Allemaal Familie

Good marriage, lust… Right.

-Are you ready? -Sure.

-Camera's on. -Wait, wait.

-Fuck, I'm nervous. And I need to piss. -Come on.

-Do you see this? Is it good? -Perfect.

Camera.

Sound? Wait. You can't be serious.

Jos. Switch off the lawnmower. We're recording.

Film this. He probably forgot.

Nine out of ten he forgot about it. I know what he's like.

-Guys, what is this? Steve? -He forgot about it.

We've come to record.

You done?

Thanks, Jos.

I said "thanks".

That Jos, really.

Come on. I'm running.

And action.

Family is like a romantic movie.

Warm,

emotional,

but above all…

real.

Jakke, is it running? Sound? And action.

Mom and Dad, family…

Family is family.

Fuck, I don't know what to say. What did you say?

And just like in the movies, our family has lots of comical types.

One is looking for his son. Nemo, from Finding Nemo.

I don't know about film. Should I talk about film?

Carl, just say something interesting about family. It's not that hard.

Mom and Dad, did you know that one in three murders takes place…

Carl.

A type that is bothered by his ring. Frodo, from Lord of the Rings.

We all know the feeling. Rings can bother you.

Really. It's just family.

-Alright, alright. -And…

I have a brother, Steve.

And we had a sister, Anouk.

But she's dead.

So now all we have is the children and Rik.

Dear Bob and Greta, 40 years is a long time.

40 YEARS OF LOVE

When Anouk and I were fed up with all the work and the children,

and the cancer, we looked at you

and said to each other,

"That's how we'll do it."

The secret of a good marriage is to keep surprising each other.

Be surprised like a child. Always cherish your inner child.

So…

look at each other lustfully…

but like a child.

So I'm a child, but you look at me lustfully?

No.

Your inner child is very important,

but having a child is even more important.

Absolutely, and we're working on it.

It's a work in progress.

That was too much. We'll cut that out.

-Now you'll make a movie out of it. -My best one ever.

Oh, when I'm with you,

it's the only place I can be myself.

Where someone really listens.

-If God is love… -Great film.

-…we must be god-like. -Beautifully filmed, eh?

Laura, this should stop.

-Here it comes. -I love you too much.

-I can't stand it anymore. -Turn it up.

Bang.

Everyone's sobbing.

Man, that touches my heart.

Oh, damn it.

Oh yeah.

What a great profession this is.

That's why these moments mean so much to me.

So thank you, everyone.

HAPPINESS NOW FOR SALE

-I'm here for you, Lucy. -Thank you.

For all your desires.

And lusts.

Right. Thank you,

Lucy.

Like I say in chapter four, To Act Is To Take a Mental Stroll:

Misfortune comes naturally.

Sooner or later we all get our share. Misery, discomfort.

It's out of our control.

But what we do have control over, I think, is happiness.

Happiness is often the result of a simple act.

You're very much focused on your misfortune

and not enough on experiencing your fortune.

Just look at our language. How many words do you know for happiness? Jos.

-Bliss. -Very good. Anyone?

-Joy. -Satisfaction.

-Glory. -Satisfaction.

-Sex. -Satisfaction.

Good sex. When I'm fucking, there's…

Yes, alright. Thank you, Hans.

In Sanskrit, the classical language of India,

there are more than 15 words for various degrees of happiness.

More than 15. And we're limited, sorry Jef,

to "satisfaction".

What does that say about us?

-Sorry. -We should be there on time.

Come.

-Are you alright? -Yes, I…

I don't know how to tell them.

It'll work out.

Come.

Could you put these bags in the car?

Bye.

Hi.

Oh, man.

What a bunch of depressiveness.

Well, they're all people.

They just need some guidance and warmth.

Take them to my new film, that'll warm them up.

-What time should we be in the clinic? -Now.

-Hi, Pieter. -Hey, Rik.

-How is it going? -Swimmingly.

And how's Plain?

It can happen any moment now. We're there day and night.

-Exciting. Keep me posted. -Sure.

See you.

-Hi, Linda. -Hi, Rik.

-A pancake with jam? -How did you know?

And a coffee, eh?

Half and half.

Oh, don't you want coffee today?

I do. Sorry.

That was a joke. I meant a coffee half-and-half.

-I want perfection. -Yes, chef.

Carl, I'm thinking of giving you more responsibility.

This is enough responsibility.

When you came in, I didn't think much of you. But you're a goddamn talent.

-Thank you. -Next week you'll be my new sous-chef.

-I don't know if I'm ready for that. -I had my own business at your age.

Discipline, Carl. Responsibility.

You gotta have balls!

Paul, goddammit. You're butchering that Wagyu beef.

You jerk. Do you know what that costs?

Okay, Lo. What's the verdict?

-Well, to be-- -Objection, your Honor.

No, seriously, tell me. How is my sperm?

-And above all, did you like the taste? -Act normal, will you?

Tell us, Lodewijk.

Is something wrong?

Well…

No.

I'm sorry, but your sperm

-is in a bad shape. -So it's lazy?

Well, more like…

dead.

You should see it as… How shall I put it?

Your sperm is…

It's dead.

Dead sperm.

Really?

Are you sure? Maybe it had a bad day. We're all dead tired now and then.

No, sorry.

Could it be the erotic film you gave me to fill that container? It was really bad.

No Steve, that can't be the cause.

-So dead sperm. -Yes.

Fuck.

So that's it then.

Not necessarily. There are other options, of course.

What, adoption?

For instance. But that's a long and difficult process.

I was thinking more of insemination with donor sperm.

Sperm of another man.

Of a donor, yes.

What the fuck, Carl.

To the kitchen. We're in the middle of service.

-Harald, it's not what you think. -It isn't?

I think you fucked my wife.

Well, then maybe it is what you think.

Don't think you'll ever find a job anywhere, you damn asshole.

Hi, darling.

Today was a good day.

Plain still won't deliver.

Sometimes mothers don't want to part with their little one.

But you know all about that, of course.

I ate a pancake and drank a coffee half-and-half at Linda's.

Not my thing. The coffee, I mean, not Linda.

Linda, she's…

She has your smile, actually.

I miss you.

God, I miss you so.

It's going to be so nice.

And having to go to the hospital time after time, it's not a good idea.

I think we should do it.

Really, the sperm bank? Darling, it's one big Russian roulette.

You have no idea what they put inside you. It can be anybody's sperm.

You don't know anything about his education or social background.

-Who knows what color comes out. -Please. You do have a choice.

And I want the best of the best. I want Nobel Prize-winning sperm.

I can do it myself, at home. There's nothing wrong with me.

You can set your watch by my cycle.

-And I have no say in this? -You want a child as well, right?

We want a child.

Right, we do. Not some clown who fills a container to earn 20 euros.