Neville Shah Going Downhill

If both your parents are alive,

and if all your grandparents are alive,

you're not going to enjoy the show.

I'm a single child, no brothers no sisters,

grew up as a single child, with a single mother.

With a single mother

Single moms are amazing.

My mom was particularly fantastic.

I really really really really miss my mom.

She was amazing.

She never made me miss my dad.

She used to beat the shit out of me.

That's the thing guys, that's the thing.

Like when a dad hits you, dad has to hit you once, and you get it.

Like... Don't do it again

But with mom's what happens is, mom's believe that because they're women,

they don't hurt hard enough.

So they overcompensate when they beat you.

So they beat the shit of you...

I made you, I'll fucking end you.

And then they give you pudding.

And you're like, what is this Stockholm syndrome,

which is what motherly love is, it's Stockholm syndrome

Too much love and then too much hitting.

Children are assholes as it is.

Single children are motherfuckers.

And if you have a single child, with a single mother

then we are the worst.

We are just the worst.

Because we know that we are your weakness.

And we will exploit it.

Because kids have no emotion.

All that fucking is all fake, fuckers.

It's all fucking fake.

We will exploit it. Like I used to exploit it all the time.

I was like, one day I went, I was like,

"Mummy mummy, give me 200 rupees." Okay.

Mom's like, "I gave you money yesterday,

I'm not going to give you money again, you spent it all."

"I'll go and ask dad for it."

So easy.

So easy.

But moms are also moms.

They get smarter with time.

Motherly love is like artificial intelligence.

It gets better with experience, really it does.

Cause a couple of years later I was like, "Mom, mom I want 500 rupees."

Inflation!

So I was like, "Mom, mom I want 500 rupees."

She's like, "I gave you money yesterday.

You spent it all, I'm not going to give you any more money."

"Mom, I'll go and ask dad."

"Fine, if you find him, ask him to give me also money."

How ya? Fucking...

Mom was amazing man. Single mother, tough, tough. She was a lawyer.

She was also Parsi.

Okay, I know it's funny, but...

She was Parsi.

And most parents in this country actually want you to follow their religion.

It's not hate or anything. It's never been hate.

They want you to follow their religion.

They're like, "Look, we tried, it didn't work for us, you try and see."

"Maybe it will work...We made a wish, and we got you."

"Maybe it will be better with you."

So they make you want to do religion.

And religion is like...religion is like an institution, right?

It makes you feel superior,

by making other people inferior, right?

Religion is basically Bombay Gymkhana.

It is...

But the Parsi religion is worse than Bombay Gymkhana.

See Bombay Gymkhana allows guests.

Parsis are like, "You're dark get lost." Just fuck off.

It's amazing...

I used to try to go to the fire temple,

then you'd see my color, and the security guard who was not Parsi,

would be like, "Where are you going?"

And just to fuck with him, I'd be like, "I'm going inside."

Then I would put on my cap and I would walk in.

And he'll be like

And I'd be like, "Get lost, Motherfucker"

He'd be like, confused...

"He's got the nose. Hmmm, possible."

It's a stereotype about Parsis.

That if a Parsi man with a hard on walked into a glassdoor,

he would break his nose.

Stereotype...

That's why, conscious of it.

My mom wanted me to be Parsi man

but she had married outside the community,

so she was thrown out of the community, obviously.

And muggles aren't allowed into Hogwarts.

But mom had some money, so private tuition.

What you need to understand about the Parsi religion is,

here are couple of rules about the Parsi Comic Universe,

also known as the PCU.

Parsis worship the elements,

worship the elements, but it's represented by fire.

Fire is Ironman. Carries the franchise, okay.

The other thing you need to know about Parsis is, Parsis also worship cows,

but we also enjoy them.

We're like, "Our god is very tasty."

We have no problem. We are like, cow is like

We are like. They've no problem.

There's a downside to enjoying cows and worshiping them.

Is that when we get baptized, which in our version is called 'Navjote',

we have to drink something called,'Taro'

which is cow's piss.

If you don't believe me, you can ask any Parsi you know,

it'll be difficult to find, but just you'll...

You're, you're Parsi? Don't raise your hand, it's not a classroom.

It's fine. She's Parsi... We have to drink Taro, right?

Yeah, we have to drink Taro.

But it's not like a Taro party.

It's not like everybody has glasses of like cow piss

and you're like. It's not like that.

Okay, it's not that, that's not it.

It's basically you've to touch your lips to cow piss, alright, Taro.

Now I've a cousin who is a motherfucker.

Like not really the definition of the word, just the concept of the word.

You get what I'm saying, right.

So, this cousin he comes to me and he's like,

"Neville, this, this Taro that they will give you,

it's like the best fresh lime juice you've ever tasted."

I am like, "really?"

He's like, "Ya,

but they are damn stingy with it ya.

They will only want you to touch your lips.

So when you get a chance, take a gulp."

I am like, "thank you my brother.

I will always trust family."

So in my baptism, in my Navjote,

the priest came close to me with this glass.

And as he came close to me, I was like, Neville, this is your chance, go for it.

So I was like,

Surprise guys, it does not taste like fresh lime juice,

tastes like cow's piss.

It does.

Like if you had to imagine what cow's piss would taste like.

That's how it tastes, alright.

Not anything spectacular.

And I spat out piss.

On my god.

And extinguished him.

See I spat piss on my god,

it's the strangest sentence in the English language.

Because there are so many questions.

They are like, "whose piss was it, why was it in your mouth,

if it was in your mouth voluntarily, why did you spit it out?

Most importantly, what sort of sordid sexual act were you doing,

where there was a god involved?"

What sort of weird kryptonite is this, no?

For a god,

scared of water.

All other gods are so cool,

my god sits at home during the festival of Holi.

Scared of water.

There's a, there's a sweet dish called, Malido,

which is the best sweet dish you'll ever have.

It's only available at Parsi funerals.

Really, really. It's called Malido.

It's fucking great. It's orange in color. It tastes great.

And it's only available at funerals. They don't give it anywhere else.

If there's a Parsi person you know that's dying, just hang out with them.

Just do it now, become friends, go fucking eat it.

It's only available... I don't know what they put in it, the person's blood.

I don't know why, but it's, it's oh my god, it's outstanding.

But here's the sad part about it, there are only 69,000 Malido's left.

So bad...

You're explaining the joke to her, no?

Also he needs to wipe his sweat.

Too weird man.

What do you do?

I'm a teacher.

You're a teacher? So sweet. What do you do, what do you teach?

Online education, MBA subjects.

Online education, fuck. Great job.

What subjects do you teach online?

Finance and accounts.

Finance and accounts you teach online?

Are you the person who sends emails into my inbox?

Saying, "I have found 160 million dollars in your name."

It's not nice, you didn't reply, when I replied.

Once a man hits puberty,

he has to masturbate,

once every 15 days.

If you don't, your brain will conjure up an image,

and you will get a wet dream and you will masturbate.

And you will get papad pants.

Okay. Do you know what papad pants are?

No? Allow me to explain papad pants.

Are you over 18?

You're 23, then you're fine.

I can explain this to you legally without getting into any trouble.

Papad pants,

basically when you cum in your shorts,

they become like starch, when they dry up. That's Papad pants.

You thought I was gonna make it gross no? No.

But you know what's the worst feeling?

It's like when the papad pants, like when it dries up on your dick,