Santa Clarita Diet

I've been here 17 hours. I have to get home.

- Me too, man. - No, but I really do.

Are you saying my situation isn't also urgent?

No, Ron. I'm sure you have to get to your apartment

before the asparagus people come back.

They're not asparagus people, Joel. They pronounce it "oz-para-gauze."

And they are certainly not people.

If they were, I wouldn't have to seal my ears with peanut butter at night

just to keep them from infiltrating my brain.

They're so intrusive.

And their music...

I'm thinking this isn't your first time here.

I've been captured before. Why?

Have you ever found a way out?

Why should I help you when you don't even treat me like a human being?

Okay. I'm sorry, Ron.

I shouldn't have belittled your conflict with the oz-para-gauze.

- "Oz-para-gauze." - I said "oz-para-gauze."

We both know you didn't.

Let's not talk for a minute.

It's just my wife is going through this thing,

and I have to get her this very specific medicine

because she's getting worse.

What's going on with your wife?

Unless you don't want to talk about it because those creatures you mocked

with your lazy pronunciation might be listening.

Actually, you may be the only person I can talk to about it.

Code Gray, Psychiatry. Code Gray, Psychiatry.

She's undead.

Really?

How is that going?

Honestly? Mixed.

She has an intensity I love,

but having to find human flesh for her to eat...

- that's been hard. - I can imagine.

We're realtors, so killing people

and stuffing them into freezers doesn't come naturally.

That must be exhausting.

Now, she's getting more aggressive. Who knows what she might do?

I can't be here anymore.

I'm sorry, Joel, but there's just no way out.

And if you try, they will just keep you here longer.

Hello, gentlemen.

- Are you ready for group? - Doctor, I need to go home.

- We both need to get out of here now, man. - But I really do.

- Me, too. - Ron! My thing is separate.

Joel, you're on a 72-hour hold.

We can't let you go until you're no longer a danger to yourself or anyone else.

- Shall we, gentlemen? - Wi...

- Will there be juice? - One box per person, Ron. Same as always.

- Can I have yours? - Then I wouldn't get one.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Okay, bye.

The soonest we could get a Serbian exchange student is six months.

In six months, your mom may be just a rotting, indiscriminate killing machine.

But probably not.

We don't know. It's all good.

Are you sure it has to be Serbian bile to make the serum?

Yeah, it's in the book. Since the first outbreak was in Serbia,

they're the only ones who have built up immunity.

I feel like I'm blowing this!

Abby, we're trying. What about that job message board?

- Did you post on that? - Yeah, a few hours ago.

- Here. - "Are you Serbian?"

Do you want to make a $130 just for throwing up? You know you do.

"Send copy of birth certificate. No dick pics, please."

Yeah, I had to add that 'cause, apparently, it wasn't obvious?

But, honestly, it just made people more creative.

- There's that noise. Do you hear that? - I think it's coming from the basement.

Mom?

Yes, honey?

Everything all right?

Yep. All good.

Are you making that noise?

What noise?

- Maybe we should check on her. - I really don't want to do that.

She's chained up.

I will bet every time someone has said that about the undead,

it has never ended well.

Okay.

Mom? What are you up to?

Oh, just book reading. Any news from your dad?

No, not since last night when he called from the hospital, so...

Holy shit! Are you chewing the post?

Okay, here's the deal.

Mommy's going a little crazy down here, so I need to get out.

And I know you're worried I'm gonna go out there and kill somebody,

but think about all the people I haven't killed.

Literally, everyone in the world,

- except three people. - Hey, Abby?

- You should come look at this! - Yeah, okay.

Look, I'm sorry, but you put me in charge, and I'm not letting you out.

And stop chewing the post. It holds up the whole fucking house.

We got a hit on the job posting. There's a Serbian gentleman in Newhall

willing to vomit.

Of course he's in Newhall. Text me his address.

- Tell him I'm on my way. - Wait. I'll go with you.

- Is the rest of the serum done? - Not quite.

My mom is eating the house like a giant, manipulative termite,

so you need to keep working on the cure.

