The League of Gentlemen

: Dear Benjamin, we're so glad you're coming to stay withus

if only for the night.

I hope that you and your friend enjoy your hiking holiday,

and don't find our little town too boring.

We've never camped. Uncle Harvey doesn't get on with chemical toilets.

Excuse me, do you mind? This is private.

We're approaching Royston Vasey. Royston Vasey next stop.

This is the end of the line.

- Where to, pal? - Swanmills estate, please.

Right oh!

Are you here for work or pleasure?

Pleasure. I'm staying with relatives and I'm going hiking with a friend.

It's a nice part of town is Swanmills. Lovely shops.

It's where I get my dresses from.

The good thing is, they know me there now.

I couldn't go into Dorothy Perkins once my bust started showing.

I've only been on hormones 18 months, my nipples are like bullets.

- Morning, Dr. Chinnery. - Morning, Barbara.

Thank you forposting a letterinside me.

Sorry, lads.

Morning, Mrs Dyson.

Yes?

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you open?

Yes.

Can I help you at all?

No thanks. I'm just... Just looking.

I haven't seen you before. Are you a local?

No, I'm meeting up with a friend. Going hiking.

- Cheerio. - Can I help you at all?

- Yes, how much is this snowstorm? - Ahh!

- What are you doing? - Sorry.

Don't touch the things!

This is a local shop for local people. There's nothing for you here.

- I can pay. - Keep your hands so I can see them.

I have a husband. He's up the stairs. He's sure to hear everything.

If you were to come back here and touch them, I...

- Edward, Edward! - Hello, hello!

What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.

I caught him stealing from the shop.

Who is he? Is his identity known?

He's not local.

Look here. We're very proud of our town, this is a decent town,

and a local shop. We'll have no trouble here.

- He asked me to open the till. - No!

He has a plan. He covets the precious things of the shop.

Tea-leaf, hey? You people are all alike.

You march in here. Young...

Try and touch the local things.

I suppose next you'll be spraying me with one of those cans of paint.

Smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement.

I've got your number, feller. You won't get far.

He tried to see under my clothes.

Pervert, eh? Got sex on the brain?

Wet the bed, I'll bet, as a boy. No sisters.

I used to be in a war, and I put paid to quite a few like you.

This is a decent town and a local shop. There's nothing for you here.

Tell him I can't have babies anyway.

Tell him my insides are all wrong.

Devil! Go on, take the precious things of the shop, burn down our home.

Rape our dead mouths!

So long as I don't have to listen to any more of your disgusting babble.

Ah!

I'm sorry if I've done anything to upset or offend either of you.

I just wanted to browse in your bloody shop.

Never mind, I'll just leave quietly.

You heard the man, Tubbs.

Get undressed.

Yeah, it's quite a straightforward operation.

Basically, they split the penis in two

and invert it using the membranes.

Hokey, cokey, pig in a pokey.

Hello, gents! It's half past nine.

Time for men with jobs to go to work.

Other men stay in bed 'til dinner time watching Tots TV

thinking about how worthless and pathetic they are.

Good morning, job seekers!

We were thinking yesterday about jobs.

Do you remember? What did we conclude?

There aren't any.

No, Ross. We concluded that there are so many jobs out there

we need to know what our options are.

So today we're going to have a brainstorming session.

Don't worry, Mickey, love. It doesn't hurt.

First up, who can tell me what this is?

- It's a pen. - Yes, Ross. One of Pauline's pens.

Me and Mr Pen are going for a little walk

down the High Street, where we'll see lots of people doing lots ofjobs.

Not our High Street, then.

Oh, look! There's Mr Pastry.

- What do you think his job could be? - Baker.

Yes, good! Baker.

I'm going to write that on the board..."Baker"...

And then... Oh, look who's over there!

It's Mr Cabbages. And his job is...?

Fireman!

No, Mickey, love. He's a greengrocer.

But his good friend is Mr Flames, and he's a...?

