The Moaning of Life

For centuries, life's big questions

have challenged some of the world's greatest minds.

The need for love, marriage and lifelong commitment.

The yearning to reproduce and the survival of the human race.

The search for a vocation, the desire to find happiness

-and the inevitable end death. -(BELL TOLLS)

But Karl Pilkington has not given a second thought to any of these issues.

This cat's cross-eyed. I've never seen that before.

Now he's turned 40, he thinks it's time he did.

He's travelling around the world to see

how other people deal with life's big questions.

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age.

This is the Pissing-About Age.

And to see if the issues are such a big deal, anyway.

You celebrate life by enjoying your life.

You don't have to walk around with a cock on your head.

NARRATOR In this episode, Karl wants to know

why people get married.

just because two people love each other,

they drag other people into it. Get on with it.

How do you meet the ideal partner?

- I really would like to meet you again. - All right.

And whether you realty need a big wedding.

There's 5,000 people. How many people do they know?

This is The Moaning of Life.

It's like, who's the mental one here?

Is it me or everyone else?

I've been with Suzanne for what,

20 years or something now.

I don't feel like I have to get married.

Everything about it is a...

A false, made-up, over-the-top day.

I blame films.

You know, everything is like, "Oh, the princess is getting married"

and all that.

They've never done a follow-up to Cinderella.

How was it? How was it after the shoe fit?

Did they get on? Or, do you know what I mean, I don't know.

It's easy to be all romantic

when everyone's getting flowers

and you got a nice dress on and all that.

What's he like on a shitty day when your boiler's knackered?

We're looking at relationships and marriage

and the different reasons people pick people.

Well, they've just got a simple way of doing things out in India,

and that's arranged marriages.

I'm meeting a bloke called Gopal

whose job is to sort of get people together.

It's like online dating,

but, like, the mams and dads get together

and they have a bit of a say on whether or not it's the person for you.

I don't know what me mam and dad would pick.

I mean, me mam likes anyone, really.

In fact, she tends to sort of feel sorry for people who look a bit odd.

That's what she always liked about Elvis.

Whenever Elvis was on stage and he was sweating,

he'd get a towel of someone who was a bit ugly,

a bit of a fat lump.

He'd never go for, like, the...

the nice-looking woman.

And I think that's what she'd do with me.

She'd go, "Oh, no one else would want this person,

"you go out with her".

She's a bit too nice for her own good.

Whereas my dad, I think he'd end up picking someone whose...

I don't know, whose dad runs the butchers or something

so he can get some free meat.

Well, here we are.

A to Z.

Okay, then.

"Date of birth.“ 1972.

"Height." I'm about six foot.

"Blood type."

Surely you don't pick people on your blood type.

Being bald, you see, I think that should be on here

'cause there's loads of women who'd go, "I don't want a bald bloke".

I'm hairy.

I've got hairy ears, I've got a hairy chest,

got hair on me back,

but none on me head.

Some women would be like, "Definitely not".

But there's not a space for that. They're asking me blood type.

I've never heard that. I've never heard someone say,

"It wasn't working." Why? "Odd blood."

Yeah.

Is that good?

There wasn't a part about the bald head

-and the hairy... - No, no, no.

'Cause if she was bald, I'd wanna know.

Right, so this is the bit where I write down

what I want out of the woman.

So education, urn...

- She's quite an intelligent woman. - Yeah, intelligent woman.

It's not exam results I want.

I just want common sense in a woman.

"Technical qualification."

I put "electrical" 'cause that's quite handy.

'Cause I haven't got a clue with that.

She wouldn't want me, I don": think.

I don't think she would like me.

I don't want her being into celeb life,

sort of reading Heat magazine and all that.

I don't want her wasting her time on that sort of shit.

She can have magazines, but not that sort.

What's her hair like under that hat?

Hair's good. Why has she got a cap on?

White trousers as well. I don't... I don't know if I like white trousers.

I'd prefer it if she didn't watch soaps,

because they're on every night now.

She'd never get anything done.

Oh, that's the same woman without the cap?

Better with the cap.

And how much jewellery? Does she wear a lot of jewellery?

No, no, no, no. She's not fond of jewellery.

Does Suzanne not, like, have rings?

No, I don't buy her much jewellery. It annoys me.

She had a mate who used to come around, who had loads

and I couldn't concentrate,

and the more I heard it, the more I couldn't focus

on the thing I was doing.

It was like fucking knocking about with a wind chime.

So I don't like it.

All right, let's have a look at her again.

Could we see her head again?

- It's good. - Okay.

Do you think she'd like me?

I never wear a suit.

Really?

Afternoon. You all right?

Just after a, um, after a suit.

- How's business? Busy? - Kind of, sir.

- It's popular, popular style? - Yeah, it is, it is. It is very popular.

I'm on a date tonight.

- Oh. - Yeah.

You can get this colour also if you want.

The design is same, the colour is different.

Hey, that looks good don": it, with the T-shirt?

Yeah, it's looking nice.

With the T-shirt on, yeah. - Yeah.

She's gonna be well happy with this.

Just a date, innit?

'Cause at least this way, meet the family, see 'em all.

There's no secrets. It's all out there.

I mean, I don't know how that would have affected,

you know, I'm with Suzanne.

If I would have met her mam straight away,

I might have gone, "Forget it".

But, who knows? I mean, sometimes you can just

put two people together and they get on.

Look at Heston Blumenthal, that chef.

He puts shit together that shouldn't work.

Vienetta with a Yorkshire pudding on the top. People love it.

They go, "This shouldn't work, they shouldn't be together."

"I know. It's nice, innit?"

Have you?

All good?

Fairly good.

Yeah.

Are they doctors? - No, there's no doctors.

I mean, they've retired now.

Me dad has done loads of jobs

from tiling, gardening.

- He's done courier work, taxi driver. Uh-huh.

He had, like, a butty shop with me mum.

I didn't do that well.

The school wasn't very good...

- Mmm-hmm. - That I went to.

If I'm being honest with you... Yeah.

I wasn't interested in a lot of what they were teaching.

To me, I just wanted to get school done and get a job.

If we're being honest, I used to do a little bit of robbing

when I was younger.

- Nothing big. Yeah.

But, you know, toffees, chocolates, uh...

Um...

I'd like to be picked on whether

she thinks, you know, I'm the man who could look after her.

I know, but I don't think that should matter.

At the end of the day, I could say I'm earning thousands,

but then I might not tell you that I'm a big gambler.

Yeah. Yeah. - And then I'll lose it all.

There's a lot of nutters out there who are earning fortunes.

But they're idiots.

Put it this way, I don't owe any money.

- She won't starve. -(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

She got a roof over her head.

We know somebody who was very much interested in her.

Though she was... Though that he was 54, 35,

he was looking 40 plus.

- Are you looking for somebody who... Someone who is domesticated

or would you like your would-be wife to work?

And what you do now, for living, for job?

It's all about how you look, and how you present yourself.

So you are an intellectual? You write book?

I've got a house.

Full house. Five bedrooms.

- He's got space for us. -(ALL CHUCKLING)

Yeah, well.

Well, maybe in time.

I really would like to meet you again.