Weeds

Previously on "Weeds"...

Gayle has a thing for me.

They're dangerous, Andy.

Fornicators!

I'm gonna ask Audra to marry me.

I want to give her my mom's engagement ring,

the ring that Judah gave you.

So, can I have it?

Well, in that case, I love you.

I love you more.

Hey, fuck you.

Her name is Pilar Zuazo.

She is just protecting my public image.

No. Because she owns you.

This little milk ball was a mistake,

mistake that would end the career

of a very promising politician.

I am here to correct that mistake.

Mom?

You took a fucking shot at me and you hit my kid.

Esteban needs you and the baby for photos,

but, uh, Silas and Shane... they are... what's the word?

Extraneous.

We don't need them to complete our pretty pictures.

You come anywhere near my children, I'll kill you myself.

You look stunning in black.

The people will be very sympathetic

toward the grieving mother

who has just lost her beautiful children in a tragic...

car accident?

Or perhaps a... plane crash.

Or perhaps...

A croquet mallet?

I couldn't find a golf club.

It's cool how the lights change color.

I wonder if it's a saltwater pool.

It doesn't sting your eyes as much as chlorine.

Not that that's her issue.

Shane?

Don't let go of that stick... thing.

It's called a mallet.

Oh.

We're on camera.

What?

Could be broken.

Uh, give me the stick.

It's called a mallet.

It's shaped like a mallet.

Mm. For hitting things hard.

Mallet.

- You need to shut the fuck up. - Ow.

Ow.

You're hurting my hair.

Ow, ow.

Ow. Ow.

Where the hell have you been?

I could have been inside eating mini-sliders

and making small talk with the king of Nicaragua.

Nicaragua is a constitutional democracy.

Hey, could we get going?

I need to get home and feed the baby.

Gracias.

Now you're in a hurry, but when I'm waiting...

Is that such a good idea

when you're on your way home to breast-feed?

Hey!

You're underage...

thankfully.

I think I've earned it.

I think you've gone off the deep end.

Ha. Deep end.

No.

What's going on?

We'll talk about it later.

What'd you do?

I pegged out.

Why can't I get a fucking straight answer from you people?

I, uh... don't have words.

That bad?

How was your party?

Well, pack up you, pack up baby.

We need to be out of here in five.

Not coming back.

¿Qué paso?

Cosas muy, muy malo.

Uh, vámonos.

Ahora. Rápido.

Why am I fucking talking Spanish to you?

Make.

Go. Do. Now.

Baby things.

We're leaving.

Hey. You wait a minute.

I like this one.

We both have that fiery Latin thing going on.

And you better not let anything happen to this baby.

You hear me?

Gonna do my best.

Crazy lady.

Let's go. Air hockey.

I'd like to go in the house.

Chill a minute.

If you go in and I go in

and mom comes out and we're still inside,

she's gonna shit a hedgehog.

1-nothing. Go.

Shane, what the fuck happened at the party?

I killed Pilar with a croquet mallet by the pool.

Goal.

Seriously. What happened?

Seriously.

I killed Pilar with a croquet mallet... by the pool.

She was gonna kill us, so I popped the bitch

right in the melon.

Thwack!

Splash.

Dead.

You gonna shoot?

3-zip.

You suck.

You're serious.

As serious as dad's heart attack.

Now, in general, I don't like using that simile

because some heart attacks just aren't all that serious.

I mean, you recover, reduce your salt and fat,

drop a few pounds, and life goes on.

But dad's... dad's was serious.

You killed someone?

Yeah, but I'm family.

I mean, you got to still invite me to super bowl parties

and shit like that.

I assume you're forfeiting the game?

Holy shit, Shane.

I defended the family.

Mom's luck was running out.

You called it.

You're ps... you're psycho.

Mom said you stood and peed on her leg once when you were 3.

That's kind of freaky.

How fucked up are you

that you think that my 3-year-old squirt for attention

is the same as you murdering a woman with a croquet stick?

It's a mallet!

I'll be in the car.

How did you do that?

I work for you. I'm always ready to flee.

You should know yourself better.

Will you call the goons and tell them

we all went to the movies or something

so there's no weirdness at the gate?

You know, in... in Español.

Uh-huh.

Oh, sí, señora. En español.

Would you happen to know

anywhere Esteban has some cash stashed?

In his closet in his black pointy boots,

in the left pocket of his winter coat in the hall closet,

and he has nice jewelry in the drawer in his bathroom...

cuff links, watches.

Have you been casing my house?

I don't touch nothing.

I'm just a curious person.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Where's your brother?

I'm here.

I'm guessing we're not all headed to the police station.

So glad you guys talked.

Get in.

Are we coming back here?

Probably not.

"Probably not."

So you got to go in and grab all your shit,

but I had to stand out here with my dick in my hand

and leave everything behind.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Sorry.

So, so, so, so sorry.

For all the countless times

I've left you holding your dick, I am sorry.

But now you have the handbook for what not to do.

And as we drive far away from here,

we can talk about the many ways in which I failed you

or we can play license-plate bingo.

I'll let you decide.

- Move over. - Climb over me.

- I'm not sitting on the hump. Move over. - I'm already buckled.

Well, unbuckle and move to the middle.

You really don't want to mess with me, you know.

Move over now!

Ow!

What is it with you and the violence?

Don't play the whole "I'm a killer now" card.

That is unacceptable.

Fine.

Are you a killer?

I don't like labels.

Maybe I shouldn't know about this.

No, you shouldn't. And you don't.

You know nada.