Sirius tonight?

You know, it's also called the Dog Star.

Come on.

Hm. It's quite a small planet, really.

Half the size of ours, but very busy.

- (Celeste) Mastered you it yet? - (Bag) Of course.

You know how superb our research is.

Now, all I have to do is teach you everything I know in 20 minutes.

We're at light 30, approaching light 35.

This is a record glide speed. They didn't think we'd make it this fast.

Look, it's Saturn. Could we stop there on the way back?

Maybe.

Why can't I fit Neptune into this picture?