The X-Files

Once up a time, there were three - how shall I put this? - geeks.

Three more unlikely heroes there never were.

We defend the defenseless. I don't see any other way.

It wasn't long before their naiveté nearly got them killed,

so they hooked up with an FBI agent...

That's why we like you. Your ideas are weirder than ours.

...and began publishing a - what shall I call it? - rag called "The Lone Gunman".

The guys at the NSA and the CIA tremble every time we put out one of these babies.

From their cramped basement office, they pointed fingers at powerful evil forces.

And some not so evil.

In their own unique way, the three Gunmen were patriots, fighting the good fight...

- We tell the stories others refuse to tell. - Yeah, that's one way to put it.

...and provided... expertise for their friends at the FBI.

She's hot.

For a brief time, it looked as if they might make a difference in this cold, cruel world.

They acquired an intern who believed in them...

Let's fight for lost causes. I wanna help.

...and a powerful, beautiful nemesis,

who became an ally.

But the world is not kind to idealists,

and those who fight the good fight don't always win.

Morris.

Morris, it's going "ping".

Oh, it most certainly is.

Ping!

You're gonna make me spill.

- Morris, what is all that stuff anyway? - Don't make me talk shop. It is so boring.

But I wanna know.

All right.

Well, where do I begin?

We're in the Bermuda Triangle, right?

That place where all those planes and ships have mysteriously disappeared.

- Who named it the Bermuda Triangle? - Wait. You?

Yeah. That was in my former life, before I joined the private sector.

There are things I can't talk about owing to national security, but I will say this:

there are powerful forces out here.

Primal, otherworldly forces, hidden beneath the waves,

just waiting to be plucked by man.

- (speedboat) - Somebody's coming.

Whatever you're selling, we don't want any. No ganja.

- (girl screams) - Whoa! Wait, wait, wait!

You want the girl? I can dig it. I'm down with that.

Wait, wait, wait, guys. This is a rental. There's a $15,000 deposit on this.

Oh.

Your employer wanted me to tell you...

you're fired.

- Morris Fletcher? - Finally.

What took you so long? You must be Reyes. Enchante.

Yeah. Mr Fletcher, we've been told you requested us by name.

We're very curious about that.

You two head the FBI's X-Files unit, do you not?

I thought you'd appreciate what I have to offer.

Which is?

You have no idea who you're sitting here with, do you?

A guy who's up fudge creek for violating the Federal Secrets Act.

I've got top security clearance. I'm meant to check in every month with my ex-employer.

So I skipped a few phone calls. Big deal.

Let me give you a hint.

I used to work at Groom Lake, Nevada.

Area 51?

I was a man in black! The men in black. What? You've never heard of us?

- I saw the movie. - Yeah, well.

There are a lot of technical inaccuracies in that thing.

Anyway, I'm ready to make a deal.

- What deal would that be? - The one that saves my furry pink ass.

People are trying to kill me. Did you hear about my boat?

Yeah. Your female companion told us what she witnessed.

My fem...? Oh, you mean they didn't kill...

- Brittany? - Brittany.

Thank God she's still alive. Look, I need protection.

I need to get outta here. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

I can give you guys the keys to the kingdom -

UFOs, aliens, the whole 50-year cover-up.

- I was there for all of it. - Tell me, Mr Fletcher,

these documents of yours,

are they indicative of the kind of secrets you can reveal to us?

Honey... they're just the tip of the iceberg.

This is the Jupiter 2 from Lost in Space.

OK. Yeah, those are BS. But only those.

Yeah. I was freelancing for this foreign billionaire.

I told him the air force lost a flying saucer in the Bermuda Triangle,

and that I could recover it for him. I just wanted to cruise the Bahamas.

I never would have given him the real thing. That would be un-American.

- Coming out. - He found out. He wants to kill me.

I need protection. Super-soldiers.

What do you know about super-soldiers?

A bit.

It may be... there's one I can help you lay your hands on.

This super-soldier, he have a name?

Not he. She.

What the hell do they want?

Gentlemen.

What happened here? Did you get robbed?

- No. - We're upgrading everything.

We gave away all our old crap to the Salvation Army.

