Little Britain USA

Britain and America.

We have given each other so much over the years.

We gave you Sir William Shakespeare.

You gave us the American Pie trilogy.

We gave you the Royal Family.

You gave us the Olsen twins.

We gave you Noel Coward.

You gave us Motley Crue.

But what about the people

of our two great nations?

Who are? What do?

And why?

Let us find out now in this,

the final episode of Little Britain USA.

Children were, of course, abolished in Britain during the 1950s,

but remain very popular in America.

Are you excited about your first sleepover, Ellie Grace?

Oh, yes, Mommy, but in a way I'll be sad, too, because I'm gonna miss ya heaps.

I do love you, Ellie Grace.

I love you too, Mom.

I love you more than teddy bears.

I love you more than Sesame Street.

I love you more than sugar kisses.

I love you more than Thanksgiving.

I love you more than baby deers.

I love you more than Dumbo.

I love you more than pink blossom. I love you more than...

I love you more than...

Have I got you beat, Ellie Grace?

No, no!

Oh! I love you more than double-headed dildos.

Ellie Grace! How many times must I tell you

you are not to mention such rude things?!

Sorry, Mommy.

Especially not to the twins or their mom, or they'll never have you over again!

Yes, Mommy.

It's OK.

Hey, guys! Welcome! The girls are just out playing in the yard.

Jenny!

Jessie! Thank you so much for having her.

I'll pick her up tomorrow at 9.00 for her ballet class.

Great. We'll see you then. Hello, Mrs Day. Hello, Ellie Grace.

Hello, twins. Hey, girls. Don't you look pretty?

Now, be good, Ellie Grace, and remember what I told you.

OK. Bye, Mom. I love you more than bunny rabbits!

No, we're not playing that game. Oh, it sounds cute!

I love you more than bunny rabbits.

I love you more than cheesecake. I love you more than Santa Claus.

I love you more than birthdays.

I love you more than homemade cookies.

I love you more than anal beads.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! I... Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Meanwhile, at this hospital...

Vicky's just down here. How's she doing?

A little better.

We've taken her off life support. She's suffered some very serious injuries.

Oh, dear. She'll have to learn how to walk again.

This is terrible. And she's lost the power of speech.

Oh. Well...

every cloud.

This way.

MONITOR BEEPS

Can she hear me? Her hearing is fine.

We've been teaching her to speak again using this machine here.

Oh, Vicky, what happened?

SYNTHESISED KEYSTROKES CLICK

No, but yeah,

but no, but yeah, but no, because this whole thing happened or something

or nothing, which I don't even know anything about, so shut up.

But why on earth did you jump off of the chapel roof?

KEYSTROKES CLICK

Oh, my God! I so can't believe you just said that. You are well gonna get beatings!

I didn't even have nothing to do with it.

You know Candice, the fat girl with the lazy eye?

Well, we was all well bored and she bet me I wouldn't jump off the roof.

And you did it?!

A dollar's a dollar.

Can I call anyone for you?

No.

She needs to rest now.

I'll come back and see you soon.

Get your hands off me, you dirty lezzer.

Politicians in Britain have never been involved in any scandal whatsoever.

Unless, of course, you include impregnating your secretary

or attempting to murder a male prostitute.

In Washington, Senator White is apologising for yet another indiscretion.

On Tuesday evening, after a late-night session in the Senate,

I was driving home when I discovered that I needed to use the restroom.

So I drove to a nearby airport.

On arrival at the restroom, I met a young Puerto Rican gentleman.

He invited me into his cubicle to talk about Republican Party policy.

I slipped upon the wet floor,

and in the confusion, pulled down the young man's pants and briefs.

At that point, my clothes accidentally fell off.

The young man, Raoul, then realised he had lost a contact lens.

He then bent over to find it.

During his search, he inadvertently backed onto me

and I regret to say a part of my body entered his.

At this point, the police arrived,

and I can see how the events could have been misconstrued.

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

CLAMOUR OF QUESTIONS

This is just one of many diet classes happening today all over America,

where there are now huge numbers of obese people,

or greedy, fat slobs.

OK, so today we're gonna try something a little bit different.

Can we have a volunteer, please, to come up here

and tell us all why they're so revoltingly fat?

Tony, you had your hand up. If you'd like to come and join us up here.

Boom! Boom! Boom! Here he comes.

Easy! OK.

So, Tony, you - and I know you won't mind me saying it -

you are one of the very most fattiest people here.

In fact, I often struggle to fit all of you in my field of vision.

Tony, when did your problems with weight begun?

And the more they teased me, the more I'd eat. I guess I was comfort eating.

It's a vicious circle, isn't it, Tony?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Boo-hoo! Yum, yum, yum!

Yeah? SHE WAILS

Dah, dah, dah!

And what did they say, Tony?

What did they call you? Fatty.

Oh! That's not nice, is it?

They called him Fatty.

Not Fatty Boom-Boom? No.

They didn't go, "Ooh, Fatty Boom-Boom, Fatty Fatty Boom-Boom"?

No. No. Just Fatty.

Yeah.

Pig? No.

Piggy? No.

Pigs in space!

No!

No. No. Jabba the Hutt?

No. No. Tub of shit?

Once. Once.

Babar the Elephant?

No. No.

Ooh! Barry White?

No.

No. You're not black, are you?

No. No.

He's not black, no.

Just fat.

Jabba the Hutt?

You already said that one. Anyone else got any suggestions?

No?

Come on! Oh, you're no fun, you lot!

So just Fatty. Yeah. They just called me Fatty.

Yeah. Yeah. They just called him Fatty.

That's what they called him - Fatty. Didn't they?

Fatty. Hmm? Hmm? Fatty!

Hmm? Hmm? FATTY! Hmm? Hmm?

Yer fat, fat, Fatty! Oi! Oi! Awright, Fatty?

Man, you fat! You a Fatty! You a Fatty!

Yeah. Kids can be so cruel. What about the teachers? What did they call you?

They never called me any names. They would've. Just not to your face.

Leave Tony alone. Sorry... Sorry, what was that?

Leave Tony alone. No, do it again.

Leave Tony alone. Do it again.

Leave Tony alone. Do it again.

Leave Tony alone. Do it again.

Leave Tony alone. I can't understand. Do it again.

Leave Tony alone. Do it again.

Leave Tony alone. Oh! Yeah, about a quarter to nine.

OK?

Right, where were we?

Oh, yeah. Man, you fat! Fatty, Fatty, Fatty!

You know, you shouldn't be speaking to Tony like that.

You ain't so slim yourself. Yeah!

Do it again. She's just a bully.

What did they call YOU at school? They called me Marjorie, actually.

Or Beautiful Marjorie. Or Princess Gorgeous.

Now get back to your seat, please.

FATTY!

We continue our journey at this hospital in Pennsylvania.

The health service is free in Britain.

If you want to develop secondary infections in America,

you have to pay for them.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

I have an appointment to see the cardiologist.

My name is Peter Beale.

Computer says no.

Apparently, you're already dead.

That must be a mistake.

Dead.

MOVE!

One thing that's very popular in our country is transvestism. In fact,

I'm wearing bra and knickers right now. Man, it feels good!

It's this man's lucky night, as transvestite Emily Howard has arrived.

Oh-ho-ho! You must be Leo!

Oh, you must be Emily.

Yes, I'm Emily. Emily Howard - a lady.

Well, this is rather jolly, isn't it?

I've never been on a blind date before. I'm pleasantly surprised.

Yes. I, too, am...surprised.