Between Two Ferns: The Movie

Yep, check, check. Yep.

- Thank you. - Sorry about the leaky pipes.

It shouldn't affect the interview at all.

You good with sound and everything on that?

We'll take it out in post.

Uh, that's just plumbing, 'cause it's not even raining outside.

Sorry.

Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,

and today my guest is...

Matthew...

McConnach...

McCannoway.

Matthew McConnarr...

Matthew McConnagee. McConaughey.

Good to be here, Zach.

All right, all right, all right.

Sorry, I was just reading the box office returns for your last three movies.

All right.

All right.

I guess that one was all right.

I notice that you're wearing a shirt.

Is everything okay?

You fucking kidding me?

Of all the things you can win an Oscar for,

how surprised are you that you won one for acting?

Here we go.

But so did that guy from Thirty Seconds To Mars.

So, um...

how proud can you really be?

How much time do we have?

I'm out of here in about 15 minutes, so whatever. Do something.

What do you have to do?

Go drive around in a Lincoln convertible, shirtless?

Yeah.

Your dad died while having sex with your mom,

and you've said that you want to go out the same way.

You and your mom need to set up some boundaries.

- No, it's not true. - I wasn't...

- Next question. - It wasn't supposed to be funny.

- It's just a rumor that I heard. - Yeah, I hear you.

Who do you think will accidentally starve himself to death first,

you or Christian Bale?

You lost so much weight for that movie,

I thought you might die from fake AIDS.

I've got three kids, I got a wife.

What have you got?

Besides two ferns?

At least you're watering them, I see.

Yeah, and again, I'm sorry.

- We'll fix it in the edit. - Doesn't bother me.

I'm so... I'm so sorry.

Can I just, uh...

...see what's going on with these pipes?

I got a lighter.

Dude, don't do that.

Help!

A little help here?

I can't get out!

Who was the idiot that installed the sprinkler system?

- What's the way out, Zach? - I don't know, Matthew!

Well, where did we come in from?

I don't recall, Matthew, I'm a little... stressed!

Well, they turned the sprinklers off.

And... action.

Hello,

and welcome to Behind Two Ferns,

the story of Between Two Ferns,

a special feature-length documentary

providing an inside glimpse at my award-losing talk show.

I'm Zach Galifianakis.

We're here in Flinch, North Carolina,

where I've taped my show for over ten years.

Not only do I host the show,

but I will be your tour guide

throughout your cinematic experience.

Who knows, maybe the movie will even be in 3D?

Little trivia about my show,

I originally wanted to call it Betwixt Two Ferns,

but I thought that was too highbrow for the public.

Our journey begins here, like most classic tales,

with our hero opening a door into adventure.

And... cut.

Great, that was the best one.

Twenty-one takes is good for you?

Twenty-one takes? That's really, really good for me, yep.

We can move on?

- Yeah, let's move on, that was perfect. - Okay, move on!

I grew up here in the small town of Flinch, North Carolina,

and ever since I was a kid, I...

dreamed of being a big network TV personality.

But things haven't worked out exactly as planned.

From Flinch, North Carolina,

it's Flinch Public Access Television!

Anybody watching this show has the ability to make a piñata.

- You're lying. You didn't say that. - The lifeblood of America.

- You told me it was about waste water. - I don't lie.

I have no idea what I'd do without you.

Think about soccer, you don't even use your hands.

That's what makes us human.

Didn't like that card.

Didn't like that card, either.

Where do you keep your Oscar?

I mean your, uh...

Blockbuster Entertainment Award?

We are here, at, uh...

Flinch Public Access Television,

FPAT-V, for short.

What's great about public access

is the feel of community.

Here comes the tornado.

Anybody's voice can be heard here.

Top that, motherfucker.

This is where I've been taping my shows for over a decade now.

- Hi. - Hi!

I'm, uh...

Keanu Reeves and I'm here for Between Two Ferns.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis.

Welcome to another edition...

of Between Two Ferns.

Uh, my guest today is Keanu Reeves.

- Thank you for being here. - Thanks for having me here.

You have a big scar, I hear, from a motorcycle accident?

Yeah, I do, yeah.

Is it... Where is it?

- Just goes from here to here. - Big one?

- God, that big? - Yeah, it's about...

I have a similar scar on my... on my leg.

From what?

Walked out of the movie Lake House.

Bumped into the seat in front of me.

On a scale of one to 100,

how many words do you know?

One to 100?

Like, do you know 50 words?

Do you know 75 words?

Do you know 18 words?

Is it frustrating, uh...

to have people think of you as a complete bozo?

When the truth is that you're just...

a man with below average intelligence?

Just do...

one for yes, and then...

two for no.

Do you research your roles?

Yeah.

Have you ever considered researching a character that has taken acting classes?

Right now I'm acting like this is fun.

How am I doing?

It's a good show.

Right now, it's the seventh-ranked show in, uh...

southeastern North Carolina's public access television market.

I mean, do I have other dreams?

I've always wanted to jet ski to Alaska.

But, ultimately, in life, I'd like to have my own

late night talk show.

But this, for now,

what I have now...

this will do.

Who's on cocaine?

I'm sorry, I thought someone said someone's on cocaine,

and I was like, "Who's on cocaine?"

'Cause it's not me.

You ready? Let's do it.

Okay. So, how did you stumble across Zach?

When I, uh, first saw some...

footage of...

...this fat idiot, Zach Galifianakis,

I thought... I thought it was a practical joke.

I don't know if you wanna get a tight shot of that?

America's Dumbest Television Hosts.

And, uh, I saw him on this tape and he was so...

He was such an idiot,

and he was so dumb,

and so fat.

So, uh, without asking,

I uploaded it to my website, Funny Or Die,

and, uh...

All the clicks.

Over 500 trillion and counting.

And those clicks...

equals more green,

which equals more white,

which equals more...

purple.

That's me putting on a big,

purple feather boa.

Yeah, so, I signed him to an exclusive contract

and, you know,

started forcing my Hollywood friends to be interviewed by him.

Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

Uh, my guest today is...

Chance the Rapper.

Hi.

You're an actor, a rapper, an activist.

Why aren't you also an astronaut?

Uh... I don't know. I'm not very, uh...

- like, I don't come from, uh... - Space.

Yep.