Happy Gilmore

My name is Happy Gilmore.

Ever since I was old enough to skate, I loved hockey.

I wasn't really the greatest skater, though.

But that didn't stop my dad from teaching me

the secret of smacking the greatest slap shot.

My dad worshipped hockey. My mom didn't.

That's why she moved to Egypt,

where there's not a hockey rink within 1,500 miles.

Dad always took me to games to cheer for our favorite player

Terry O'Reilly, the Tasmanian Devil.

He wasn't the biggest guy in the league, but he feared nobody, just like me.

Handsome fellow, huh?

He always said that when I grew up, I could be anything I wanted to be

but I never wanted to be anything but a hockey player.

Yeah, my childhood was going great, but life is full of surprises.

After the funeral

I was sent to live with my grandma in Waterbury.

I was kind of nervous, since I really didn't know her that well

but she dressed like Gene Simmons from KISS to cheer me up.

She's the sweetest person in the world.

See, after my dad died, I developed kind of a short fuse.

That kid right there just stole my party blower

and instead of asking for it back

I felt I had to belt him in the head a bunch of times with a hammer.

Look at me go.

But most of the time, I was quick to say I was sorry.

During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records:

most time spent in a penalty box,

and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate

and try to stab somebody.

After I graduated, I had a lot of different jobs.

I was a road worker,

a janitor,

a security guard,

a gas station attendant,

and a plumber.

Lately, I've been working construction. It's not a bad racket.

I'm a pretty good shot with a nail gun.

But one day my boss, Mr. Larson, got in the way.

Apparently, he also has a short fuse. Look at that monster.

He got a few lucky punches in there, but I still feel I won the fight.

Anyways, those jobs weren't for me.

I was put on this planet for one reason, to play hockey.

That's my puck, baby! Don't you ever touch my puck!

Number 18. Is that Gilmore again?

How many times has this guy tried out, anyway?

At least 10 times.

The guy's got a lot of intensity.

Not a real strong skater, though.

Ain't the best puck handler, either.

Man, which side are you playing for?

Yeah, but, my God...

What a shot.

Damn it!

Is that goal regulation size, or what?

Number 1,

number 52, number 16.

They saw my power, man. Ain't no way they're gonna dog me this year.

Number 9

and number 43.

The rest of you, if your number wasn't called, better luck next year.

Hey, Coach, what's going on here, man? What about me?

Gilmore.

Gilmore, I called your number, didn't I?

No, no, no, no, you didn't.

Well, better luck next year.

- Now, that wasn't very nice! - What are you doing?

Get him off me!

Somebody help me!

You think you're better than me?

Hey, where are you going? I got us Subway.

I already ate.

Well, I went to high school with a guy who worked there, so we got extra meatball.

Great. I got to run. See you later.

Hey, can you just stick around? I kind of had a rough day.

Bye.

- When are you getting back? - Never.

Terry, wait!

Wait! Hold on a second, babe.

Yeah.

You're not going for good, are you, honey?

You're going nowhere, Happy, and you're taking me with you.

All you ever talk about is being a pro hockey player, but there's a problem.

You're not any good!

I am good! You know what? You're a lousy kindergarten teacher!

I've seen those finger paintings you bring home, and they suck!

I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean that. I think they're excellent finger paintings.

Please don't go.

I am not spending the rest of my life with a loser.

I'm gone.

Good! Then, get the hell out of my life! Who needs you? Beat it! Leave me alone!

I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean that either.

I just yell sometimes 'cause I get so scared,

scared of being a nobody.

Why don't you just come back upstairs, honey?

I'll give you the old smoochy-smoo kissy-wissy.

Hmm.

You know Happy's gonna make everything okay.

I wanna kiss you all over

And over and again

I wanna kiss you all over

Till the night closes in

Till the night closes in

Terry!

Yeah.

All right, sit tight. I'll be right over.

Hey, you no want breakfast?

Grandma!

Grandma!

Hey, put that stuff down! That's my grandmother's!

Cut it out, kid. We're just doing our jobs.

What are you talking about?

Your grandmother hasn't paid her taxes in over a decade.

What?

Grandma, you didn't pay your taxes?

I would have, but I didn't have any money.

Where are you taking all her stuff?

I'm not taking her stuff, okay? The government is.

It's not like I'm taking her stuff over to my place

or something like that, all right? So don't get mad at me.

But she's an old lady. I mean, look at her. She's old.

You can't just take her stuff. She's too old.

I'm sorry. I have no discretion here. Her stuff is now our stuff.

Well, at least we got the house, right?

I mean, I can bring furniture from my place over here. We're gonna be okay, Grandma.

Now you're really gonna be mad. I have to take the house, too.

No, look, pal, my grandfather built this house with his bare hands.

My grandma's been here over sixty years. You can't take her house.

Mrs. Gilmore owes the IRS

$270,000 in back taxes.

- Oh, my God. - We have to take the house.

And if you can't get the money together in ninety days

we're gonna have to sell the house to someone else.

You hate me, don't you?

No, no, no, I don't hate you.

He hates me.

Don't worry, Grandma, everything's going to be all right.

Look at this place, Silver Acres Rest Home.

Hell, it looks more like a country club than a nursing home.

Nice grass, nice people.

- Now, I hope you brought your bathing suit. - Oh, Happy.

I'm telling you, this place is perfect. You're gonna make friends in no time.

Mister!

Get me out of here!

Here, just eat that! Leave us alone!

Grandma, you don't gotta do this, you know. You can come live with me.

Nonsense, dear. You're a grown man.

I wouldn't burden you like that, and that's final.

You tell me, how's that nice girlfriend of yours?

She got hit by a car. She's dead.

Look, I'm telling you,

I am gonna get that $270,000 and we're gonna get your house back.

That is a promise.

Oh, sure.

In the meantime, just stay here and have some fun.

I will, dear. Don't worry.

Pardon me, but it's naptime.

All right, a nap, that sounds nice.

- You go. - I love you.

I love you too, darling.

- Okay, bye. - Goodbye.

Hey, buddy.

I want you to do me a favor. You see that lady?

- She's very important to me, okay? - Okay.

So I want you to take extra-special care of her.

You know what I'm talking about here?

I can't accept that, but I'll tell you what I can do.

I can take extra-special care of that young lady over there for nothing.

Okay, I appreciate that.

Have a nice afternoon.

Sir, could I trouble you for a glass of warm milk?

It helps put me to sleep.

You could trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up!

Now, you will go to sleep, or I will put you to sleep.

Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, Grandma.

Oh, dear.

Hey, bet you I can hit a ball past that tree.

$20 says you can't.

Hey, morons, I told you I wanna watch the hockey game.

Now, cut the golf sissy crap and finish up in there.

Relax.

Think of it as a way to enjoy your grandma's possessions for another half hour.

Oh, my God, you got ahold of that one!

- I'd like to see you try it. - Yeah, it's not as easy as it looks.

Sorry, ladies, I'm not the golfing type.

I'll tell you what. You hit a ball past my ball

and we'll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.

Give me the stupid club.

Look at this stupid thing.

This is gonna be hilarious. I mean, look how he's standing.

You like that?

Holy shit!

Go back to work.

That house is like four hundred yards away.

- Is that good? - That's unbelievable.

Beginner's luck.

$20 says you can't do it again.

Bring it on.

You boys are gonna pay for that!

- You hit that guy! - He shouldn't have been standing there.