We're buying totally new stuff.

- What can we do for you? - We were hoping you could help us out.

For months now we've been investigating this secret cadre,

the so-called super-soldiers.

- Genetically altered humans. - That want to kill Mulder.

Exactly. We'd like your help tracking one down.

This woman.

You recognise her?

She's, um...

She's a fellow hacker. Damn fine one.

She calls herself Yves Adele Harlow. It's not her real name.

She disappeared a year ago and nobody's seen her since.

We have reason to believe that she's resurfaced,

and that she's become one of these super-soldiers.

What in hell are you talking about? She's no super-soldier.

- Absolutely not. - Who told you that?

This is pointless.

These three monkeys couldn't find stink in an outhouse.

You son of a...

- Let me at him! - I'll hold him down.

- Whoa, fellas. - You got a nerve coming here.

Miserable son of a bitch!

- Told you they wouldn't help. - All right. Everybody just shut up.

This man is a professional liar. Every word out of his mouth.

- He used us to track Yves down a year ago. - And then he abducted her.

Which is why I know what happened to her. I facilitated a meeting is all.

And the man I was working for,

I didn't know in advance what he was planning to do to her.

- Not my finest hour, I'll admit it. - Every word out of his mouth.

Agents, I'm telling you, you don't want these three involved.

They don't even have their gismos.

This place is like "How the Grinch Stole RadioShack".

All right. You three know this woman. I want your help.

We need to track down this Yves Adele Harlow.

Knock, please.

Oh.

My office hours are 3 to 5, Mondays and Fridays.

You'll make time for me, Professor.

Douglas, are you ready to go?

Douglas?

Airline reservation database. What name do we look under?

Try her old standby - different anagrams of Lee Harvey Oswald.

"Area 51 Exposé"? Ooh.

- Where's your new issue? This is a year old. - Back off, skeezicks.

You'll never find her that way.

He's right. No anagrams for Yves Adele Harlow.

- So who's Joey? - What?

Joey Ramone.

Leader of the greatest punk rock band in human history. Now shut up!

- (mocking laugh) - What?

What are you? 34? 35? Why don't you out your hair and grow up, huh?

Need I remind you that Doggett and Reyes aren't here to save you.

Yeah, well. Get yourself a real hero, anyway. Not some dead teenybopper.

You wanna know why Joey Ramone's my hero?

Cos people like you never managed to grind him down.

They never stole his spirit. He never gave in, never gave up, and never sold out.

Right till his last breath.

And he's not dead.

Guys like that, they live forever.

Langly, just ignore him.

Look, if we have to work together, let's work together.

We don't have to work together.

Watching you three trying to find your butts

with both hands is not my idea of a fun time.

Wouldn't it be easier tracking Yves if you knew her real name?

You know her real name?

Lois Runtz.

Lois Ru ntz? Uh-huh.

- I'm telling you the truth. - If you were, it'd be a first.

Nobody knows about that door. That's our secret door.

Does Lois know about it?

Yves?

Jimmy?

Guys.

Jimmy?

- How you feeling, man? - Oh, right. The old errand boy.

Guy used to intern for you losers, right? I wondered what happened to you.

Why is he here?

FBI business. It's a long story.

Where the hell you been, big guy?

Zurich, then Malta, then Yemen.

And just now New Jersey.

It's been a real geology lesson.

I ran out of money, so I hitchhiked here.

I snuck in the back cos I didn't know if the place was being watched.

I just had to see you guys.

It's about Lois.

Lois Runtz?

- That's Yves' real name. - I told you so.

Wait a minute.

You tracked her all over the world? You?

Mr Brainpower here is lucky to be alive.

Why did you send him? Were you trying to get him killed?

He sent himself. We tried to talk him out of it.

Yeah. Now I almost wish you had.

Jimmy, what is it? Are you all right?

Last night... I traced her to a little college in New Jersey.

It's the closest I've been in a year of searching.

I saw her. I actually laid my eyes on her.

I called to her...

but she ran.

Later on, I found out...

Guys, I think she murdered somebody.

One down.

John Gillnitz? I'm Agent Reyes, and this is Agent Doggett.