Jack and Jill

And we were born on September 15...

1989.

And... And she's the older... Older twin.

I'm older by 10 minutes. She's... Ten minutes.

Cause she had an umbilical cord

wrapped around her neck.

And she, like, shoved me in there and wouldn't let me out.

I was, like, kicking her in,

shoving her more in my mom,

so that's why she came out, like, later. Yeah.

And... She came out the bigger twin, too.

Well, I came out a pound heavier than Kara,

so that's why I'm an inch taller now.

She's always been, like, a pound heavier.

No.

So, yeah, it's... You know,

I love being twins, man. It's, uh...

It's basically like you have a bag of spare parts.

Yeah. You know what I mean?

It's, like, I need a kidney down the road,

I know he's got one, so I'm always like,

"Hey, stay healthy, dude. Eat right."

When we were kids, we had our own secret language

that only me and my brother understood.

Ooh.

Eee.

Ooh.

I guess, when we were kids, we thought we were whales.

Like, when things are bad,

we don't really got to say anything to each other.

We just make these sounds. It's like...

So, I just graduated from Harvard,

and I'm starting a new job

at a law firm in Southern California,

so I'm really happy about that.

And I got a job at Hooters. I'm happy, too.

Hooters!

Being a twin is like being a married couple,

and you can't divorce her.

Even, like! I mean, I love her when we're together.

Well, actually, more so when we're distant.

She loves nature, like me.

She loves donating her time to charities.

And she loves eating healthy, so that's awesome.

She's my best friend.

My best friend is my boyfriend.

Pepto-Bismol, take 43.

And action!

Please, why do I have to have such diarrhea?

You need to drink the pink.

Hold it. Cut! Cut! Jack! What is he doing?

Jack, are you watching this'?

What do you mean, "Cut", man?

I... I got to be at Sesame Street by 1:00.

Hey, hey, hey, Reeg, do you really have diarrhea?

'Cause you lost weight or something.

Why does the stomach have all the good lines'?

Uh-huh.

"Drink the pink." That's funny.

I'm sorry, Jack.

The Dunkin' Donut people want to talk to us.

Okay, well, I got to

Regis, it's going to be fine.

Yeah, and you'll take care of that, and, uh...

Thank you very much. I didn't need that, but cool.

I got some bad news.

We may lose Dunkin' Donuts.

What do you mean "lose"? They didn't like our pitches?

They want Al Pacino.

Al Pacino to do a commercial? Mmm-hmm.

The Godfather Al Pacino?

They got this new coffee drink, the Dunkaccino.

Uh-huh.

Dunkaccino, Al Pacino, they sound alike.

Yes. Well, they think it'll be a home run.

Of course it would be a home run

if he would ever do it, which he won't.

Yeah, well, never say never.

Remember, you didn't think we could get Brad Pitt

to do that Radio Shack commercial.

I was right.

Well, you can't be right all the time.

Uh-huh. Look, bottom line,

they're going to give us one month to make this whole Pacino thing happen,

or they're going to go elsewhere.

We can't lose Dunkin' Donuts.

They're our biggest client.

Damn it.

We're going to go bankrupt, buddy.

And we have 200 employees relying on us.

Try to have a good Thanksgiving, okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you think? Would Al Pacino

ever do a Dunkin' Donuts commercial?

What?

Yeah.

Shut up.

Did my wife call? Uh, yeah.

You're all set for the cruise.

You guys leave a week after Hanukkah.

Okay, all right. There's some good news.

Yeah. She converted, right'? That's so cool.

She doesn't look Jewish at all.

Wow. That was anti-Semitic.

What? No, I just...

See, I can say that, you can't.

You're not Jewish.

No, but I'm close.

What... What does that mean?

I'm an atheist.

You're two for two right there. What? No...

Anyways, did my sister say

what time she's flying in tomorrow?

Yeah, I was supposed to pick her up at noon,

but she switched the flight to earlier,

so now she gets in at 4:00 in the morning.

Why?

Something about jet lag

She never listens. She gains three hours.

Every year, she acts like she's flying to New Zealand.

She's a freak, man.

Yeah, again, you can't say that.

No, I...

Honey... Yeah?

Try complimenting her.

Huh? Yeah. What?

To avoid fighting.

Just focus on something positive.

Tell Jill that she has nice shoes.

Nice shoes. That's good.

That'll work.

I love you, honey. I love you, too.

And I love my sister.

And I can keep my cool.

It's only four days.

I love my sister.

I love her shoes.

I love my sister. I love her shoes.

Well, I just...

I can't find him anywhere.

Does he know what terminal it is'?

I...

Okay, okay, I see him.

All right, I'm hanging up.

How are we doing?

Where were you?

I've been waiting forever for you.

This place is creeping me out.

Why so many bags? Are the Knicks traveling with you'?

What is with this? Mom always said,

"it's better to have it and not need it"

"than to need it and not have it."

Oh, yeah, she did say that.

I remember that. That was cool.

Are you going bald?

Huh? No, no, no, no.

You're getting fatter, and your hair doesn't realize

that it needs to cover more face.

Okay. Where'd you put the car?

You really had to bring your bird?

Yeah, she's my best friend.

Anyways, Jill, I was thinking... Yeah?

The house is going to be very crowded

'cause we got the kids, and all the guests

are coming by, and blah, blah, blah.

So, there's this new hotel,

a Hilton that they just built down...

But I want to spend time with Sofie and Gary.

Why, do you not want me to stay with you?

No, no, no, no. Of course I want you to stay with us.

I was just... I was just saying.

Okay, I'll stay with you, then.

It's too bad, 'cause the hotel was starting to sound fun.

Why are you doing that?

Why do you sigh so loud?

I just really, really love your shoes.

You are so weird.

Isn't he weird, Poopsie?

Where were you?

Poopsie gets it.

Yeah. Poopsie really gets it.

She always did get it.

I... It's just...

She always loved getting it.

And then your dad and I went to the soup kitchen,

and they gave us Otto

to bring to Thanksgiving dinner this year.

Thanks again for having me. It's very nice.

Are you going to eat dinner with us tonight'?

Yes, he is, honey.

And what about tomorrow night'?

Tomorrow, Otto's going to go back home...

Less.

Sorry.

Uh, Sofia, show Otto your karate moves.

You know, why don't... Why don't you go wake up Jill?

What? It's 5:30.