W.M.D.

What about the mess hall retard?

Her name is Tanakoff.

The less she knows the better.

All we need her for is access to the kitchen then she is cut lose.

I don't know man. This whole plan just seems kind of fucked.

Look we only get one shot at this.

One time. That is it. Just one chance.

It just seems halfassed you know. I just I don't think it's gonna work.

What the fuck isn't halfassed to you private?

It's the dyke.

Tartakoff. He's got a thing for the dyke.

Is this true Riggs? You have a thing for Retardakoff?

She ain't a dyke.

Admit it. She wants your cock in her orifices.

Fuck you man! Fuck you!

Riggs! Is that it?

She is not a combat solider alright. I do not feel right using her like we are doing.

Yeah were all being used solider. Her no more than any of us.

Now I need to know are you in or out?

Are you in? Or are you out?

Alright. Im in.

Yeah motherfucker! Alright!

Quit it man! Quit it!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop!

Don't move a muscle. Fucking trip mine.

Oh shit.

Sergeant check your feet.

I'm fine. It's not me.

Shit.

You are on a motherfucking landmine.

Looks like Riggs won't be joining us unless we need an amputee or something.

Hey, fuck you man! If you hadn't pushed me I wouldn't be on this thing!

Riggs! Riggs! Easy okay?

My face is a little too fucking close to this so I'm kind of attached to it.

Let me have this. Thank you.

Okay.

Okay, when this detonator springs we have about a half a second to bat it off.

Like baseball. Fun.

Yeah. Only we get one swing and one pitch. That's it.

Uh, that does not sound like too good of an idea sir.

- Anybody play baseball? - Sir that does not sound like a good idea.

I am pretty good at Wii.

Oh yeah? Who the fuck are you? Johnny Damon?

No way man. His long hair made him look like a gay lumberjack.

Who does not look gay to you?

- Dude it's just my gaydar. - Do you have a problem...

-...with homosexuals being in the Army? - Not at all man!

Hey guys! Get me the fuck off this mine!

No, I know. I'm working on it.

Jesus Christ.

Okay. So um...

On three jump off.

Whoa hang on hang on. What am I doing?

You're the jump off pan.

Maybe I should I will pull him off.

- I will pull him this way. - I don't know if--

- No, I don't think that's gonna-- - No I've done it before. It's okay.

No, let him jerk you off. He'll get off on it.

Come on I will give you a little momentum. Pull you off. come on.

Alrighty on the count of three you wanna count?

Yeah, maybe you should count to three.

But you have to ask yourself is this where you wanna fucking die?

I'm not gonna count.

He cant count to three. Come on. You count.

- No I'm swinging. - Count of three. Your count.

Im not gonna count.

- Let me count it out. - You count to three.

- Okay, I will count. come on. - On three. It's on three.

So it's one two and then go. Right? One two go.

Ready? Okay. One two three!

That was kind of anticlimactic.

Mr. President. They're ready for you.

Alright. Be right there.

I'll say hi to my wife back home in Atlanta GA.

I miss you babe. I'll be back there really soon.

Twenty three years and I'm sticking around.

They'll have to drag me out kicking and screaming boys.

The President is going to come out here and we are going to be enjoying

Thanksgiving turkey with him.

I'm so nervous. I've always wanted to meet him.

Ready for some turkey?

Absolutely Mr. President.

I'm looking forward to the stuffing myself.

I hear there's a special ingredient.

Good evening solider.

Mr. President sir.

Mm hmm. At ease.

Thank you sir.

Tenhut!

At ease everyone. Smoke em if you got em.

How we doing here? Happy Thanksgiving.

Smith good to see ya.

Nothing like having Thanksgiving in 96 degree weather huh?

Smoke that turkey all by it itself.

Good to meet you. How are you? How are you?

Little sunflower seeds before the turkey?

Jones how are you? You're the boy the boy from Texas huh?

It'is an honor Mr. President. Yes sir.

- You wanna take a picture? - Sure!

While I'm still will good looking? Uh-huh.

Thank you.

- Let's take care of that ight now. - There you go.

Get my good side. That's basically everything.

- There we go! - That's it right there.

- Very nice. Nicely done. - Thanks. I will email you.

- Yeah keep your day job alright? - Good to see ya.

- Captain. - Mr. President.

How are you?

Captain Garrison nice to see you.

Is this the culprit right here? Is this the American stuffing or is this local?

Beautiful turkey.

Beautiful beautiful turkey. This'll be my first turkey of the year

and I will have seven or eight more by the time I get home.

I know that we have uh much to be thankful for this evening.

What Im must thankful for is that um Im nut a turkey.

In all seriousness I know uh you are along way from home.

I know that many of you wish you were with your family and friends

back in the U.S. but you have made a sacrifice tn he hare

and help fight for democracy and peace for citizens throughout the world.

We have made everybody safer--

You have made everybody safer by removing a dangerous regime and America

will continue to fight extremism and spread

freedom to other oppressed areas.

So tonight I'd like to thank you for putting on the uniform and showing all of us

what honor courage and freedom is all about.

Now I know you didn't come here to listen to me ramble all night long so uh...

Who wants turkey?

Turkey! Turkey! Turkey!

Turkey! Turkey! Turkey!

Turkey! Turkey! Turkey!

Turkey! Turkey! Turkey!

As I understand it this is 100% pure American turkey.

The best in the world. Can I get a hooah?

Hooah!

- And another! - Hooah!

- One more! - Hooah!

I think you are hungry. Knife and fork is ready.

I'm lefthanded. Everybody back up.

Get this started.

Here we go. There it is.

Mission accomplished sir.

For starters...

Stay back! Stay back! Stay back! Drop your weapons!

I will kill him! Drop your weapons!

I will put a bullet in his fucking head! I am not afraid to die!

Have a fucking happy Thanksgiving cocksucker!

Happy motherfucking Thanksgiving! I will kill him!

Come on up! Up! Stay back!

Go around the back!

Downey! Sergeant!

Down down down!

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

Move! Move!

Where the fuck is Riggs?

Put him over there!

Whats happening? My leg!

I've been shot!

It's Riggs! Don't shoot!

Damnit Riggs!

Sorry. It's crazy out there sir.

Holy shit.

Move! Move! Move! Back away from the door now!

Go! Go!

- Riggs! - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Open this fucking door right now!

I'm shot! Somebody shot me!

This is ate the fuck up man.

Will someone tell me whats going on? Goddammit!

Downey kill that horrible music!

Sergeant secure the area!

What's she doing here? What the fuck are you doing here?

I'm sorry I just didn't know where to go.

Are you brain dead Tartakoff? We told you to stay away from the kitchen!

Can somebody tell me whats going on?

Should I waste her sir?

No! Hey!

Stand down sergeant! No one's getting wasted, not yet!

Hey! I am your commander in chief!

I demand to know what the fuck is going on!

Riggs! Chair!

Relax! Relax!

Mr. President, you are being held prisoner.

By who?

Really?

By us dumb-ass!

This is an outrage.

Let me go now!

- Hold this! Neck! Balls! - What is this?

That's duct tape sir.

Do you have any idea what you've gotten yourself into?

Yes sir.

Yeah, then you understand the gravity of your actions.

Do you see this uniform, sir?

Yes I do!

Those of us that wear it face death every day prepared to die at any moment.

The question is are you?

Are you sir prepared to die at any moment?

Happy Thanksgiving! Gobble gobble gobble!

Riggs! You shoot anything that comes through that door!

Hey cheesedick!