Nikki Glaser: Perfect

*

- * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh *

* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh *

* I cannot touch that thing

* It is not mine

* I do not take, I do not take *

* No matter how you shine

* I cannot take a gift

* That isn't true *

* I love myself, I love myself *

* Too much to love you

Thank you, guys.

Thank you, thank you.

New York, thank you.

Stop it.

Stop it.

How are you guys?

Yeah, I am whoo too.

I'm feeling whoo.

I--it's so good to be here.

I am in the prime of my life.

I'm in my late 20s.

I'm 31, and it's just--

it's going great.

I--that's a woman's age.

Like, I am a woman,

but I don't feel like one most of the time.

I'm still feeling like a girl a lot of times.

Like, I'm still relating to Taylor Swift songs

on a level I definitely shouldn't, you know?

But, like, my back hurts a lot, so I'm like,

"Oh, that's right, I can't shake it off.

"Like, I wish--

I wish I could."

I'm on Snapchat, you know?

But, like, I Google bunion surgery every day,

so looking into that.

It's weird, like, I feel confident most of the time,

but there are times when I'm like, "Ugh."

Like, the other day, I got jealous

of a dog's thigh gap.

I'm not proud of that.

Just like, "How does she do it?

"I have to switch to kibble.

"I just got to do it.

Bitch."

But I'm just, like,

not where I should be, I feel, as a 31-year-old.

I don't want a lot of things that girls my age want.

I don't want kids.

I do want a baby, though,

so it's like, ugh, you know?

'Cause that's--

they become that, and so...

Yeah, I do want a baby, but, like,

I feel like most women want babies,

and that's maybe why so many of us exist,

'cause babies are so cute, everyone wants one.

They're like the puppies of humans, I've heard.

I think a scientist said that once,

and, you know, it's like-- and that's all

you hear women say when they're gonna have kids.

They're like, "Oh, we're trying for a baby.

"Oh, we're gonna have a baby.

"We just had a baby. Baby."

And it's like, "Yeah, I know, but, like,

"eventually it's just gonna be some dude named Doug.

"You know that, right?

Like, it's just gonna be a guy."

Like, it's always "baby," but it's like,

it's a baby this much of the time you know it,

and then it's all Doug.

Like, it's just a-- no one's ever like,

"Oh, we're having a man."

That's what you should say.

"Yeah, I don't want a Doug."

"I don't," but the thing is, I do want a baby.

I have baby fever.

Like, I see a baby, and I'm like, "Ugh."

My body's just like, "Make one," like,

I just-- but again, you know,

like, it'll strike you in the weirdest times.

My boyfriend sent me a picture

of him holding his cousin's new baby,

and it was-- it had to have been

the hottest picture I've ever seen of my boyfriend.

I was just, like, so attracted, 'cause he was, like,

naked and fully erect, but it was also, like--

That was it.

I was like, "You never hold me like that, you know?

Just for Caleb?" Ugh.

No, he was clothed.

Still erect, but clothed, and--

But he was just holding this baby.

He just looked like a father, and I was just like, "Oh."

Like, it was so hot, but I was like,

"I'll never have that, like, 'cause I don't want kids."

So I was like, "Is there a way he could,

like, fuck me holding a baby?"

Like, we could just, like, borrow a friend's baby

for a few minutes.

Like, not--don't think-- it's nothing gross.

Like, he would just hold it like this.

It wouldn't even know.

It would feel soothed and rocked, I feel like.

It might fall asleep. I don't know.

If it wakes up, we'll blindfold it.

Like, I don't want to damage your baby either,

you know?

Or if you have, like, a blind baby,

that would be perfect.

Is this weird, you guys?

Is that a weird question?

I do--I like kids.

I'm not good with kids, though.

Some people are just naturally good with kids,

like Bill Cosby.

Like, he was so great with kids.

We forget that.

He was great with kids.

Women not so much,

but kids, just mmm!

I'm not--I mean, I babysat for years,

'cause this family just never came home, but...

That was difficult. It's hard.

Babysitting is hard.

It's like, "Ugh."

'Cause it's like, you're a mother,

but you don't love them,

so it's, like, hard to care.

You know what I mean?

I'm just like, "Your kid doesn't look like me.

Like, I don't care what happens."

Like, I wouldn't be mean, but I was just like,

"You can go watch TV. You're not gonna be president.

Let's be honest with ourselves.

Like, you know?"

I'm sure your kids are different, though.

I--yeah, I just feel like I'm past my prime

to have kids a little bit.

Like, I feel like I should have done it in my teens.

Like, that would have been the best time.

It's like they discourage it almost exclusively,

but they shouldn't.

Like, when I was in high school,

I was, like-- I was--I'm busy now,

but, like, what was I doing then, you know?

Like, homework? Not really.

Like, I had five years

to just do whatever I wanted, you know?

All I did was eat cereal and watch "Saved by the Bell."

Like, you can have a baby through all of that.

It's a great time to do it.

First of all, your body bounces right back,

so that's sweet.

Like, when you're 16 and you have a baby

at, like, 11:00 a.m., you can be at cheerleading practice

at 4:00, top of the pyramid,

ready to go.

Maybe not the top.

You're still a little leaky, but you're there.

You could be there.

I'm sure you're suited up.

Also, if I had a baby now,

like, my parents couldn't help me at all.

They live in St. Louis. I'm in L.A.

Like, it would be too hard,

but if--if you're in high school and you have a kid,

like, you live with your mom and dad

or probably just your mom.

Let's be honest.

Yeah, your dad probably split a while ago,

but your mom's there, you know?

She's hanging out, vaping,

watching "Dr. Phil," something like that.

Like, I feel like that's how she busies herself.

She can help. She can--

You could just hand the baby to her

and be like, "Here, Mom, try again.

"He's yours now.

"Yeah, you kind of fucked up the first time,

"since that's mine and I can't drive, so...

"Yeah, his name's Mulligan.

"I really feel like you can nail it this time

if you just, like, focus and stop playing the lottery."

That would have been a good time.

I'd have it over with too.

If I had a baby when I was, like, 15,

she'd be 16 now, probably have a granddaughter on the way.

Like, that would be perfect for me.

I could handle life as a nana, you know?

That's what I call my grandma, 'cause when I was little,

I couldn't pronounce "old bitch,"

so that's what I came up with, and that's...

No.

No, she's sweet.

She wouldn't even hurt a fly,

'cause flies don't understand verbal abuse,

so she would just, like, keep screaming at it

and calling it fat,