American Dad!

It's the beginning of a new season.

Could this season change things for you?

Could it be your season?

Yes, I believe it could...

Welp, I got laughed out of the library again.

What's wrong, my boy?

It's my soft-ass library card.

Nobody takes me seriously with this flimsy thing.

A relatable problem.

Naomi at the reference desk asked if I took it for a swim.

I tried countering with a Jacques Cousteau joke,

but I'll give you one guess how that went.

No. This must be laminated.

Why do we have to come help Steve

get his douchey liberty card laminated?

Li-brary.

Li-brary card.

We should be taking him to a speech therapist.

Hey, look,

there's a Langley Copy, Print, and Office Services.

Let's just go there.

Where laminating is at best third on the list,

lumped in with God knows what "services"?

No, we need to go where the job will be done right.

Little Colombia?

Nobody laminates like a Colombian.

You're about to see true masters practice their craft...

flat plastic without a bubble in sight.

I mean, some bubbles.

They're... They're not wizards.

But let me tell you, those edges never curl.

Well, over time, sure. Oh, we're here.

I had no idea there was a Colombian District in Langley.

Oh, it's a thriving community,

brimming with the sights, sounds,

and flavors of authenticity.

These bowls here are handmade in the town of Boyacá.

And, look. There's a festival today.

Fool's Day.

Something's always happening

here in the land of a thousand rhythms.

Dad, how do you know so much about Colombia?

Did you do a mission there or something?

No! I-I... read about it in a-a magazine.

- Cool. - Oh, oh, you need the name of the magazine?

To make it more believable to you?

I've already stopped thinking about it.

Fine.

Look, the truth is, I do know about Colombia,

for that country changed the very core of who I am.

It turned me from an arrogant, flashy razzle-dazzler

to the humble and hard-working agent that I am today.

- That sounds worse. - It's a cautionary tale I've never shared.

That's okay. We're really just focused

on finding a laminating guy.

But I think I may finally be ready.

The story of my time as a young agent in Colombia

starts right...

Aah!

It was the height of the drug war.

What about my library card?

As you know, I cut my teeth

in the Miami field office of the CIA.

Wait, Miami?

I thought you were talking about Colombia.

Miami is not Colombia.

I know that. Don't you think I know that?

There's a place between here and Colombia called Miami.

Here comes the drop.

Looks like they're trolling for some blow-fish.

Cargo is onboard.

We'll monitor the delivery, and then...

Fly in on a Jet Ski-i-i-i-i-i!

Smith, this isn't our mission.

Save your mission for the nuns,

'cause I'm a stone-cold sinner.

Screw it. Let's nail these creeps.

We got them.

C-I-Ya-a-a-a-y!

We did the job with style,

but never lost sight of the mission.

That was all you today, Smith.

I love your passion, man.

I love it and I love it and I love your fashion.

It's like I say, man...

I like doing good and looking even better.

And we never did the drugs.

_

While we no doubt kicked ass yesterday,

the objective was to track the smugglers into Miami

and figure out their distribution process,

not launch a surprise Jet Ski attack.

I wasn't surprised.

- Bull's-eye! - Whoo-hoo!

Uh, settle down, boys.

Now, this is a map of Downtown Miami.

Sorry. I don't settle down.

I get down.

We know where El Narco is.

And by now, he knows we mean business.

I say we waltz into his compound,

and I'll straight-up tell El Narco,

"No blow north of Mexico."

- Whoo! Yes. - Whoo-hoo!

I guess Smith's action-movie ideas

haven't gotten us killed yet, right?

Let's do it.

And so I was on my way to Colombia to confront El Narco.

I would need a translator.

But more than that, I would need some

extra-pleated baby-blue slacks to slide over

my extra-extra bikini-cut Calvin Klein underwears.

Because when you look good, you find good translators.

...after which I translated

Chomsky's "Syntactic Structures,"

and received the Leonard Bloomfield Award.

Yeah, but how many chicks have you slept with?

Smith, he's clearly qualified.

Qualified to make us look like a bunch of ass-butts.

Look at his suit. We can't be seen in public with this guy.

- Next. - Aloha!

Oh, yeah, that was before we really knew each other.

Yes. So sorry, Roger.

This is a story that doesn't include you.

Wow, so you've never put it together that... You know what?

I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the story.

I'll say it again. Aloha!

Someone called for a laminator?

Actually, a translator.

Close enough. I'll take it. Aah!

Geez, I thought there was an elk in the room for a sec.

That's a lot of brown you got on, man.

Kind of rumpled, too.

Much better.

Who is this?

Hi. Stan Smith. CIA.

Enrique Ruiz. A Colombian man.

I like the way your hand feels in this handshake.

Wish I could say the same.

Whoa! Looks and attitude?

Do you even speak Spanish?

Uh, does this answer your question?

Oh, mama. This guy can salsa.

He's actually dancing what's known as bachata.

Now, this is a translator.

No one could deny Enrique's "it" factor.

The job was his.

And it was a risky mission,

but just the kind I lived for.

Hola, boychiks.

The name's Stan Smith, and I'm here to talk to El Narco.

Stahn Smeeeeth.

Hey, remind me. When we're done with this mission,

I want to know what "la cucaracha" means.

Whoa, El Narco's got a rhino.

It's not even an albino rhino.

What's wrong with this guy? All this money,

and he's not even shoving it in everybody's face.

Yeah, this is tasteful. Show me gaudy.

I know. Where's the night club, right?

- I bet he doesn't even have one. - Doesn't have a night club.

Probably doesn't even enjoy soft kisses.

I feel like I'm at college, and I've just met my best friend.

Wait. What's your favorite movie?

- Porn. - I've seen that.

- My favorite part is when... - When the guy's like...

Yes! I'm here for El Narco.

Tell him Stan Smith is here and El Dumbass's time is up.

Translate, my dude.

- And I do a little of this. - Yeah.

- And that. - Spell it out for them.

- And a spin move, and... - That's word-for-word, bitches.

I'm El Narco.

Holy crap. The translator was El Narco?

Yeah. Total betrayal.

He was sitting in his throne, flipping me off

- with his big, gray finger. - Gray?

Yeah, he was a pretty weird-looking dude.

And to make matters worse...

This was a setup.

You intercept one shipment in Miami

and think you can take down my entire kingdom? Ha!

Don't laugh yet 'cause my team is surrounding the compound

and ready to kick it into high gear... now.

We're all dead.

Dude, you asked me to help you plan this.

Kill him.

Uh, daring escape.

Smoke bomb.

Why doesn't he spit it out?

This guy makes me laugh.

Now, fool, go back to America

and spread the fame of El Narco.

Oh, and one more thing.

Of course I have a night club.

An albino rhino.

Oh, it was so hard not to tell you in the car.

It was so hard.

I wanted to tell you so bad,

but I was like, "Err, yeah,