Painting With John

I'm really excited.

I got a new drone.

Now I can shoot the beginning of my show again.

I crashed seven drones.

Any idiot can fly a drone.

I was hoping that...

this show would be...

educational.

But I, um...

paint so much from intuition...

and I don't know how you teach people intuition.

At least...

not unless it's in person.

Not only that, but...

I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

I'm just stubborn.

I refuse to let these paintings be bad,

so I just work on them until they're good.

So I will teach you things I learned from life, as I go...

if you'd like.

I had cancer. And then--

Don't make that face.

I had cancer, I beat it, it's done, it's in the past.

But the treatment is more hideous

than you can imagine or explain.

And I knew it was gonna be bad, but it's unbelievable.

They just fry you.

Anyways, side effects stayed with me for a long time.

They're still with me.

But one of the side effects was sleep apnea,

and the other one was vertigo.

You know, I'm sleeping an hour here, an hour there...

and I'm pretty out of it most of the time.

And, um...

it was seven o'clock in the morning,

and I was heating up some shrimp curry...

and my oven has been on and off on the blink.

And I, uh, put the shrimp curry in the oven,

and I came out here to paint.

And I went back twenty minutes later.

If the oven had been on, it's hot here all the time,

and so the kitchen would be really hot,

even at seven o'clock in the morning.

It would've been hot, and I realized...

"Fucking oven, not working."

So I realize the oven's not on.

I've only slept an hour.

And, uh, I've got one of those sticks,

I don't know what you call them,

the thing that lights the fire? I don't know, I...

So I open the oven, I'm gonna-- gonna reheat the shrimp curry.

And I don't think about the fact

that the gas has been on for the last 20 minutes.

And I go and light-- light the thing, and boom!

There was an explosion that was just so shocking.

It was just... Whew!

It was unbelievable. I mean,

the-- the tea kettle bounced off the roof

and debris went everywhere, and, uh...

the crazy thing is-- is I-- I seemed to actually be okay,

considering what just happened.

The explosion has gone around me.

I mean, my hair is gone and-- and, uh...

and my shorts are on fire, but I'm not.

I'm not fucked up.

It's that thing, you know, when you're in a car accident

or you fall down a flight of stairs,

and it's like you're not sure if you're hurt or not.

I mean, just that feeling, like, kinda shock, I guess,

but it's like, "I don't know if I'm hurt."

And I go over to the sink,

and there's dirty dishes in there, and so I'm pouring

dirty coffee cups and, like, the water from the--

from the-- the chicken curry was cooked in, you know,

over me, like, to put myself out, you know.

And, um,

I'm pouring all this dirty dishwater all over me,

and the shorts are on fire, so I take them off.

They're not really on fire, they're crackling, you know.

And, um... you know, I just sort of stopped,

I said, "Just don't fucking panic."

And I may have even said it out loud.

"Don't panic. Use your intuition."

And I knew what to do.

I got the machete out of the closet,

and I had planted an aloe plant at the bottom of the hill...

um, a while ago,

but I planted it, it was already fairly grown,

so I knew the aloe plant was gonna be there,

and I walked down the hill with the machete.

Except I've got vertigo,

and I've got-- I've slept an hour,

and I've also just been through this traumatic experience,

so, I'm-- I'm-- you know, I'm, like, kinda wobbling all around,

and I'm naked.

And my cock is flapping around in front of me,

and I've got this very sharp machete,

and I'm like, walking like a drunk person,

and I'm thinking,

"Well, this is precarious. Try to be careful."

So I sort of start walking with the machete off to the side,

thinking, "Well, if I fall and it cuts off my leg,

that's better than, you know, the other part, so..."

And I get down, and I cut the aloe,

and I walk back up the hill.

And, um...

I'm sitting on the steps naked, with the machete,

cutting the aloe carefully and s-- peeling off the thing,

and applying it to my body.

And the aloe saved me. For real, the aloe saved me.

I mean, I had some burns, some bubbles, some stuff.

And I just was out there, and I'm putting aloe all over me,

and, uh... (CHUCKLES)

...this local guy drives by in a truck.

And he kinda looks at me like...

He's just completely shocked.

And, uh, I'm out there with my machete, naked,

sitting on the steps and, uh...

so I wave and smile, and he's just like-- (LAUGHS)

Hello, local people. I'm John.

-(WIND RUSTLING) -(BIRDS SINGING)

It's important to have fun.

Every day, a little bit of fun.

Roll a tire down a hill.

You take the tire,

and you roll it down the hill, like this.

Bounce!

-(CRASHING) -Yes!

Roll two tires down a hill.

Bounce!

Bounce!

Really, make sure you have a little fun every day.

Bounce!

Bounce!

-(CRASHING) -Yes!

Now, I don't know what it is about me, man,

but I'm-- I'm always the guy...

at customs,

every time, since I was young.

"Sir, would you mind coming with us?"

They go through my stuff, I mean, always.

Maybe it's my eyebrows, I don't know.

Something about me. I'm always the one.

One time, I was driving...

from Maine down to New York City,

and I find this pack of cars going, like, 85, 90.

So I go and get into the middle of this group of cars.

We're driving along. We're all speeding but, you know,

if they catch us, they're only gonna catch one of us.

And, uh, every time there's a cop,

we slow down to 65 and then speed back up again.

So we all slow down, and there's this cop,

and we see him on the side of the road,