The Merger

- Neil Barlow's Bodgy Creek Documentary, take one.

My Granddad reckons that if there was a Nobel Prize

for being a dickhead,

Troy Carrington would win it every year.

Troy Carrington's AFL footy career ended

when his leg got mangled

as he ran through the banner on Grand Final day.

It got caught in the crepe paper and looked gross.

Around here we call him Town Killer

because of the greenie protests he led

that shut down the Bodgy Creek Timber Mill.

Troy has absolutely no friends.

This is his story.

- Have I come in too early, Neil?

Dude, wha...

Troy, I told you.

I'm gonna use this at the beginning of the documentary.

- Sorry, mate. - You're too early, Jesus.

Troy Carrington, no mates, mangled leg, dickhead.

- Bit full on. - Troy!

Rrright.

It's Warwick Randall here on Bodgy Creek Community Radio.

The community markets are on today

at the Recreation Reserve.

However, the Men's Shed won't be doing

their usual Wood Turning Exhibition as Len Hutton's

second hip replacement has been moved forward.

Hopefully they'll open him up

on the correct side this time around.

Town killer!

- Excuse me, do you have a stall holder's license?

No, not yet.

Gretchen over there said I'd be able to sort it out

on the day.

Well she's wrong.

You have to apply at least 14 days in advance

for a stall holder's license.

Well, I'm here now.

Can't I just-- - We're full!

It's Neil, isn't it?

I'm Troy.

I know who you are.

Why are you at the markets?

I thought you were a hermit.

- Well, I'm mostly self-sufficient out at my place.

I don't have to come into town much.

Like a hermit?

Do you mind not filming me?

Classic hermit.

I saw you at my dad's funeral last year.

- That must have been tough, mate.

I lost my mom when I was your age, and--

- So hermits can go to funerals and community markets.

Anything else?

I'm not a hermit.

- Why did you want the timber mill shut?

I didn't.

Granddad reckons you did.

- I just wanted sustainable logging for old growth forests.

He said it was a dog act

and that you pissed on the memory of your dad

who used to work there.

He also says you're an ungrateful bastard

'cause you never thanked him

for coaching you to AFL standard.

- He has a lot of opinions, your granddad.

- Did you really break your leg in nine places?

- Give or take. - Can I see your scars?

Roll your jeans up.

Nah, mate, I'd prefer not.

I can make a doco about you.

Come on, Neil, we gotta go.

Hang on, Mum.

Troy Carrington just asked me

to make a documentary about him

and we're workin' out fees. - I didn't agree to...

Hi, Angie, Troy.

Hi, I know, hi.

- I thought you knew my mum and dad.

We never properly met.

- Then how come you came to my dad's funeral?

I was paying my respects.

- A hermit going to a stranger's funeral is just weird.

Neil!

Sorry, Troy, I...

Thank you for coming.

I didn't get to say it on the day,

but I did appreciate the gesture.

It's fine.

Sorry, again.

Private wine tastings?

You're really shit at being a hermit.

Neil!

Semillon Shiraz.

Gee, that's niche.

- I've got a chardonnay frontignac blend

with a squirt of comquat juice if you prefer your whites.

- Yeah, we, we'd better scoot actually, Troy.

We've got a footy club meeting at the Tin Shed.

- Nana said it was an extraordinary meeting.

What's that?

- Extraordinary meetings are meetings

that get called to discuss the fact that they probably

should have called the meeting a fair bit earlier.

- Should be the dictionary definition.

Come on.

He's nice for a hermit.

- You can't just force us into a merger, Geoff!

What's a merger?

- İt's when one shit team joins up

with another shit team to make a slightly less shit team.

Okay.

- Neville, your club has got no money,

no players, and no coach.

Your club president didn't even bother to show up.

Granddad's in hospital!

- Look, we may have been able to overlook some issues

but we can't overlook this.

This report arrived on my desk fellas, and I had to act.

Your club rooms have been found to be riddled with asbestos.

- What? - That's really bad.

- Does that mean they'll be heritage listed?

- No, it means your club rooms have to come down.

- No! - That's just bullshit!

- I told Bull this at our meeting a couple of weeks ago.

Did Bull tell you about this?

- Is it friable or non-friable asbestos?

No, it makes a difference if the particles

are airborne or not, because if they're air--

- Regardless, you as a club need to decide:

merge of fold.

Excuse me!

Can you guys wind this up?

We have the hall booked from 2:00 pm.

- Why didn't you tell us the club rooms

were getting knocked down?

'Cause it'll never happen.

I'll chain myself to the rooms if I have to.

Like the greenies.

- No, not like the bloody greenies.

Get into bed, love.

The doctor said you should avoid getting stressed.

What's a prostate, Granddad?

It's a gland up your pooper.

- Granddad's gonna be fine, Neily.

It's just exploratory keyhole surgery.

- Why are you having exploratory keyhole surgery?

I lost my keys.

So have you found a coach yet?

- No, but Pig Dog McBride's outta prison.

Next option?

Ron Wills?

- Beryl says his tinnitus is getting worse.

What's tinnitus?

- That's a hearing disease that men develop

when they marry people like Beryl.

She's not that bad.

Sorry, love, what was that?

What was that? - Put that thing out!

- You're the one who told me I couldn't go outside

in this ensemble.

- Why don't you ask Troy Carrington to coach?

- Any ex-players on your list who aren't traitors, Nev?

Ease up, Bull.

He was best man at my wedding.

- Listen, the coach has gotta love the club.

I captained-coached two flags,

and one of 'em was with concussion and a--

Floating bone in my knee.

- Troy will bring in new players.

He'll attract sponsors.

- What is it with you wanting to give

all the local jobs away to outsiders?

I mean, it's bad enough that you,

that you're tryin' to give work to refos ahead of your own.

Don't start that again.

- What makes you think that Troy is an outsider?

- He only goes to funerals, community markets,

and field day.

- Come here when he was 10, left when he was 23.

Not a local.

- So according to the Bull Barlow Index,

I am also not a local.

Correct.

Speaking of outsiders, you didn't bring an ashtray,

did you, Doc?

- Mr. Barlow, I'm gonna have to ask you

to put that out.

Ooh.

Bull!

- They're gonna have to empty it anyway.

- Mr. Barlow, I'm gonna have to give you

a full rectal examination.

Have you had trouble passing stools recently?

I don't know.

Have you had your fingernails cut recently?

Heads!