Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

This man is worth $500,

and this man's going to collect.

He's Jake Cahill,

and he lives by...

Bounty Law.

You don't ever bring them in alive, do you, Jake?

Not when there's three of them and one of me.

What are you looking at, bounty killer?

I'm looking at an ugly owl-hoot about to get his jaw busted.

Amateurs try and take men in alive.

- Amateurs usually don't make it. - Whether you're dead or alive,

you're just a dollar sign to Jake Cahill on Bounty Law.

Thursdays at 8: 30, only on NBC.

Hello, everybody.

This is Allen Kincade on the set of the exciting hit NBC and Screen Gems television series Bounty Law.

Now, if you think you're seeing double, don't adjust your television sets

because, well, in a way, you are.

To my right is Bounty Law series lead and Jake Cahill himself, Rick Dalton.

And to my left is Rick's stunt double, Cliff Booth.

Welcome, gentlemen, and thanks for taking the time to visit with us.

Well, it's our pleasure, Allen.

So, Rick, explain to the audience exactly what it is a stunt double does.

Well...

actors are required to do a lot of dangerous stuff.

Say Jake Cahill gets shot off his horse.

Now, can I fall off a horse?

Yes, I can, and, yes, I have.

But say I fall off wrong and I sprain my wrist or I twist my ankle.

Now, that can put an undue burden on production because now maybe I can't work for a week.

So Cliff here is meant to help carry the load.

Is that how you'd describe your job, Cliff?

What, carrying his load? Yeah, that's about right.

Join me next week on the set of The Dick Van Dyke Show,

where I'll be talking to those comical cutups, Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie.

Till then, this is Allen Kincade signing off from Hollywood.

I missed you.

- The black one. And the flowers. - Flowers, Ava, flowers.

- And there's the small one. - Can I see your tickets?

Oh, good boy.

Gina, Gina, Gina.

The face in the misty light.

- Hello, Mr Schwarz. - Hello, Gina.

I... I have a meeting with a very handsome cowboy man.

He's waiting for you in the bar.

Well...

since I just finished watching a Rick Dalton fucking film festival,

I think I know who you are. Put it there.

Well, it's my pleasure, Mr Schwartz.

- And thank you for taking an interest. - Schwarz, not Schwartz.

Goddamn it to hell. I'm sorry about that.

- It's my pleasure, Mr Schwarz. - Call me Marvin.

Marvin, call me Rick.

- Rick? - Yeah.

- Oh, is that your son? - My son?

No, that's my stunt double, Cliff Booth.

- Yeah. - Good to meet you.

We've worked together since the last two seasons of Bounty Law.

- Yeah? - My car's in the shop, so he gave me a ride.

That's a big fucking lie.

Rick got his driver's licence taken away for too many drunk-driving tickets.

- Cliff drives him everywhere now. - Oh, fuck.

- Well, sounds like a good friend. - I try.

I wanna send you greetings from my wife, Mary Alice Schwarz.

Oh, well, that's nice.

Thanks a lot.

We had a Rick Dalton double feature in our screening room last night.

Oh, well, that's both flattering and embarrassing.

What'd you see?

Thirty-five mm prints of Tanner and The Fourteen Fists of McCluskey.

I hope the Rick Dalton double feature

wasn't too painful for you and the-- And the missus.

Oh, no. "Painful." Stop. What are you saying?

Mary Alice loves Westerns. Our whole courtship, we watched Westerns.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

And we thoroughly enjoyed Tanner.

- Oh, that's nice. - It's really good. And anyway, she goes to bed.

I open up a box of Ha van as.

I light up, I pour myself a cognac and I watch...

The Fourteen Fists of McCluskey.

What a picture.

- What a picture. - Good picture, yeah.

That is so much fun.

All the shooting.

- I love that stuff. You know, the killing. - A lot of killing. Lot of killing, yeah.

Now, gentlemen, the plan is, we reverse our forces

und drive the Allies back into the sea!

- Genius. - Panzer divisions come in,

and we drive them here to the ocean.

They'll be up against the wall.

- They will have nowhere to go. - Yes.

This is the spot...

Hermann!

Open the curtains.

Anybody order fried sauerkraut?!

Burn, you Nazi bastards!

That's you operating the flamethrower, isn't it?

