Family Guy

Previously on Family Guy...

Certain of his own wit and intellect,

Brian opened up a Twitter account.

If you ask me, Twitter is the perfect place for that guy,

because he's a twit.

But an off-color tweet suddenly made Brian

a pariah to all of Quahog,

forcing the family to make the difficult choice

of sending him to a crappy apartment

on the other side of town.

Brian, the family has spoken.

You know, you're the only man in America

who looks good in sandals and cargo shorts.

Good luck, everyone. I'll miss you.

Uhp, something's comin'!

Brian. Brian!

I said you're a week late on your rent.

Well, I can get you the money. Hang-hang on.

Let me just make a call.

Hello. You've reached...

- The Griffins! - Chris!

See that? I told you we should've rehearsed this.

Lois, can we do it over?

No, that's eight times.

- Just leave a message. - I'm sorry.

Hey, guys.

It's me again. Brian.

We haven't talked since I moved out,

so I figured, you know, 10:00,

you're probably on the couch watching Pawn Stars.

So, uh, pick up.

Pick up?

Uh, da, da, da, da, da, da.

Maybe you went out.

Da, da, da, da, da, da.

Da, da, da...

Ooh-wa, ooh...

Okay. Well, again, it's Brian.

Um, guys, really, really, call me back.

It's Brian. Bye.

So, what do you think?

Is your family gonna give you money for the rent?

Yeah, I'm thinking no.

Well, you got to do something, Brian.

- You're a week behind. - Okay, okay.

Look, I'll get a job, okay?

There's got to be something I can do.

It's not like I'm Ringo.

Well, lads, what do you think of the new album cover?

Great, but it won't look good when it's shrunk down for a CD.

CD? What's a CD?

A digital compact disc.

Ringo, are you from the future?

Yeah. And I outlive two of you.

- Which two? - Yeah, come on, Ringo. Tell us.

Okay, but you all have to agree to do my song about the octopus.

Hey, before you tell us,

I'm gonna go and smoke a thousand cigarettes.

And I'm gonna move to New York City

and walk in and out of my building.

Okay, everybody, time to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house.

- They're dead. - Not your grandparents, Peter.

I'm talking about my parents.

I hate going there.

I'm not allowed to touch anything in their house.

And, besides, today's Dolph Lundgren's birthday,

and me and the guys always celebrate it

by watching Rocky IV.

Fine, we're probably better off without you.

You always find a way to embarrass us at my parents'.

Please pass the All Fruit.

Pass the Polaner All Fruit.

Pass the Polaner All Fruit.

Would you please pass the jelly?

Hi. We're concerned that many of you Family Guy fans under 40

didn't get that reference,

so I'm gonna take you through the actual commercial.

Okay, typical '80s stuffy brunch.

Please pass the All Fruit.

Clearly the matriarch. She's got the most pearls.

Pass the Polaner All Fruit.

Weird sexual tension there.

Pass the Polaner All Fruit.

Okay, okay, watch. Here's where it all goes to hell.

Would you please pass the jelly?

See? He called it jelly.

See... All right, now, what I don't get is,

if they know this guy, why are they surprised

by the way he talks? Right?

And if they don't know him, why is he at the table?

Okay, now you have the information

that would've made that funny had you had it going in.

All right, you ready to watch Rocky IV?

- Let's do it! -Yeah! - Happy Dolph Lundgren Day!

What the... what the hell?

Try blowing on it.

Crap! It doesn't work!

Well, we got to watch the movie. It's our tradition.

We could just stream it on your Apple TV.

Is that what that is? I thought it was a coaster.

I've been putting cold, wet things on it for a month.

Turn it on. I'm sure we can find Rocky IV on there.

I don't know how to turn it on. It doesn't have any buttons.

Well, maybe it's voice-activated.

Rocky IV! Rocky IV!

Let's just go to the damn store.

Hold on, hold on, let me try screaming at the PlayStation.

Hey, you guys, why the long faces?

Eh, we were trying to watch Rocky IV

and our DVD didn't work.

And that's just Scottie Pippen.

When I was a baby,

they pulled me out of my moms real slow.

We got a bin of old movies.

Rocky IV might be in there.

Let's see.

Talladega Nights, everywhere.

Ladybugs, classic Rodney.

A Million Ways to Die in the West, no, thank you.

Here it is! Rocky IV!

Aw, nuts, this one's written in terrorism.

That's, uh, Cyrillic.

It's a Russian bootleg.

All right, we'll take it. It's better than nothing.

Hey!

Welcome aboard, Brian. This is your coworker, Martha.

Pleased to meet you, Brian.

Pleasure's all mine. So, any advice?

Well, there's a script you can go off of, if you want.

Ah, script. Now you're talking my language.

Writer.

So, watch out, or you might end up in one of my scripts.

"Martha, gorgeous, headstrong,

legs as long as spaghetti noodles, enters."

Why don't you just take your first call?

Suicide hotline.

Hey, I'm a pathetic dog whose family kicked him out,

and I want to kill myself.

- Stewie? - Hey, Brian!

How's the new job going?

All right, here comes the fight.

Get ready to eat it, Drago!

And Balboa is down!

Drago wins!

- What the hell? - Son of a bitch!

Those Ruski bastards changed the movie so Drago wins!

Yeah! Rocky gets up!

Not only does he not get up,

he's holding a sign that says, "Workers of the world, unite!"

Well, that-that seems like a logical idea,

but this aggression will not stand!

I'm writing Vladimir Putin an angry e-mail.

"Dear Vladimir..."

Ho-ho! That's telling him.

"I hope this e-mail finds you well."

Oh, man, I wish I could see his face.

"I'll get right to the point.

"My friends and I were aghast

"when we saw what you did to the end of Rocky IV.

"Everyone knows that any American

"can beat up any Russian on any day of the week.

"Other than that, all is well on this end.

"Chris continues to hit the books as best he can,

"and his grades have shown some improvement.

"Stewie is growing like a weed.

And Meg has become a woman in front of our very eyes."

And... send.

I think we lost a little steam there at the end.

We now return to Captain America: Civil Union.

All right, Captain America, we have to get ready

for the big fight with the other heroes.

- Who do we have on our side? - Well, Hawkeye, we've got you,

Scarlet Witch, the Falcon, and, of course, Randy.

- Who's Randy? - You know Randy.

Lives in my guesthouse.

We've been friends since college.

He's... my pal.

He's the guy I went to Paris with.

You are such a coward!

Randy!

Vladimir Putin?!

Da. Where is bathroom?

I George Brett myself on plane.

Gross!

You can Google that during the commercial.

Oh, my God. President Putin?

What-what are you doing here?

Husband write me impertinent e-mail.

Says any American can beat up any Russian.

I am here to prove him wrong.

You're gonna beat up my husband?

Unless he American chicken.

Did you just call me chicken?

Yes. Chicken.

Fi-cray! Fi-cray! Fi-cray!

Sound different in Russia.

Nobody calls me... chicken.