Greengrocer.

- No. - Fireman.

Good! Come on, shout more jobs out. Let's get a list going.

- Fireman! - We've got that one, Mickey, love.

- Newsagent. - Good!

- Policeman, carpet fitter... - That's ajob, isn't it?

Doctor, vet, tennis player...

- Football player. - Just a minute. "Tennis player"...

- Fireman! - Window cleaner, gardener, architect.

- Slow down! - Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy.

Butcher, baker, candlestick maker. Fisherman, builder, labourer.

Alright, clever Dick.

That's enough now.

- An astronaut. - Piss off!

Shout out as many jobs as you like, Ross.

You'll never get one, you dole scum.

Can you think of ajob, Mickey, love?

- Yeah. - Ahhh!

You see, Ross? This poor bastard can't even spell "job",

but at least he tries.

J-O...

What's this?

"Dear Mr Mickey, we'd like you to come for an interview this afternoon."

That's brilliant, Mickey. What's it for?

Fireman.

It's not so bad once you get shaved and marked up with lipstick.

But we won't know about lubrication until they open me up.

- Hello, Auntie Val. - Come inside. Quickly, quickly...

- Through here, Benjamin, please. - Thank you, Auntie Val.

- Very kind of you to let me stay. - Not at all.

I was only saying to your Uncle Harvey over breakfast,

we don't see enough of your side of the family.

Whilst you're staying here, we want you to relax,

come and go as you please and treat this place like your own home.

- I'm only staying one night. - I know.

- And I do have to meet Martin later. - Absolutely.

- Oh... - What is it?

It's just a little thing, but we ask you to leave your shoes in the front porch.

- Who's put footprints on the carpet? - Sorry, that was me.

Ah, Benjamin! It's just that in this house we leave our shoes in the porch.

- Underneath the barometer. - Sorry about that.

I was explaining to Benjamin that we want him to relax and feel at home.

Of course, of course.

Take your shoes off.

This way.

Good.

- We thought you... - Not there. There.

Left a bit.

And the right one closer to the left.

That'll do.

We thought you'd be happiest down on the sofa bed.

- You have shower and WC. - Into which we don't pass solids.

And you won't have the girls running in and out.

That sounds great.

I shall be inconvenienced, as this room serves as my study,

but I can stay late at the office.

- If it's any trouble... - No.

It's fine.

I'll explain one or two things, so you feel absolutely at home.

- Firstly, the keys. - Oh right.

They're all colour coded, so it shouldn't take you too long.

This is what I'm saying, Geoff.

There won't be any work if they don't get a move on with the road.

- We're dying on our arses here. - It'll be all right.

Come on, Brian! We've only got an hour for dinner, you know.

- He's bloody deaf, him. - You know what they say, Geoff.

- What? - Mmm.

- Eh? - Mmm.

- I can't hear you. - I said, bummers are deaf.

Ahhh!

- It's a good one, that. - I fell for it and all.

Sorry lads. I was getting that table for tonight.

Brian, you know what they say, don't you?

Bummers are deaf.

- What do you mean? - They're deaf, aren't they?

Bummers are deaf.

I don't know what you're on about, Geoff.

Well I don't. Mike said it.

He was really laughing.

Good afternoon.

It's just through here, veterinary.

You're a good lad.

Thanks for coming at such short notice.

She's in her basket.

I know she won't suffer with you, Mr Chinnery.

- I won't be a minute. - Right.

Hello.

Hello, girl.

On your last legs, you old trooper.

Well, never mind.

Had a good innings, eh?

Chased a few cats. Chewed a few bones.

Well, you won't be in pain much longer.

Don't mind this. Just a silly little needle.

There we go.

Shhh...

Good dog. There.

Shhh...

Off to the land of nod, eh?

Here she is, veterinary. That tumour puts another half stone on her.

- Who have you got there? - It's Blacko.

The poorly one, the one I want putting down, you know.