Murphy Brown

Hello, and welcome to "Avery Brown's America."

This morning, we are coming at you live

from the historic Anchor Bar in Buffalo, New York,

actual birthplace of the Buffalo chicken wings.

People come to the Anchor for the famous food,

but they stay for the conversation,

the subject of which today

is the very controversial Ed Shannon.

Take a look.

- _ - Let the bleeding-heart

- _ - libtards call you racist.

Let 'em call you nativists.

Wear it as a badge of honor,

because this is our country,

and we are taking it back!

Shannon's about to release a new book entitd

"American Carnage."

In it, he describes the U.S. as a country in free fall

with trade deals sucking away our jobs

and cities falling into decay,

overrun by "crimmigrants."

But is this really our America?

With me today, I have John Dwyer, a plumber...

Dwyer Drains, available eight days a week, 25 hours a day.

And Dorothy Johnson,

a teacher at Buffalo All Saints Elementary School.

Go, Bills!

So, guys, what are your thoughts on Ed Shannon

and his views of the country?

I like him. He's not a phony like those other D.C. types

and the low I.Q. Democrats,

fake media like that Murphy Brown,

who I believe you are related to.

Let's try to stay on point.

Dorothy?

Shannon didn't go to Washington to drain the swamp.

He is the swamp.

That's why he wears three shirts at a time...

To hide his swamp scales.

He wears them to soak up all the sweat from hard work,

something you and the other elites

wouldn't know anything about.

Oh, come on, John.

You live in a 3,000-square-foot house with a grotto.

That I built with my own two hands!

Next time, build a bookshelf and put a book on it!

I'm a plumber!

Shannon's a know-nothing jerk like you, Dwyer!

You "fixed" my sewer, and the next morning,

my basement was as full of crap as you are!

Yeah! He's a slime ball, and so are you, Dwyer.

Well, obviously, Shannon brings up

some pretty strong opinions here in Buffalo.

We're gonna take a quick break. This is "Avery Brown's America."

Yeah!

And Avery Brown wins the gold.

Aah! Aah!

Why are you turning those on,

for God's sakes?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought it would be nice just for one morning

to not feel like I had

to spelunk my way to the kitchen.

Fine.

Enjoy your soul-sucking lights.

You know, we have completely different ways

of preparing for our morning shows.

I get up, and I run for two and a half miles,

and you complain

for two and a half hours.

That's why I need my own place,

although I do appreciate you letting me crash here.

Oh, oh, hold it. You're not crashing here.

This is your home. Plus, you're the only one

who knows how to use the universal remote.

Who's gonna record all my "Hoarders" episodes?

I am a grown man with my own TV show

living with my mother.

If I don't call it "crashing,"

it starts to sound pathetic.

Well, at least wait and see how your show does.

I mean, you just started with The Wolf Network.

You're on in a very tough time slot.

I mean, you're up against...

well, me.

Well, you might want to check the ratings today

because you're starting to be up against,

well, me.

Good morning, Murphy.

I know what will cheer you up.

I whipped up a batch of banana nut muffins.

Want one?

It's 4:00 in the morning.

You've already baked?

Yes, I did.

I'm lying.

I'm just as exhausted as you are!

I bought them at a gas station and put them

in a basket I found next to the pump.

Good morning, team!

Look at you all, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

I brought a special visitor.

Hi, Diana, and...

man.

Thought I'd check in, see how the magic happens.

It's easy for management to lose touch with talent.

We've missed your executive warmth.

Murphy, what a kidder.

I'm here because the network's just received

an amazing opportunity...

The chance for a ratings bonanza.

Don't tell me.

Paul Ryan's finally taken a stand on something?

Geoffrey, latte.

Ed Shannon is publishing a new book,

and he's singled you out to do his very first interview.

It's an exclusive and a major coup.

I want to schedule it for this week.

Ed Shannon, Satan's sidekick?

Why me? What did I do?

You're the legendary Murphy Brown.

He wants to step in the ring

with someone who boxes in his weight class,

and he knows the two of you

will have a battle for the ages,

like David Frost and Richard Nixon.

Or William F. Buckley and Gore Vidal.

Latte return.

We can't have him on!

He's a racist!

And I'm already carrying a lot of guilt about that.

Back home in Louisiana,

my great-great-grandpa's tombstone reads,

"Here lies Homer Sherwood.

He loved the cross..."

"especially when it was on fire."

Shannon's views are not the point.

Landing him for an exclusive could help us stand out

in a very competitive, 24/7 news cycle.

We need Ed Shannon.

Did someone say Ed Shannon?

He's a Nazi.

Think about something else, Frank.

We are not considering having that slime bucket on.

Why? To do one of those normalizing pieces?

"Nazis, they're just like us."

I mean, we... Oh, hi, Diana.

Listen, I, uh, think this segment

is worth considering.

Shannon may be out of the White House,

but he's still a big newsmaker.

Suck up.

We could run Shannon's Twitter feed on the big board.

It's extreme, and you should see the ones he's deleted.

People think they're gone forever, but they're not.

I know where to find them. That's right.

I'm kind of known as the, uh, Tweet Raider.

It's like "Tomb Raider" but with tweets.

I don't know who you are, but I like what I'm hearing.

How long have you been with the show?

Uh, about four weeks now.

Come up to my office later.

I want to talk about your future.

I discovered Geoffrey here in the mail room.

Now look at him. Latte.

Look, Diana, this is a big decision.

I'm going to need some time to think about it.

Of course. You are my crown jewel.

I will back up whatever choice you make

for a new show in a highly competitive time slot

that's vulnerable at any moment to cancelation

because I have that kind of power,

but don't let that influence

your decision.

Geoffrey, follow.

It's not life or death, buddy.

It's lunch. Make a decision or move along.

What are you, a cop?

As a matter of fact,

I spent more than 20 years

in one of the toughest divisions of the NYPD.

Parking enforcement.

So, like a meter maid.

No.

Like parking enforcement!

I better feed my meter.

Look, I know you disagree,

but I really think we should have Shannon on.

He deserves to be taken apart,

and no one would do it like you would.

That's just gonna allow that jerk to sell more books.

I can see your point, Frank, but...

I can see Miles' point, too.

Murphy would cut Shannon down to size,

just like she did with Jeff Sessions.

He used to be six feet.

Now he sleeps in an acorn.

Guys, you've got to check this out.

Shannon tweeted during our show.

"Let's see if Murphy Brown has the stones