Married... with Children

And I'd like to say one more time, please,

please, watch the late show on Fox.

All we want is a chance.

Is that too much to ask for?

I'm home!

No, no. Don't mob me!

I'm just the breadwinner.

No, don't push.

You'll all get your chance to hug and kiss me.

Hey, Buck.

I'm home, buddy.

You shiftless, thankless bag of...

Go on. Get off.

Hey, where'd you get these?

We don't keep any food in the house.

Al, I brought you some ribs.

I kept them in the bag so they could soak

in the grease just like you like them.

Al, you eat like an animal.

I didn't do this.

Oh, you're going to blame it on Buck?

Well, look, he's not even hungry.

His bowl is still full.

Hey, beef!

Give it here. It's Buck's, Al.

Now listen, you're always complaining

I don't get you food, so I got you ribs.

Now I want you to do something for me

you've been promising for a long time.

What's that you say, Peg?

I'm sorry, it's just this darn headache.

Not that.

I meant something that would require movement on your part.

I want you to fix the back fence.

Wait a second, Peg, why should I have to fix it?

It wasn't me who said.

"Let's get a picture of your mother

leaning up against the fence."

It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman

with a keg under each arm.

It made a nice picture, Al.

Now, look, the kids are getting old enough to realize

that it is not really your part-time job

to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans.

And now you won't even fix the fence.

What kind of an example is that for them?

Well, if we're an example to the kids,

Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him.

And Kelly, well she'll grow up to believe

that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

Now don't start with that "I don't do anything crap,"

I take care of your children.

Mom, where's my socks?

Honey, there's probably a pair in the hamper.

Anyhow, Al, that hole is not only an eyesore,

but, I mean, what about Buck?

He could climb through, and we'd never see him again.

Oh, that's a real danger, Peg.

Watch this.

Buck! Come here, boy!

Come on, Buck!

Freedom, boy!

Go! Go, Buck!

He's got about as much chance of finding his way

out of this house as you do.

It's not just Buck getting out.

Other dogs are getting in.

And they're using our yard as a public rest room.

All right. All right!

I'll fix it tomorrow.

Thanks, Al.

Can I get you an aspirin?

I don't have a headache.

Well, good.

Then that brings us to another little chore

our handyman's been neglecting.

Oh, gee, you better bring me three, Peg.

Ah, I guess I better get rid of all the dirty work at one time.

I'll do it after I fix the fence.

Ohh...

It's been two months, Al.

When are you gonna fix the fence?

Tomorrow, Peg.

And that other thing we talked about?

Tomorrow, Peg.

We're getting complaints from the neighbors.

What?

Are we bringing down the block's average?

We'd bring down the average at a nursing home.

Look, I'm talking about the fence.

Remember how you said Buck couldn't find his way out.

Well, he found his way out

and he has knocked up every dog in the neighborhood.

That's ridiculous, Peg.

He's a lifeless lump.

We had two kids.

Then my work is done.

Well, I'm sure he didn't learn anything from you,

but they're blaming us anyway.

I still can't believe it.

How could that be?

He tips over when he lifts his leg.

Mr. Pittman.

My dog's been soiled, Bundy.

I demand satisfaction.

Me too. Good luck.

What are you talking about, Pittman?

My dog happens to be a champion, purebred poodle.

I was saving her to be mated

with the well-known champion Zeus of Olympus.

But what do I find this morning when I come down

to give my dog her eye drops?

I find that... beast.

With my champion dowager Duchess of Kankakee.

I had her tested, Bundy.

She's impregnated.

And now she's going to have stupid, ugly puppies.

I was going to make a lot of money off a proper mating.

That sort of makes you a dog pimp, doesn't it, Pittman?

And it also sort of makes you

the defendant in a lawsuit, doesn't it, Bundy?

You're slapping my dog with a paternity suit?

You must be out of your mind.

Al, you're not going to believe what just happened.

I just delivered a litter of 11 puppies.

The mother was under our house undergoing a difficult labor,

but luckily, Steve took charge.

The puppies are very cute, but they seem awfully stupid.

The wonder dog strikes again, eh, Bundy?

What's going on?

Buck Bundy impregnated my dog.

Ohh...

He's probably getting out

through that hole in the fence, Al.

You know, as I was under our house,

witnessing the miracle of birth,

it occurred to me this whole despicable episode

could have been avoided

if owners would only have their pets spayed or neutered.

Well, that's an idea, Al.

We could spay or neuter Buck.

Not a chance. Look, I'll just fix the fence, okay?

Oh, I don't think that'll help much, Al.

You know what they say...

How you gonna keep them down on the farm

after they've poked Paris?

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Oh, now, Mr. Pittman, uh...

Look, how about this?

If Al gets his dog neutered, will you forget about a lawsuit?

Well, Looking around, it doesn't look like I could get much.

Looks like you've already been sued by life.

All right, I'll accept those terms.

But, Bundy, I don't want your stupid dog

around my poodle ever again.

And while we're on the subject,

keep your daughter away from my son.

Well, she was probably just lending him a dress.

Well, I guess that goes to show you

what can happen when you use a little diplomacy.

What a day, huh?

I delivered a litter of puppies

and still had time to save your bacon.

Brewskies, all around.

Well, Steve, what can I say, except I wish you were dead?

That's just Al's way of saying

thanks for saving us hundreds of dollars

that would've taken Al thousands of years to make.

You're welcome.

You're not. And I'm not neutering my dog!

That's the way God made him, and that's how he's staying.

Al, he's climbing over every dog in the neighborhood.

Why, because Pittman says so?

How does he know?

The spells sex 9-7-6.

Now, look, we all know Buck.

Remember the time we had to pull his head out of his water dish

to keep him from drowning?

He was only two, honey.

Oh, please, the dog isn't capable of thought,

much less reproduction.

I don't care what anybody says,

Buck is innocent until proven guilty.

Dad, the dogs are in your bedroom.

Well... Do something!

Well, the dogs are gone.

There was a line at the gate too, but I got rid of them.

Where were we?

We were neutering the dog, Al.

Oh, but honey, before you take him down,

could you ask him for a few pointers?

Well, one thing that seems to work for him was

there was no one lying there

yelling a bunch of instructions at him.