- I have pepper spray. - You know, it's not a cure.

It will only stop her symptoms from progressing.

And there's no way she can get out of those chains, right?

Oh, what am I doing? Nobody asks that and lives.

Joel, why don't you tell us why you're here?

I got upset and trashed someone's house.

But being here and reflecting on my actions,

which were wrong and I'm sorry and will never happen again,

has made me feel like I'm ready to rejoin society

and interact with my fellow citizens from all walks of life,

be they women, men,

questioning, different races, tall or small, thin or large.

They all contribute to the fabric of this great country.

Thank you.

Felt like you got a little off at the end there.

- Yeah, I fucked that up. - Ron, tell us why you've come back to us.

Well... I am being harassed by the interdimensional beings again.

But something happened last week. Tell us about that.

My wife died.

Oh, my God. Ron, I didn't know.

She'd been sick and wasn't getting any better.

I had her at home and had just finished making her breakfast.

She didn't want it.

She just smiled at me...

and said, "Everything's going to be okay, sweetie."

And then she closed her eyes.

She was here... with her beautiful smile.

And then she was gone forever.

I can't imagine. I lost my wife for ten seconds,

and in those seconds, I wanted to die with her.

Why do they tease us with such tiny amounts of juice?

- Who wins this game? - Here.

- Thank you. - Yeah, yeah.

They let me go downstairs to the morgue yesterday

to see her one last time.

The morgue. I've been to that morgue.

She didn't look the same.

That must have been so hard.

Did you happen to notice if any of the bodies had Serbian-sounding names?

They usually end in the letters "I-C" or the syllable "vich."

Abby?

Oh, shit. She's not here, Mrs. Hammond!

Oh? You wanna go in the yard and have a game of catch?

I can't unchain you.

- Where did Abby go? - Just out.

Can you come down here for a minute?

No, thank you!

Eric, come down here.

I'm so, unable to say "no" to authority.

The teenager stupidly went below the house.

Great job.

You displayed genuine compassion with Ron.

That shows me you're not a danger to yourself or anyone else,

- so I'm going to release you. - Really?

Whatever your problem is, we're not going to fix it in another 48 hours.

We don't fix anyone.

We just put Band-aids on people and toss them back,

alone, into a cold, cripplingly indifferent society.

Totally. So, I'm gonna get my shoelaces and run down to the basement.

Are you okay?

The only time I talk to someone healthy is when they're saying goodbye.

Well... bye.

- So, where's Abby? - She went to get bile.

Oh, really? From who?

Some man we found online.

A man you found online? And you let her go alone?

- She took pepper spray. - Alright man. You gotta let me outta here.

- I need to make sure she's okay. - I'm not supposed...

Eric, she's 16. Come on, you can come with me.

I'll even wear handcuffs.

I don't have handcuffs.

My bedroom, bottom drawer. Don't touch anything else.

- Go. - Wait, really? You have handcuffs?

We recently discovered how intense sex is if your lover orgasms while you...

- How much of this do you wanna hear? - Less than that.

All right. Get these chains off and let's find her.

Okay, it's an apartment on Mountain View. It's near the mall.

Of course, in Santa Clarita, everything's near a mall, right?

So many shopping opportunities. I talk when I'm nervous.

Hang on.

Uh-uh.

- Huh. - Mm.

Sorry, honey. I only wear these in a sexual context.

- Oh, God. What are you gonna do? - We're gonna go find my daughter.

Will you help me pop these back in?

- Don't pass out. - Okay.

No, seriously, don't pass out.

Shit.

Oh, hello. Are you here for the Tori Amos tickets?

No, your throw-up.

Oh. You weren't what I was expecting.

Where are my manners? I'm Goran. Please, entrez.

No, that's okay. I'll just take it and go.

I don't have it yet. I figured you'd want to watch me do it.

No, no, you figured me wrong.

Strange. I've never fingered somebody wrong before.

I said "fingered."

- Goodbye. - No! Wait! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

My sense of humor can be a real jerk sometimes. Please, come in.

I shall retire to another room at once

to produce the precious nectar of my stomach.