Seinfeld

Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best.

"This guy's the best." They can't all be the best.

There can't be this many bests.

Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes.

Where are these doctors?

Is somewhere someone saying to their friend:

"You should see my doctor. He's the worst.

Oh, yeah. He's the worst. He's the absolute worst there is.

Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him.

He's just a- He's a butcher. The man's a butcher."

Then there's always that, "Make sure you tell him that you know me."

Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor.

What is he-? "Oh, you know Bob.

Oh, okay, I'll give you the real medicine.

Everybody else I'm giving Tic Tacs."

And usually for lunch, I'll have a salad. And for dinner, I eat whatever I want.

What do you think the worst part of being blind is?

Excuse me?

You know, if you were blind...

...what do you think the worst part of it would be?

I don't know.

I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food.

How could you ever enjoy a meal like that?

I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.

Well, that's how my 5-year-old eats. He's a very picky eater.

Hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?

No.

He was at a carnival with his mother. She gets a hot dog...

...next thing you know, she turns around, boom, he's gone.

Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that.

And these people are all over the place.

You never know who's crazy. I could be one of these people.

Have you seen any good movies?

Who takes care of your boy during the day?

We have a woman. Why?

- No, I'm just saying. - She had references.

I'm sure she did. I'm sure they're impeccable.

I'm talking about the ones that forge them.

You know, I think this is really helping.

I don't live near here, you know.

So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation.

- I don't like to talk during a massage. - Neither do I, but I do it for them.

- I figure they're bored. - Yeah, I do that too.

I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it, so I talk.

It stops me from enjoying it.

There's nothing to eat in here.

- I forgot to tell you. - I'm in the middle of a story.

- Okay, go ahead. - Why don't you ever go shopping?

It's not like it's a really funny story.

- What happened? - So she mentioned that she had a son.

And then for some reason...

...I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.

- Oh, wasn't that terrible? - Yes, it was.

Not even an apple.

She doesn't wanna hear that. That was stupid.

- I know it was stupid. - Really stupid.

Hey, I just said it was stupid.

- What about this Chinese food? - Take it.

- I can't believe you said that. - Hey, would you stop it already.

So, what did she say?

She actually seemed to get a little paranoid.

This is terrible. What is this, ginger?

I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.

- I have a good masseuse. - No, she's really good.

She's not just a masseuse. She's a physical therapist.

There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound.

It's a real medical procedure.

In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance.

Physical therapy is covered by insurance?

Yeah.

- You don't pay for the massage? - Not if you have a doctor's note.

So where do you get this note?

I've never actually done it, but if I wanted to...

...I could probably get one from Roy, the dentist.

Right. Your friend Roy.

What's the name of this physical therapist?

I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid. She's a little off.

And you don't have to pay?

We have 3:00 appointments.

- George and Elaine, right? - Right.

Could you fill these out, please?

And, Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna.

And, George, you'll be with Raymond.

Excuse me. Did you say Raymond?

Yes.

But Raymond is a man.

That's right.

I can't get a massage from a man.

- Why not? - What, are you crazy?

I can't have a man touching me.

Switch with me.

I don't want the man either.

What? You're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you.

- He'd just be touching your back. - He'd just be touching your back too.

- No, it could get sexual. - I know.

That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you.

- I wouldn't be comfortable. - I would?

- What if something happens? - Oh, what could happen?

What if it felt good?

- It's supposed to feel good. - I don't want it to feel good.

- Then why get the massage? - Exactly.

George.

- Yes. - I'm Raymond.

Hello.

Are you ready?

And then Julianna asked me if I wanted to join her here in the office.

Really?

Used to be a flight attendant.

Oh, boy.

Why don't you open those pants. It's gonna be a lot easier that way.

- So, what do you do? - What?

I said, what do you do?

I don't know.

- You don't know what you do? - No.

Oh, come on.

- You're very tense. - Coffee. Too much coffee.

Take off those pants. I'll work the hamstring.

Oh, the hamstring's fine.

- But you wrote that it was tender. - I wrote. I wrote.

I'll check it out.

- Are you sure? - Yeah. Take them off.

How did you hurt this?

I don't know.

- You don't know? - No.

- But you just told me. - Korea.

- You hurt it in Korea? - What?

- The hamstring. - Korea.

How?

Hamstring.

How did you hurt the hamstring?

Hotel.

How'd it go?

George?

No appointments at all? Because my neck is still tight.

What about Thursday?

And Friday?

Oh, boy. Okay. Thanks anyway.

What's with you?

A...

Yes. A...

A man gave me...

Yes. A man gave you...

A man gave me...

...a massage.

- So? - So he...

...had his hands and...

He was...

- He was what? - He- He was...

...touching and rubbing.

That's a massage.

- Then I took my pants off. - You took your pants off?

For my hamstring.

He got about...

...two inches from...

- ... there. - Really?

I think it moved.

- It moved? - It may have moved. I don't know.

- I'm sure it didn't move. - It moved!

It was imperceptible, but I felt it.

Maybe it just wanted to change positions. You know...

- ... shift to the other side. - No, no.

It wasn't a shift. I've shifted. This was a move.

- Okay. So what if it moved? - That's the sign, the test.

If a- If a man makes it move.

That's not the test. Contact is the test.

If it moves as a result of contact.

Do you think it's contact? It has to be touched?

That's what a gym teacher once told me.

- Hey. - Hey.

I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts.

You know, I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a doughnut.

Joe DiMaggio?

- In Dinky Doughnuts? - Yes.

- Joe DiMaggio. - No. I'm sorry.

If Joe DiMaggio wants a doughnut, he goes to a fancy restaurant.

He's not sitting in Dinky Doughnuts.

Well, maybe he likes Dinky Doughnuts.

I don't like to sit next to men on airplanes...

...because our knees might touch.

I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter...

...at little, tiny, filthy, smelly Dinky Doughnuts.

Why can't he have a doughnut like everybody else?

He can have a doughnut, but not a Dinky.

I don't even like to use urinals. Always been a stall man.

Look, I'm telling-

I'm telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio.

The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe. He's in Dinky Doughnuts.

What about this doctor's note?

- Let's go see Roy. - I never said I'd do that.

What are you talking about? That's 75 bucks.