Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Gentlemen, may I present to you the Suicide Squad.

Hang on there, genius. You want us, your enemies,

to help you bring down Commissioner Kelly?

You guys consider me your enemy?

You're some of my best friends.

We haven't talked to you in, like, three years, C.J.

Wait, yeah. I'm thinking of different guys.

Oh, Raymond, that you came to me to ask for help

shows how much you've matured.

You know what else shows how much you've matured?

Your withered face.

Now I know why you refer to this as a Suicide Squad,

Peralta, because I already want to kill myself.

Why don't you wait a week? You'll probably die of old age.

The only way I'm going to die

is if you touch me with one of your bony fingers

and drag me across the River Styx, you reaper.

Ah, wonderful. Very creative.

Look, John Kelly has to be stopped.

He's spying on civilians.

It's unconstitutional and it's wrong.

Please. Do you think any one

of these jackals cares about what's right or wrong?

- I'll help. - See, sir?

There is good in every person.

But I want it to be known it's for selfish reasons.

Why would you want that to be known?

'Cause I've never met C.J. before

and I want him to think that I'm cool.

It's working.

I mean, I love how you're taking over the room.

Like that? Yeah, it's awesome.

You know, I actually wouldn't mind

getting rid of John Kelly either.

That guy makes up so many dumb rules.

He told me I couldn't eat raw chicken.

And you think a new commissioner will...

Yeah, he's already on board, so yes, a new commissioner

would let you eat raw chicken for whatever reason.

- It's healthier. - It sure is, Ceej.

And what do you hope to get out of this, Madeline?

Let me guess... Revenge on Dorothy for killing your sister?

I want the same as you, Raymond...

I think what John Kelly is doing is terrible.

Yes, well said, Wuntch.

So, we're all on board. This is exciting!

Let's bring it in, huh? "Suicide Squad" on three.

Ready? One, two...

I don't touch other dudes' hands.

- Whose hand is sticky? - It might be me.

- I ate a popsicle earlier. - It's probably Madeline.

Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.

You would know about roaches, you roach.

And three! Suicide Squad!

Sorry. Sorry I'm late.

Why is Santiago here? We agreed to keep this secret.

Well, it's hard to keep secrets

when you're married to an ace detective.

He told me as soon as he got home.

I did. I'm so excited about the Suicide Squad.

Oh, I love seeing these glimpses

of domestic Peraltiago.

- Now kiss. - No.

- You don't do it enough. - We do it all the time,

- just not in front of you. - It's been a year!

We don't have time for this.

Now, Kelly's stingrays can steal cell phone data

from anyone, including us, so I procured

special equipment for us to communicate with.

Extremely old beepers?

Yeah, they're analog, so the stingrays can't detect them.

I had one of these in high school, and it was so cool.

You're just sitting in math class,

and you feel that buzz,

and it's your dad saying he loves you.

The rest of the day, you're just walking on air.

Did you guys just kiss?

- Hm? - Did I miss it?

Yes. It was very unprofessional.

- Oh, come on! - I don't like this.

I wouldn't wish working with Madeline Wuntch

on my worst enemy, and my worst enemy

is Madeline Wuntch, whom I hate.

Look, if you wanna stop Kelly,

she's the key to my entire plan.

So, either you get over it,

or we walk away from this thing right now.

Ugh, fine.

I will learn to trust Madeline Wuntch.

I will never trust Madeline Wuntch.

She's a venomous snake waiting to strike,

and you know what we do to snakes.

Chop their heads off. Remove the skin.

- Turn them into boots. - Don't be absurd.

Who would want Trollskin boots?

You just said she was a snake.

The devil comes in many forms.

No, what I meant was I want you to follow her

and make sure she doesn't betray us.

And, uh, don't tell Peralta.

Count me in. I got nothing else going on.

Aren't you supposed to be getting ready to transfer to Staten Island?

- Eh, that's not real. - It was pretty real last week.

That's before I decided to pretend it wasn't.

- I'm in denial. - Most people who are in denial

don't usually say they're in denial.

That's because they're in denial

about being in denial.

But I'm not in denial.

I'm in denial.

Is Jeffords' brain okay for this mission?

Yes, sir... for this and all future Nine-Nine missions,

which I'll definitely be a part of.

But let's go.

So, this apartment will be our base

for the duration of the mission.

Thank you to The Vulture for procuring it.

Hey, don't thank me. Thank my boy, Billy.

He said the place was mine while he's still in prison.

That's not what it sounds like.

His only crime was planning a kickass music festival.

Are you friends with the Fyre Festival guy?

Best friends. He got a bum rap.

You can learn about it when my documentary comes out.

It points all the blame where it clearly belongs...

with the island people.

Wow, so many levels of terrible there.

All right, we need to catch Kelly

in the act of illegally spying, so here's the plan.

We commit a fake crime so serious

that he's forced to deploy the stingray.

- What kind of crime? - We're gonna kidnap a cop.

But not just any cop... it needs to be someone

so high-ranking that it sends shockwaves

through the system, but not important enough

that their absence negatively impacts the NYPD in any way.

Who you guys thinking?

We're clearly all looking at you.

Oh, God. Am I in charge of the meeting?

Dismissed. Dismissed.

No. You're getting kidnapped, C.J.

Amy, Charles, and I will be the kidnappers.

Captain Holt is the driver. Here's how it'll go down.

- Approaching the target. - All right, let's do this.

Masks on.

Actually, scratch that. We're not gonna use ski masks.

We'll use cool rubber masks.

Ooh, we should be the ladies of "The First Wives Club."

I call Keaton.

We're not gonna do "First Wives Club" masks.

Just because you can't be Keaton?

- Grow up, Jake! - No, because they don't exist.

And also, yeah,

Keaton is clearly the coolest one

and I don't think it's really fair that you just "called her."

Forget it. We'll wear scary gorilla masks.

- Approaching the target. - Okay, let's do this.

Masks on.

When C.J. goes to get his morning coffee,

we will arrive and grab him.

He will pretend to struggle

just enough to attract attention.

Help! Help!

I'm gonna write this down so I remember my lines.

I can see that you already have the word "milk"

written on your hand. I know where this is going.

Milk! Milk!

- Don't do that. - Too risky.

What if you leave DNA evidence at the scene?

Well, luckily, it's a missing person's case,

so the lead detective will be The Vulture.

He will arrive and...

No, no, no, no, no. Hold on, Peralta.

You forgot to say that I ride in on my motorcycle.

Okay, The Vulture who rode in on his motorcycle...

Kobe.

Will take charge and eliminate any evidence

we left behind.

- There's nothing here. - Make sure the other people

working with you are your worst detectives.

I got just the guys for you. I mean, they're real duds.

I wouldn't even trust those two to get coffee for me.

Gerard, tell him where we're at.

Brooklyn.

You know, you guys take off, all right? I got this.

- All right. - Hey, you. Come here.

You wanna tell me what you saw?

I'll tell you what I'd like to see.

- Your big... - Stop.

I'm the one describing the plan.

What, so there's not gonna be any sex at all?

No. The point is,

without any good leads, Kelly will give the order

to use the stingray... an order that we will record

thanks to our very own Madeline Wuntch.

Not possible. Kelly won't tell me anything.

- He won't even meet with me. - Perhaps you can sneak in

disguised as an old leather chair.

Will you calm down? She works at One Police Plaza.

All you have to do is "run into him."