Undateable

Oh, look at them, huh?

Did you ever think there'd be

two ridiculously beautiful women here

that both spent the night?

Yeah. I just never thought one of them

would have been with you.

Morning, ladies.

Uh-oh.

Mm. And now we switch.

Wait. What?

Oh, hello. Hi.

No, wait. No, not a swinger.

Just close your eyes and think of me, babe,

'cause that's what I'm gonna do.

Nicki, don't do that! No!

Relax.

We were just messing with you.

Don't you ever do that to me again, okay?

My heart is racing.

Ugh. It's my mom again.

She's still recovering from her hip surgery,

and my stepdad is just being no help.

Ugh. Jerry.

Look, tell Cindy I'm praying for her.

Her mom loves Jesus, and I love pleasing moms.

Weird thing is, she always calls

right before we're about to have sex.

It's like she knows.

Well, maybe she does know.

I mean, I tell my mom everything.

And now I can never meet your mom.

No. It's cool.

My mom is a very beautiful, very sexually open person.

Don't say it.

And now I must meet her mom.

All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Okay. We are going.

"Undateable." Created by Adam Sztykiel.

Soccieball.

- Thanks for letting me take off early, babe. - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Knock, knock.

- Come on in. - Mm.

Mm.

When you start having morning sex with me,

then you can leave early, too.

Okay.

I'm gonna call your bluff.

I call topsies.

Hey, don't forget we're playing poker at my place tonight.

Nicki and I are hanging out, so...

Dude, since you started dating Nicki,

we never see you anymore.

Whatever happened to putting the bros before the hos?

Come on, guys. Give him a break, okay?

He's dealing with something

that you guys would never understand.

He's recently had sex.

You know what?

Any one of you would choose sex

over hanging out with the guys, all right?

Look, Brett, it's game night,

but one of the guys from "300" walks through the door

and says "hey, I lost me hands in battle,

and I need your help to wash me abs."

Then I would literally strangle my own mother

and climb over her dead body

to get to clean those abs, then.

I would be very thorough, Danny,

for this is Sparta!

Uh, I... Didn't even mention your mother,

so that's weird that you chose to murder her in the scenario,

but, uh, I'll go talk to him.

What?

Go call your mom.

Bye. Good night, guys.

- Good night, Les. - Good night, Les.

Good night, Les.

- Drink! - Drink!

- What was that? - That was a little drinking game

Shelly and I like to play.

Whenever you touch Les, we take a drink.

It's a great way to get very drunk very fast.

Please. If I was groping Leslie, I think she'd tell me.

He never gropes. And I know groping.

Today on the bus,

some guy leaned against my boob for the entire ride.

Well, he probably didn't know he was doing it.

It was his face.

Still, you do touch me a little bit.

You're an accidental toucher.

Oh, no, no, no.

With the subconscious, there are no accidents.

Deep down...

You want to touch her down deep.

I'm just gonna go put on pj’s before we start the movie.

Oh. Me too.

Here. Do not eat this until we get back, okay?

What are you doing?

She said not to eat it.

Yeah. Well, luckily I am not afraid of her.

Look, baby bird, I think

that you might be a little whipped, okay?

Do you really want to stay in on a friday night

and watch "Magic Mike" with Nicki? - Yes.

That's how I learn all my sick dance moves

that I use in the bedroom.

You know, just...

Why are you giving me grief, okay?

You're here with your girlfriend.

Girlfriend? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Shut your mouth.

Okay. Hold on one second.

Sabrina, did you happen

to hear the hilarious word that Justin just used?

- What? - Never mind.

Hey, man.

You can't just be tossing g-bombs around like that, okay?

I've only been dating her for like a week, all right?

I haven't even named her boobs yet...

Although I'm thinking about Kathie Lee and Hoda,

because they are so perky in the morning.

I'm not whipped, okay?

Nicki lets me do what I want.

Then why do you always bail on the guys to hang with her?

Honestly, I'm just trying not to get ahead of myself.

I just... you know, I don't want to freak her out.

Freak her out? Why? How are you gonna freak her out?

Oh, my God. Are you pregnant?

Stop it. No.

Okay. Then what are you talking about?

I'm in love with her, okay?

Aw.

What did you just say?

Hello.

Um, I was just saying that I love you...

That I'm in... I-I love you, Nicki.

Cool.

Hey, I wouldn't worry about today, mate.

I don't think it's gonna be uncomfortable with Nicki.

Hey.

Um, about last night, I think...

I'm gonna stop you there, okay?

Ain't no thing but a apron string.

Babe, are you sure that you're not upset?

'Cause you make really weird rhymes when you're upset.

Nah, nah.

We're cool, cool in the pool, pool.

I mean, unless there's something you wanted to say.

No? Okay.

Can you believe this?

I mean, I say "I love you,"

and she just bats it down like a piñata.

Oh, I identify with piñatas.

I'm also adorable and full of candy.

Yo, man, you want Nicki wrapped around your finger?

All you got to do is stop telling her how you feel.

Danny, do you not hear yourself?

I only hear myself.

See, Nicki's like a hummingbird.

And you're like a kitty cat

that keeps scaring her away.

"I love you."

What you got to do

is just turn your back on that hummingbird

and do some other kitty-cat business, you know?

"Uh-oh! Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Somebody's got a laser pointer.

You go get that red dot.

"Hey!"

Anyway, then that little hummingbird

will eventually come back right over near you

and just land on your shoulder,

all because you weren't paying attention to her.

"Hey, little kitty cat.

Guess what. I missed you so... "

Danny, you should write a book.

Yeah. You know, I always thought I could be

like a big-time motivational speaker.

I meant a book on birds.

I'm not playing any of your games.

I'm not afraid to put my feelings out there, all right?

I live out loud.

Shelly, I love you.

Brett, you too.

Bursk, cool sweatshirt.

I'm messing with you, man.

I love you. I love you so hard.

I'm gonna start calling you Six Flags

'cause you just took me on an emotional roller coaster.

That's fine, but if you don't play this right,

you're not gonna get the "I love you" back from Nicki.

I'm not hiding Danny. All right?

And I don't regret that I said, "I love you."

In fact, if I saw her again,

I'd tell her I love her again.

Hey, I might even double down

and say, "let's move in together."

- Hey, babe. - Yeah?

Table four needs beer.

Mm-hmm.