Oh, you bet your sweet ass it was. Yeah, yeah.

- It was you? - Yeah. And let me tell you,

that's one shit-fuck crazy weapon you do not wanna be on the wrong side of.

Boy, oh, boy.

You know, I practised with that dragon

three hours a day for two weeks.

Not just because I wanted to look good in the picture, but because I was--

I was shit-scared of the damn thing, to be honest.

Mike fucking Lewis!

Crisping them Nazis to hell!

Oh, shit, that's...

All right, that's too hot. Anything we can do about that heat?

- Rick, it's a flamethrower. - Yeah.

So I came to the office early today,

and I watched two episodes of Bounty Law on 16 mm.

Jody Janice,

wanted for cattle rustling in the state of Wyoming, $425 dead or alive.

And you brought him here to collect.

I don't even know where here is.

It was just the closest place.

Caught up with him about five miles outside of town.

So, bounty killer,

the name of this town is Janicetown.

And that boy you killed...

was Jody Janice.

He was the baby boy of Major Nathin Maxwell Janice.

Who's Major Nathin Maxwell Janice?

Well, I'll be sure and introduce you

when he gets here.

Bounty Law.

Starring Rick Dalton.

Then a couple of the jokers over in archival sent over a kinescope of a little treat featuring you.

There's an old piano

And they play it hot Behind the green door

Don't know what they're doing

But they laugh a lot Behind the green door

Wish they'd let me in

So I can find out What's behind the green door

So you've been doing guest shots

on episodic TV shows the last couple of years?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm doing a pilot for CBS right now.

It's called-- It's called Lancer. I play the heavy.

Did a Ron Ely Tarzan.

I did a Land of the Giants. Green Hornet.

I did that show...

Bingo Martin with that kid Scott Brown. Yeah.

And I got a F.B.I. that airs this Sunday.

You... You always play the bad guy on these shows?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

So, and they have a fight scene at the end of them?

Well, not-- Not-- Not Land of the Giants or F.B.I.,

- but the rest, yeah. Yeah. - And you lose in the fight?

Yeah. Yeah, of course. I'm-- I'm the heavy.

Oh, that's an old trick pulled by the networks.

Now, you take Bingo Martin, for example. Right?

So you got a new guy like Scott Brown.

You wanna build up his bona fides, right?

So you hire a guy from a cancelled show to play the heavy.

Then at the end of the show, when they fight,

it's hero besting heavy.

But what the audience sees

is Bingo Martin whipping Jake Cahill's ass.

You see?

Then next week, it's Ron Ely.

And next week, it's Bob Conrad,

wearing his tight pants, kicking your ass.

Yeah.

In another couple of years, playing punching bag to every swinging dick new to the network,

that's gonna have a psychological effect on how the audience perceives you.

Right.

So, Rick,

who's gonna kick the shit out of you next week?

Mannix? The Man from U.N.C.L.E.?

The Girl from U.N.C.L.E.?

How about Batman and Robin?

Down goes you.

Down goes your career as a leading man.

Or do you go to Rome and star in Westerns

and win fucking fights?

Ticket, señor?

- All right, what's the matter, partner? - Well...

it's official, old buddy.

- I'm a has-been. - What are you talking about?

- What did that guy tell you? - He told me the goddamn truth, is what he told me.

- Oh, shit. - Hey.

- I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry about that. - Here. Put these on.

- Don't cry in front of the Mexicans. - Son of a bitch.

Now, what's got you so upset, man?

If coming face-to-face with the failure that is your career ain't worth crying about,

- then I don't know what the fuck is. - Right. That guy in there turn you down?

No. He wants to help me get into Italian movies.

- Then what's the problem? - I gotta do Italian goddamn movies!

- That's the fucking problem! - Come on.

Fucking bullshit! It doesn't matter whether I cry in public.

Nobody remembers who the fuck I am anyway, huh?

...at the Hall of Justice in town. The defence will try to prove the killing

- of Kennedy was the product of a sick mind. - Fuck!

- Thank you. Hey, let's go. - Take me home, Cliff.

Come on, take me home.

...as early as next Wednesday.

More than 1000 Communists dead are reported in new, large-scale fighting in South Vietnam.

U.S. losses are said to be...

That's swell, man.

Fucking hippie motherfuckers.