Robot Chicken

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

IT'S ALIVE!

PAC?

BIGGIE!

- GOOD MORNING, BETSY. HOW'S IT COMING?

HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S...A LITTLE GAY.

HEY AGAIN, BETSY.

WHAT'S THE NEW IDEA FOR TODAY?

YOU CRAZY, GIRL. YOU CRAZY.

OK, BETSY. WHAT CAN YOU SHOW ME TODAY?

WELL...

AH, CRAP.

AND I GUESS IT'LL HAVE TO DO.

EXCUSE ME, MISS.

- WHOA. AREN'T YOU THAT SUBWAY GUY

WHO USED TO BE A BIG, FAT SLOB?

WHAT'S THE NAME...JERRY?

- JARED. HI. UH, IS THERE A RESTROOM HERE?

UH, I MUST'VE PASSED OUT FROM THE STRAIN

OF PUSHING THAT ENORMOUS LOG OUT OF MY BUTT.

DID MY DOOKIE FUMES CLEAR OUT THE WHOLE BAKERY?

I'M LOCKED IN! I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEKEND

WITH NOTHING TO EAT BUT--BUT...

SO...DELICIOUS.

NO! I MUST STAY ON MY DIET.

I'M A CORPORATE SPOKESMAN. HERO TO MILLIONS.

I MUST--I MUST....

MY BAKERY! IT'S RUINED!

I ONLY LOCKED UP 10 MINUTES AGO!

I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL THE POLICE.

WE CAN WORK THIS OUT LIKE--

UGH!

- ...MISSING SINCE LAST TUESDAY...

ONE, TWO-WHO...

I WANT TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE.

RAHH!

- DECEMBER 24, 4:30 PM, CHRISTMAS EVE.

A TIME FOR JOYOUS CELEBRATION.

A TIME FOR GIFT GIVING, FOR PEACE AND LOVE.

A TIME FOR MURDER.

IT WAS THE CHRISTMAS THAT MADE EVERYONE CRY--

EXCEPT FOR MAYBE THE JEWS,

BUT WHEN THE EVIDENCE POINTED TO MURDER,

THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND BECAME "WHO KILLED CHRISTMAS?"

BLEECH!

- PERHAPS NO ONE CAN SHED LIGHT ON THIS MYSTERY

MORE THAN MARTHA CLAUS,

THE VICTIM'S WIFE OF 43 YEARS.

- WE STAYED TOGETHER MOSTLY DUE TO LICENSING ISSUES.

I DOUBT HE WOULD'VE GOTTEN ANY SPONSORSHIP DEALS

IF HE WERE A DIVORCED SINGLE MAN LIVING WITH A BUNCH OF ELVES.

THEY'D THINK HE WAS GAY.

CRUSHED BY GRIEF,

THE WIDOW CLAUS HAS KEPT A LOW PROFILE SINCE THE MURDER.

BUT NOT ALL WAS WARMTH AND LOVE AT THE NORTH POLE.

DEEP INSIDE SANTA'S FABLED WORKSHOP,

DISCONTENT HAD BEGUN TO SPREAD

AMONG THE ANDROGYNOUS ELVIN WORKFORCE.

- IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE COKE, MAN.

SANTA HAD US ELVES HIDE THE BLOW IN THE CRAPPY WOODEN TOYS.

THEN HE'D MAKE THE DROP...

- GIVE IT TO ME! TOY! GIMME, GIMME TOY!

GIVE IT TO ME! TOY! GIMME, GIMME TOY!

AND THE SALE WAS COMPLETE.

OOH.

- HE TRIED USING SOME DIFFERENT WAYS TO SNEAK THE PRODUCT IN.

YOU EVER SEE A YETI WHEN A DOZEN CONDOMS OF COKE

BURST IN HIS BELLY?

AAH!

IT'S A BAD SCENE, MAN.

WERE THE ALLEGATIONS TRUE?

SANTA CLAUS AN INTERNATIONAL DRUG PEDDLER?

DRUGS, THAT WASN'T NO SECRET.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE FAT MAN'S REAL PROBLEM WAS--

WHEN SOME OF THE SHIPMENTS

STARTED TO TURN UP A LITTLE LIGHT.

FOLLOW ME? SOMEBODY STARTED HAVING LITTLE PRIVATE PARTIES,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? I THINK YOU DO.

AS FOR WHO, WELL YOU EVER WONDER HOW HIS NOSE GOT SO RED?

PUNISHMENT WAS SWIFT

FOR ANYONE WHO DARED CROSS THE BOSS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

- FOR ANYONE CAUGHT BEING NAUGHTY AT THE NORTH POLE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY--OOH!

WHO KILLED SANTA CLAUS?

A NEGLECTED HOUSEWIFE? COLUMBIAN DRUG RUNNERS?

SOME RETARD SNOWMAN?

WE MAY NEVER KNOW WHO KILLED SANTA CLAUS,

BUT WHOEVER DID IS STILL OUT THERE...

WATCHING, WAITING.

WHO'S NEXT? THE EATER BUNNY? CUPID?

THAT LUCKY CHARM'S CEREAL GUY?

WHO'S TO SAY?

BUT WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN,

"UNSOLVED CASE FILES" WILL BE THERE TO MAKE A BUCK.

NEXT TIME ON "UNSOLVED CASE FILES,"

THE TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA'S CASTRATION...

SIMPLE NEUTERING OR HATE CRIME?

YO QUIERO MY NUTS!

COME AND GET SOME!

WHAT'S WRONG, HERMAN?

OOH, I'M CONSTIPATED, PICKLES.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT YOU CAN GIVE ME FOR THAT?

YEAH.

UGH!

SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE

I JUST KICKED YOUR ASS!

BRANDON, YOU ARE SO GROUNDED.

- "JAWS" WAS A MASTERPIECE OF SUSPENSE AND TERROR

BECAUSE OF HOW LITTLE YOU SAW THE SHARK ITSELF,

BUT THAT'S NOT THE WAY I WANTED IT.

THE DAMN MECHANICAL SHARK DIDN'T WORK.

AS A RESULT, I HAD TO RELEASE A MOVIE

THAT WAS ONLY A QUARTER DONE.

NOW, THANKS TO COMPUTER GRAPHICS,

I CAN BRING MY TRUE VISION TO LIFE.

$10,000 FOR ME BY MYSELF.

FOR THAT YOU GET THE HEAD, THE TAIL, THE WHOLE DAMN THING.