Little Britain USA

Britain and America, the two most respected countries in the world.

That we also have the most weapons is purely coincidental.

And yet, there are many differences between us.

You have no idea what art and literature are.

We have no idea what Hannah Montana is.

You know nothing of manners or social etiquette.

We are unfamiliar with Chuck E Cheese's Pizza Emporiums.

But the people of our two nations also share so much,

as we are about to find out.

It's time for Little Britain USA.

One of the most popular pastimes in Britain,

after dog-fighting

is transvestism.

Excuse me! I did not steal a dress!

I was merely trying it on for size,

forgot to take it off and walked out of the store. Silly me!

- Tell it to the judge. - Unhand me, you brute!

Rape, rape, lady rape! Oh, oh!

ENGINE STARTING

At this police station in Pittsburgh,

British transvestite Emily Howard has found himself in a spot of bother.

You need to do your mug shots.

Wonderful!

Face the camera, please, sir.

Turn to your left.

Turn to the right.

Oooooh, fashion!

OK, name?

Emily Howard.

Eddie Howard.

Sex?

We've only just met!

Gender.

Well, how utterly absurd! I'm a lady. I do ladies' things.

Male.

Marital status?

Many proposals from eligible gentlemen,

but I don't have a ring on my finger just yet.

Wife and three kids.

OK, you're allowed one phone call.

DIALLING

RINGING TONE

Hello, Tommy?

It's Daddy.

Is Mummy there?

No. Well, can you tell Mummy Daddy's been arrested?

He's in a police station and he's wearing a dress...

but there's nothing to worry about.

OK. Bye.

MOUTHING

It is a widely known fact that 90% of Americans cannot write their own name.

Just watering this plant.

But the top minds in the country attend universities like this one.

KNOCKING Come in!

Hey, Linda.

- Hello, Steven. Take a seat. - Sure.

So...

How can I help you?

Well, all I need to know

is when my essay on contemporary African-American playwrights is due in.

I'm not sure. I'll call Martin and find out.

Martin, it's Linda.

I've got a student here, needs to know when his essay is due in.

Yeah.

Steven, Steven Morrow. The grad student. You know Steven.

Um, how can I describe him?

Er, black hair, nice jazzy waistcoats.

Puts you in mind of a Hobbit.

Gets his clothes from Baby Gap.

Would've made a fabulous Ewok.

You know... AS GARY COLEMAN: "Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?"

That's the one, yeah.

Yes, I did the face. Yes. Thanks.

It's due in on Monday.

Thanks.

# Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo... #

The best way for the American male

to indulge his repressed homoerotic tendencies is to attend a gym.

- Impressive shower. - Truly so.

Whoar!

Whoar.

Oooh!

Man, that is funny!

Whoa! Don't you dare do that to me after I've just done that to you.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

LAUGHING

- Whoa! - Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa, you've got a...

GASPING

Oh, you've got a...

Ooh!

Ah, ah, OK, don't worry, bro.

It's all good.

Just imagine you're taking a cold shower with Danny DeVito.

BREATHING DEEPLY

That's making it worse!

Me too!

One of the inmates at this boot camp in Utah is British teenager Vicky Pollard.

Vicky has been getting into trouble all her life.

Her first court appearance for assault was when she was two.

Vicky Pollard! Are you trying to escape?

Errrrm...

No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no,

I'm not, because what happened was this whole thing happened

what I don't even know nothing about cos I was, like, totally asleep

and then all of a sudden I heard this little bird tweeting

like it was stuck up on a fence or something

so I climbed up here to save it and I got caught instead.

But that's, like, typical of me because I'll do anything for animals

cos I totally love them and I've only got one conviction for animal cruelty

and that was only because I tied Bethany Ray's hamster to a firework and set it off

and she called the police and said I killed it and I got done for it.

But they never found the body so how could they prove it was hamster murder?

seriously.

Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that.

I've not never even tried to escape or nothing. I, like, totally love this place.

You're so kind to us and you really look after us

and you're always, like, making sure we're nice and clean.

That must be why you always watch us take a shower.

We need to get you down

and then I'm gonna take you straight to the head warden's office.

Good! Good! Cos I was gonna go and see the head warden anyway

because I'm gonna sue this place

cos this barbed wire has totally ripped my leggings.

because you tried to escape

that your sentence will now be increased by another six months.

I don't even care.

You were due to be released tomorrow.

Oh.

OWL HOOTING

That has actually shut me up.

Ellie Grace is a typical, everyday American girl,

except that she is played by a 34-year-old British man.

Now, I know you're gonna be very brave, Ellie Grace.

Tonsils are teeny weeny. They're gonna be out before you know it.

I know, Grandma.

And when you're better, we're all gonna go to Disneyland.

To where, dear?

To Disneyland.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Disneyland. Yes.

I love you, Grandma. I love you, Mom.

We love you too, Ellie Grace.

I love you more than snowflakes.

I love you more than sunshine.

I love you more than ponies.

I love you more than teddy bears.

Oh! I love you more than cartoons.

I love you more than ice cream.

I love you more than interracial gang bangs.

What did she say?

I said I love you more than inter...

We don't need to hear it again, Ellie Grace! Where did you get that from?

Some of the older boys at school said they saw a DVD of men and women

of different ethnic origins partaking in sexual intercourse with each other.

Well, that stuff is just dirty, Ellie Grace.

But I thought you said it was good if people from all races got along together.

Yes, but not that well.

What's all this?

Oh, nothing, Mom.

Hey, there's my brave girl!

Are you ready now for your little operation?

Sure I am.

I love you more than Toy Story 2.

I love you more than marshmallows.

Oh, ha, I love you more than Snoopy.

I love you more than cupcakes.

I love you more than black cock.

LIFT PINGS

What was that, dear?

I said, I love you more than black cock!

Takes after her old grandma!

The number-one drink in Britain is boiling water.

But in America, it is not uncommon to add some coffee beans,

hence the success of coffee-shop chains.

.. Other than Starbucks.

So this is the site of the first Starbucks in the district.

We're always looking for other properties to expand the Starbucks franchise,

so we've just bought this store and we're gonna turn it into a Starbucks.

- The store right next to the Starbucks. - That's right.

Say you've just come out of this Starbucks and you want another Starbucks.

- You can just go into this Starbucks. - OK!

This store we've made an offer on, we thought it'd make the perfect site for...

A Starbucks!

The one right next to the other two Starbucks.

That's right. Crucially, this Starbucks is different than the others.

In what way, Steve?

Well, Steve, we at Starbucks have had a lot of success

We sure have!

So in this Starbucks we're gonna build a Starbucks.

- A Starbucks in a Starbucks! - That's right.

So now you won't have to leave Starbucks to enjoy Starbucks in your Starbucks.

Starbucks.

Starbucks. Starbucks.

Starbu...

ELECTRICAL CRACKLE