Throw Momma from the Train

The night was...

The night was...

The night...

Phantom of the novel,

coming to haunt the pages of Larry Donner.

What the hell am | doing?

Hello, Ope. Remember me, Professor Blank?

We're back.

I'm sure you all know the name Margaret Donner.

No!

Ladies and gentlemen,

The author of the best-selling novel Hot Fire.

Author of the best-selling novel?

You must be very proud of yourself.

The woman stole my book and put her name on it!

Just you, you facing you in that mirror,

do you say, "Margaret, you did it"?

Yes, | do.

Slut! She's a slut!

Look at her! Slut!

- Hey, man, your wife's on TV. - Ex-wife, Lester, ex-wife.

- She looks good. - Criminals don't age.

It's a common fact... criminals and Dick Clark.

- What the hell do you want? - I'm trying to expand my wardrobe.

| need something for a gig. You got anything in green?

You borrowed all my green.

It is a lot more difficult for women to get themselves published...

How about women thieves, Oprah? Big difference.

| would say that once | was divorced,

blissfully divorced, a freedom overcame me,

and | was allowed to be the writer, the artist,

| was never allowed to be

within the confines of my prison-like marriage.

Did you think about writing when you were with this beast?

| did because he fancied himself

as sort of a hack writer.

| watched him at the typewriter and thought,

"Oh, God, | can do that in spades,"

and did, clearly.

How do you think he will feel now about your success?

Frankly, | don't really care how he feels.

Well.

So she stole your book.

Write another one and forget about it.

| am writing.

- Oh, you're writing? - Yes, | am.

"The night was"... The night was what?

| just started.

Man, you've been on "the night was" since July.

It takes place in the Yukon.

| understand you're living in Hawaii now.

Yes, | am. | adore a tropical climate.

Look at those earrings, man! It's your money.

How it was that you, Margaret Donner,

produced such a brilliant piece of writing

in just your first time out?

Well, Oprah, | mean, it's the story of my life.

It's my life, Margaret, and | want it back!

Hot Fire, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so much, Margaret Donner, for being on the show.

| want it back!

Owen!

What?

Get me a soda with some ice in it!

Owen, hurry up!

Chop-chop, Owen. Come on.

All right!

- You were writing a letter. - No, Momma!

You were writing to tell them to take me away!

You want them to take me away!

I'm writing a story for class, Momma!

| don't want them to take you away.

- Yes, you do. - Owen loves his momma.

Owen loves his momma.

Hurry up with that soda!

- Coming, Momma. - Coming, Momma.

I'm choking to death, you moron.

You're too damn slow.

I'm sorry, Momma.

I'm sorry, Momma!

Why didn't you get me the salted nuts?

The salted ones are no good for you.

The unsalted ones make me choke!

Momma!

You clumsy poop! What did you do that for?

Come on. Move it, lard ass!

Pick up every piece.

" ‘Div el"

“Divel' yelled the captain through the thing."

"So the man who makes it dive"

“pressed a button or something, and it dove,"

"and the enemy was foiled again."

“Looks like we foiled them again,' said Dave."

“Yeah,' said the captain."

"We foiled those bastards again, didn't we, Dave?™

"Yeah,' said Dave."

"The end."

Okay.

Here we have all the elements of drama.

We have the tension, the horror of war.

Mrs. Hazeltine, when you're writing a novel

that takes place on a submarine,

it's not a bad idea to know the name of the instrument

that the captain speaks through.

| used to know that.

And your similes need a little bit of work.

"His guts oozed nice, like a melted malted."

Well, it's a little...

Too harsh?

A tad.

Otherwise, it was very good.

It was very real.

Here's another one.

This is a real classic by Mr. Pinsky.

It's entitled 100 Girls I'd Like To Pork.

Pork?

It's a coffee table book.

100 Girls I'd Like To...

Okay.

"Chapter 1, Kathleen Turner."

"Chapter 2, Cybill Shepherd."

"Chapter 3, Suzanne Pleshette."

"Chapter 4, the girl in the taco commercials."

"Chapter 5, the woman in 4-B."

"Chapter 6, the Oriental Laker girl."

"Chapter 7..."

Mr. Pinsky, this is not literature.

Well, | would put in photographs,

a brief character sketch, like a biography,

and a nice dust jacket.

Mr. Pinsky, what is this?

It's literature. It's a fantasy... my fantasy.

Like Melville, this is my great white whale.

It's whacking material.

Isn't that literature?

Mr. Pinsky, how do you associate Moby-Dick

to a list of women you'd like to have sex with?

| think it's very brave.

| think he's vulgar.

That's what they said about Twain.

That's what I'm saying about him.

| think you're vulgar.

| think you're a no-talent little shit.

Maybe | should change the title.

| like the title.

I'll see you Wednesday, class. Good work today.

Remember, a writer writes... always.

- This is your tie. - God!

You dropped it.

Oh. How did that get in there?

It got wet. | was afraid it would be ruined.

Thanks.

- Hi. I'm Owen. - | know.

Why didn't you read my story in class?

Your story?

Yeah, you know. Murder At My Friend Harry's.

- Why didn't you read it? - | did.

You did? What did you think of it?

It's raining, Irwin. Can't we discuss this tomorrow?

Owen. Didn't you like it?

Well, no. No, | didn't.

Why not?

It was three pages long;

it was a murder mystery three pages long

that, by the way, was no big trick in finding the murderer.

What gave it away?

You only had two characters,

one of which was dead on page two.

One guy killed the other guy.

It wasn't motivated.

Sure, it was.

The guy in the hat killed the other guy in the hat.

| have to go now, Owen.

Thanks.

Hi, Beth. It's me.

It's 10:30, and | did it again.

I'm sorry. It's just that Margaret was on...

There | go again.

I'll, I'll... look, I'm sorry.

That's all. Bye.

So Margaret's a big star. That's life.

This is life, too. That goes on, this goes on.

The night was hot.

Wait, no.

The night, the night was... humid.

The night was humid. No. Wait.

No, hot. The night was hot.

The night was hot and wet, wet and hot.

The night was wet and hot; Hot and wet.

Wet and hot... that's humid. The night was humid.

Maybe the night isn't humid.

See, maybe the night isn't humid.

Maybe it was humid in the morning

and at night it was cold.

That gives you fog.

Ah, the night was foggy.

The night, the night was, the night was...

The night, the night was dry,

yet it was raining.

The, the, the streets were wet,