American Housewife

Here you go.

Your favorite PJs are ready

- for your first sleepover! - What?

I told you I never want to go on a sleepover.

Which is why I'm telling you at the last second!

I didn't want to hear you complain all week.

What if they make me sleep next to an outlet

and I roll over and my pinky goes in and I get electrocuted?

Then you're crying, "Why? Why did I make my baby go?"

You are going.

You are too old to keep dodging sleepovers.

"She was so little!"

- Still reading exams? - Yep,

I have to get through these 50 essays this weekend.

It's exciting to see how students do under pressure.

Some struggle, but others soar!

That's probably because you're such a great teacher,

mentor and father.

Whatever it is, I agree with Mom.

Please, Daddy!

Mama wants me to go to a sleepover!

Anna-Kat, that's not true.

I am forcing you to go to a sleepover.

You know Oliver only cares about himself,

so if you alienate me,

all you'll be left with is Taylor to take care of you.

Not smart, Mama.

Hi!

Ugh, trade.

Ah, ooh.

Hey, Violet.

Oh.

What happened to your hair?

I can't afford to be blonde anymore.

Pretty soon I'll be buying second-hand clothes

from garage sales like... this.

- Ugh. - I'll have you know

I won this at Dave & Buster's.

700 tickets.

You know, I love Violet so much, but being a mom is so hard.

Why didn't anyone warn me?

You can hear me screaming at my kids from your house

ten times a day. Isn't that warning enough?

Can I help you find something?

You know it's just me over there

in that giant house all by myself.

I can't afford a nanny,

Pilates is too expensive

so now I'm breastfeeding to lose weight.

I ballooned up to a size four.

Katie, your screaming pillow.

Excuse me.

See, you have Greg to help you

with everything, especially the kids.

Who's got the sweetest nosey

on your face-face?

- You do! - And on the plus side,

his baby talk doubles as birth control.

Viv, I know you're a little broke,

but you can't steal groceries from my house.

Hilarious, I love it!

I don't know, Katie.

I just... feel like I can't do this alone anymore.

Do you guys think that you could watch Violet for me tonight?

We'd love to!

Why are we watching the baby tonight?

I am headed to Mario's down by the train station

where all the divorced investment bankers go after work.

I think I can snag one

if I get there before all the tramps take the good seats.

- What are the good seats? - Ooh.

The barstools at the end.

That way I can do this...

...without hitting anybody.

Are those my earrings?

These are so nice!

- Can I borrow them? - No.

I wore them to a business dinner but saved the receipt.

- I'm returning them. - No wonder I like them more

than the rest of your trash... Treasures!

Off now.

They're expensive

and if I don't return them by tomorrow

then I will be stuck with a store credit

that expires the day before I find it

in a drawer with the extension cords.

Ugh, news again.

That's it. I'm deleting this app.

No.

No no no no no no!

Bad dog! Luthor, sit!

Now Luthor, reverse swallow.

Reverse swallow!

Okay, practice run.

When the mom says to go to sleep,

you take your sleeping bag and put it next to the bathroom

just in case you want to wash your hands a few times.

Yeah, Mama, if you want me to get covered

in sewer water when a pipe bursts.

- That is not gonna... - Mama, I dunno.

This is all happening so fast, Mama.

You don't have to keep saying "Mama."

I know who you're talking to.

If you have any problems, call us.

No matter how late.

Even if you just want to talk.

A word, Greg?

As the years go on, coming into this room alone with you

has become more scary than sexy.

Why are you coddling her?

She needs a push right now, not a hug.

She's nervous. She's our baby...

She is turning 10!

And this is our opportunity to help her grow up a little.

I need this.

I am getting "Mama" 'd to death in there.

What's your hurry to make her grow up?

- She's our last one. - Exactly.

We're on the verge of getting our lives back.

Not if we take action.

Let's have another baby.

Can you get my screaming pillow?

I'm sad our kids are getting big.

I miss reading them books,

they reach for your hand,

I miss the way they mispronounce words.

Taylor still does it, but it's not cute.

- It's more worrisome. - Mm-hmm.

Playing with Viv's baby today

made me want to start all over again.

Well then I wish you and your second wife the very best.

I can't go to the sleepover, Mama.

I think I'm getting my period.

- No, you're not. - I'm telling you.

I can feel my uterine wall loosening.

Stop Googling stuff and go pack your bag!

Can I ask you a favor?

- I need... - Not my problem.

This is serious.

Then it's seriously not my problem.

That's good stuff.

I turned around and Luthor ate Mom's expensive earrings.

You're in so much trouble.

I read online it can take a dog a month

to pass something like this.

But I need them by tomorrow.

- What do I do? - Oh, I know.

Leave me out of it.

I am on fire.

You're always calling me the dumb one.

So I'm dumb. Help me!

All right, all right, I'll help you.

Don't forget to wear gloves.

Three for three!

Viv, did you steal my car keys so I'd come over?

No.

Yes.

But, hey,

would you just stay and talk to me for, like,

ten minutes about anything adult?

Look, just pick a topic.

Is this my magazine?

Did you take this from my bathroom?

I left my phone in the bedroom

and had to read the shampoo bottle like an animal!

- Hi, Viv. - Alan?!

How the hell did you get in here?

I opened the door with the light of my soul.

And my key... I still have my key, and it works.

This isn't your home anymore, Alan.

You and Viv are divorced. She kicked you out a year ago.

I know, and I deserved that.

And in that time, I've been in an ashram in India.

I've been meditating.

I've been finding myself, reading other people's auras.

Yours, by the way, is very cloudy.

That's not good.

You might want to have that looked at.

What do you want, Alan?

Listen, Viv, I wasn't the greatest husband.

But I want us to have a fresh start.

And I realize you are the most important thing,

and if you take me back this time,

I will give you everything you deserve...

champagne, travel...

I will teach you to levitate.

Did you see that? It's very subtle.

I really would like to believe that you've changed.

Let me show you that I've changed.

If you take me back, I'll make sure your energy is pure

and your sandals are Prada.

Nice try, Alan, but Viv doesn't need you anymore.

She is a strong, independent woman...

- Um, actually... - No, Viv.

- Um, actually, again. - Viv!

- Katie. - You do not need a man

to make you happy.

Viv, it's just us this time... you and me.

A-All my children are in prep school,

so there'll be no kids to come between us.