Search Party

- So, Chantal, I did something for you.

I filed something called an ineptitude appeal.

Now, this is a leftover New York state loophole

from the Prohibition era

when people used to be paid

to carry boxes of alcohol

to illegal establishments

without actually knowing what was in the boxes.

Now, technically speaking,

under this vague and arcane criminal statute,

you could be considered a "boxhead."

- For the record, I never carried anything.

- Uh-huh. Yeah, I-I-I understand that.

I--what I'm telling you is,

I can get you out of prison.

- Oh. Whoa.

Okay, just--hold on, Leonard.

Things are moving really fast.

- Do you not want to leave prison?

- Well, I mean, I just got used to it, and,

like, the food is, like, legit yummy,

and, like, the girls here all think it's really cool

that I did those crimes.

- Okay, you're really breaking me here.

I j--you know what? Just--

all you have to do is--here.

Sign this.

- Okay, well, could you, like, at least give me

five minutes to ask where they got their mattresses from?

- Just sign the paper, Chantal, okay?

I mean...

I don't know, Leonard.

Like, I signed my way into this mess.

I just--I really think that I'm gonna need to get a lawyer

to look over this before I sign it.

I am your lawyer, you idiot!

You know what? Just sign the paper.

Sign the fucking paper!

God damn it, for the love of God,

sign the paper!

Okay.

I better not go to jail for this.

["Obedear" by Purity Ring playing]

It's just so small.

Like, I don't even understand how we all fit in here.

Like, is this, like, an optical illusion?

Is there even enough oxygen to breathe?

- Yeah, I know, it's a big change, honey.

- Yeah, more like a small change, Mom.

- Well, we just have to make do, right?

Robert! - Huh?

What?

- Okay, what is wrong with Dad?

The doctors don't know.

They just speculate

that it's some kind of situational dementia

brought about by disturbing circumstances.

- What? Why?

Chantal, get a clue!

This is all because of you!

- What... - Let's not shout,

because we actually do not know what these walls can handle.

No, no, Mom.

She needs to understand.

Your legal fees

tapped us out completely,

and now we are poor,

and we all mysteriously lost our jobs for downsizing,

but it is obvious that the real reason

is because we have a family member

that was stupid enough to associate

with that bad, old man!

We can't get hired anywhere.

They practically chased us out of Chappaqua.

And you did that to us, Chantal.

You did that!

- Okay, Catherine, when you raise your voice,

it is traumatizing.

Oh.

- You know, and on top of everything else,

Ted is selling drugs.

I'm not selling them, Linda.

I'm microdosing, and it's a legitimate practice.

One tab is 1/12 of a hit of LSD

and can provide me with a wealth

of incredible innovations.

Believe me when I tell you

I will invent something

that will save our family.

Ted, my family

is not your family,

and I don't feel comfortable when you say "our family."

Chantal, is that you?

- Ugh. Yes, Daddy.

I've been behind you for 15 minutes.

Oh, God. Okay, this has got to stop.

I don't like it. You guys are freaking me out.

I am not a poor person, okay?

I don't want to be a Witherbottom anymore.

- Oh, but honey, you are a Witherbottom.

This isn't Witherbottom.

It's rock bottom.

I'm sorry. What are you doing?

- Eating, Chantal, like a family.

Hmm.

Uh, I don't think that you are eating

because I don't see food.

Sticks and rings are not food.

I was resistant at first,

but the nuggets have really proved themselves.

They can be a little salty, which is why it's good

to take a little dip into the sweet and the sour.

It's a pleasing balance.

- Catherine, your husband is very high right now.

- Can you just... -

- Okay, I am not eating this.

- Just think of dinner time like we're at a carnival.

I want goose!

You've never had goose.

Yeah, okay, and you have?

Okay...

It's crazy that I ate better in prison than this.

So, Chantal,

everyone is trying to do their parts

to help the family out in their own way.

Catherine is selling bus vacations over the phone.

Linda found a way to make money off of emails.

- Mm-hmm. Every CC is 20¢.

Robert is...

unable to work,

and I am busy

challenging the frontiers of perception

in an attempt to save us all,

and so I think it may be up to you, Chantal,

to begin applying for jobs.

- Oh, my friend Binda could get you a job

at a money order service in Queens.

- And I did overhear the neighbors yelling

about needing someone to take care of their baby.

You could ask about that.

No!

I want a different life!

And I want all of you to be different.

I don't want to change-- I like how I am--

but I want everything else to change!

Excuse me from the "table."

Why don't I feel anything?

Dare I check the expiration dates?

- We've been waiting for you, Chantal.

Take a seat.

Who are you?

- You tell us.

Oh, my God.

Are you the most famous dead authors in the world?

- all: We are.

We are.

Should we go around the table

and introduce ourselves?

Let's let Chantal do it.

Oh, that's a good idea.

F. Scott Fitzgerald.

William Shakespeare.

Mr. James Baldwin.

Mark Twain! Hi.

Oh, Virginia Woolf.

Mm, Sylvia Plath.

Maya Angelou.

You're, like, my biggest inspiration.

Same.

And wait.

Are you R. L. Stine?

That's right.

I thought you were alive.

- Now there's something we need you to do for us,

Chantal.

What is it?

You need to write a book.

- You need to tell the world about your mean family,

about your jerk sister.

She can't act like that and expect you

not to write a book about her.

- But I don't know how to write a book like that.

I only know how to write poems really well.

- Oh, well, we know that. We love your poetry.

It's all we read now.

- I've burned everything that isn't your poetry,

even the things I need.

- That's why we're here. We can help you.

- Let us speak through you, Chantal.

You're the vessel.

I am?

- Do the world a beautiful favor