St. Vincent

So this Irish guy knocks on this lady's door and says,

you know, "Have you got any, uh... Any, uh...

work for me?"

And she says, "Um, well, you know,

as a matter of fact, you could paint the porch."

But two hours later, the guy comes back and says,

"I'm already finished, ma'am,

but just for your information, it's not a Porsche, it's a BMW."

OK, asshole.

Giddyap.

The female lemur is a better jumper

and more efficient forager than her male counterpart.

She has dominance over the male...

Oh, my God... feel this.

Baby's kicking. Feel.

Touch it. No, not my boob.

Here.

Sorry we woke you up.

It was him, this asshole.

- What's this? - I'm a little tight right now.

My shit is not layaway. I'm not JCPenney.

You know I'm good for it.

I don't make like before, Vin. Only a few freaks like the belly.

I have to save for maternity leave.

Hey, I like the belly, OK?

I'll see you next Tuesday.

Extra when you do, OK? Double.

This one here says the line is frozen.

Yes, with these reverse mortgages, you can only borrow a percentage

of the equity you have in the house. That's called the loan-to-value.

But now, since you've been getting monthly payments from us

for the last... eight years,

you've reached the cash-out limit.

That's that loan-to-value thing I just mentioned.

- The house is worth... - It was worth.

Whatever it was worth.

I need that money.

I'm sorry, Mr. MacKenna, but there's really nothing I can do.

- It is what it is. - "It is what it is"?

Everyone's saying that now. You know what it means?

"You're screwed, and you shall remain screwed."

I want to close this account.

I'm so sorry to hear that, sir. May I ask why?

Lady, you're just a spoke on a wheel,

trying to make a living like the rest of us schmucks.

I do not want to tell you to go fuck yourself, so let's...

I'm closing it, OK? Let's just leave it at that, please.

OK.

$112.14.

- All right, small bills. - No, sir.

You're overdrawn that much.

What does that mean?

You took out more money than you actually have in your account.

Here's zero. You went below zero.

So I... can't close this account?

You can.

Once you get it back to zero.

Hey, you taking care of yourself, Vin?

Yeah, blurry eyes.

I'm doing aerobics, can't you tell?

I'm doing the Jane Fonda workout.

A one, two, three, and stretch.

Janie's still looking good.

Roger, is there any chance you could ever make one of these

that's strong enough for someone that's not... your sister?

Why don't we give it a break for a minute.

- Give what a break? - The liquor.

You're not gonna serve me?

Don't be like that.

I'm watching out for you here.

You watching out for me?

You serve poison all day to all these people that don't know no better.

So they can die while they're living.

And you're watching out for me. You phony.

Oh, Blanche, these are my friends, Rose and Dorothy.

Come here.

Shut up!

People are sleeping!

Piss.

Hey! What's going on?

You habla English?

Yes, we speak English, señor.

Then what the hell are you doing here?

That's my tree you assholes hit.

And my fence.

And my damn car.

Do you speak English?

- Stay here. - Yes, sir.

I'm calling the cops.

- Is everybody OK? - What do you want?

- I'm Maggie. I'm your new neighbor. - So?

Well, we're moving in.

I can see that, yeah. Are these dip shits with you?

Yes, they're the men I hired from the moving company.

Oh, boy.

"Oh, boy"? No. "Oh, shit" is more like it.

This fence is 20 years old.

The car's 30.

The tree is older than I am.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm not sure what I'm...

This is not how I wanted to meet, either.

- Did you do this? - Of course they did it.

What are you, stupid? Look at the crime scene.

OK, you don't have to be rude to me! I'm just trying to move in here.

I hired these guys to do it. And accidents happen.

Well, the car is an antique, missy. I mean, it's worth a lot.

- Then I'll take care of it. - You?

You don't got no money.

What? I mean, no offense, but you just don't look like you do. OK?

And I'm sure Chico and the Man here are off the books.

No, I will sue the moving company.

You can buck up for the fence and the tree.

Fine.

Toodles.

Is that our new neighbor?

Yep.

It's gonna be a long life.

"'Well, ' said the tree,

straightening herself up as much as she could,

'An old stump is good for sitting and resting.

Come, boy, sit down. Sit down and rest.'

"And the boy did. And the tree was happy."

God, that's depressing.

No, it's not.

The tree was meant to give,

so to be able to give everything and have nothing left

is the best life the tree could ever have.

Well, your father must think I'm a tree.

- Why would he think that? - Nothing. Nothing.

It's good you think good things. Come on.

Get in there.

All right, big day tomorrow.

Yeah, I know, first day.

Yeah, for me, too.

And I can't be late, all right? It's just me and you now.

- I know. - Set your alarm

and make sure I don't oversleep. Good night.

All right. Here, I made you peanut butter and banana.

- Thanks, Mom. - OK.

Do you have your snack money in your pocket?

- And your keys? - Yep.

You got your phone? Map?

- Yep, on the phone. - OK, what time do you get out?

- 2:45. - All right, come straight home,

start your homework, and I'll be home a couple hours after that.

Wait, Ma, you're not gonna pick me up or anything?

I'm in the bus lane! I'm not gonna get another ticket, Oliver! Bye, be good!

OK, settle down!

Settle down! Settle down! Settle down! Settle down!

I know it's hard to contain yourselves when you're so, so young

and full of sugar juice,

but we must concentrate on our studies or we will what?

We will die dumb.

Yes, we will, and dumbness does not play well in Heaven.

This is Oliver.

Oliver is joining us midstream here at St. Patrick,

and we are very happy to have him, are we not?

Welcome to St. Patrick, Oliver.

Such genuine caring. Thank you.

I think you feel touched? Right? You feel touched by that?

Maybe as a thank you, you can lead us all in morning prayer.

I think... I think I'm Jewish.

OK.

Good to know.

Oliver thinks he's Jewish.

- So am I. - I'm Buddhist.

There is no God.

Yes. You get the idea.

We celebrate all the religions of the world in this room, Oliver.

I'm a Catholic, which is the best of all the religions, really,

because we have the most rules

and the best clothes,

but among us there is also a Buddhist, agnostic.

We have a Baptist, and we have an "I don't know,"

which seems to be the fastest growing religion in the world.

And now we have "I think I'm Jewish,"

which is a new one for the class, Oliver, so thanks for that,

but it does not preclude you from giving us a morning prayer.

Let us bow our heads and pray.

Dear...

God, et cetera.

Dear... Dear God... thank you?

- Amen. - Amen.

- Amen! Amen, thanks be to God. - Amen.

All right, stirring stuff.

Well done, Oliver. Go grab yourself a seat.

And everybody else dust off those textbooks

and go to chapter 12.

That's chapter 12, Catholic saints.

All right, I'm here.

I'm here. I'm ready. I'm able.

Let's get this. Come on.

Look at that, it's Ground Pepper sprinting ahead on the inside!

Come on, dig in.

Come on.

Come on!

One time!

One damn time!

You son of a bitch!

I don't know why you get so pissy, Vinny.