Tales from the Darkside

Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes to be reality.

But, there is, unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real,

but not as brightly lit.

A darkside.

Oh, damn!

Where am I?

Oh, alright.

Ow! Ow.

Hello? (Telephone continues ringing)

Geez, thin walls.

So why didn't Lucy tell me her apartment had thin walls?

"Never take a $600 apartment with thin walls,"

my grandmother always used to say.

That woman was full of good advice.

I should have listened to her.

Will you answer the phone in there?

Jet lag and thin walls.

Great combination.

And only $600 a month plus airfare.

What more could a commercial actress

with a 9:00 audition ask for?

Thank you.

Oh, no.

5:00.

I'm obviously living next door to vampires.

Sleep all day and talk to their friends in Transylvania

all night long on the telephone.

It's 2:00 a.m. in Los Angeles.

In Los Angeles, I probably haven't even gone to bed yet.

In Los Angeles, they have smog,

mass murderers, mudslides.

But they build their walls thick out there.

I have to say that for them.

Great.

The vampires are obviously trying

to break through the wall,

the very thin wall of my $600 sublet.

A party.

They must be having a party.

No.

Then, somebody would answer the phone.

Well, evidently, something has got to be done.

Hey!

Insomniacs in 12F,

people are trying to sleep around here.

Thanks.

Chalk one up to the good guys.

Joan Matlin, you will fall back to sleep

and wake up in the morning fresh.

You will forget all the bumps

and ringing that happened in the night.

You will, you will, you will!

This young woman looks incredibly talented.

I think we'll use her.

Oh, you say she played the third bride

in Dracula's Harem?

Sure, I remember that.

She was fabulous-- hire her.

Oh, terrific.

The telephone in the next apartment evidently

has a volume control which has just been turned up.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Lucy.

Oh, great, fine, fabulous.

I've discovered the way to deal with jet lag

is just not to get any sleep at all,

which is very easy in your apartment,

considering your neighbors.

The ones who put the telephone right up against the wall

so that when it rings, the bell feels

as if it's been implanted in my brain.

The ones who have friends who call at 3:00 a.m.

and let it ring 67 times

just to make absolutely certain there's nobody there.

The ones who every now and then throw something heavy

up against the wall to reassure me they're alive.

Those neighbors.

Now, listen Lucy, you know how I feel about noise...

Well, I don't care if there was nobody there two days ago.

There's someone there now.

And if that telephone goes on ringing,

I'm going to ask you for a rebate.

Actresses with dark circles under their eyes

have a very low employment rate.

There have been studies.

Good idea.

Give me the super's number.

If it keeps up, I'll complain.

Well, I'm complaining now.

No... the audition did not go well.

At 9:00 a.m., I looked as if I'd gotten 32 minutes

of sleep in the last calendar year.

You see, they were looking for a limey with comic timing.

They were not looking for a limey

who could play a zombie with no makeup.

So, no, I didn't get the job.

And you know who I blame?

I blame that...

Right.

I love you, too.

Um, I'm sorry, but I had to complain to someone, okay?

Oh, no, everything else is fine.

I love your apartment.

No... it stopped.

Yeah... bye.

Once more.

Just try it once more.

Hello, is this Mr. Rodriguez?

Mr. Rodriguez, this is Joan Matlin.

I am subletting 12E from Lucy...

Yes, of course you know Lucy.

Well, Mr. Rodriguez, I'm having some problems

with the people in 12F.

Yes, well, there may not be any people in 12F,

but there is a tele...

Hey, there must be somebody there, because last night,

somebody kept throwing something against the wall and...

I wish you'd...

See?

Hear that?

Yes, Mr. Rodriguez, yes.

I'll try that.

No, I believe you.

There's nobody in that apartment.

Was there ever anybody in that apartment?

Right, an English girl.

Well, did this English girl have a telephone, do you know?

Did she have English friends who telephoned her repeatedly

all day long and all night long?

You wouldn't know.

I understand.

So, how long ago was it

that this English girl moved out?

I see.

Pills?

Or a razor?

Ah.

I see.

Well, of course I'm... I'm very sorry that she's dead,

but I wish somebody would tell her friends

so that they would stop calling her.

Thank you, Mr. Rodriguez.

I realize I'm only a lowly sublet,

and I'll try to deal with this unfortunate situation myself.

How do you strangle yourself to death?

I guess there's no accounting for English girls.

Well.

Ooh, yum, yum.

I just love cold mashed potato.

And I dote on congealed gravy.

That's it.

No more.

Time for violence.

Good evening, sir or madam.

Unplug your telephone or die.

Lucy said it was empty.

Mr. Rodriguez said it was empty, and he must know.

Therefore, there's nobody in there.

Therefore, it doesn't matter if I go inside or not.

My two years as an apprentice housebreaker

are about to pay off.

A few seconds ago,

that door was locked.

It really looks as if they were trying to break through.

Right where my bed is.