Modern Father's Diary (Deníček moderního fotra)

Welcome to my world.

A world of suffering and pain.

I want to see lots of lovely pictures in the papers.

-I'd like to ask… -Not now. We're taking pictures. Later.

You there. Did you get a photo?

I hope so. We invest more in ads than we do in toy development.

Hand me the pony, please.

So, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce

our new multifunction project, Chuckles the Pony.

Okay? Don't look at me. It wasn't my idea. I didn't come up with it.

But kids love it. It works. I think we're first place in that.

But we are a bit behind in punctuality.

Oh, well. That's what happens when you employ artists.

Allow me to introduce the project's creator,

our promising toy designer, Miss Nataša Bílková.

Go ahead. Present it quickly, so we're done by lunch.

I based this on the fact that laughter is what calms children the most.

But when a child is crying, parents are in no mood for laughter.

So that's where our pony comes in.

I've put all the details in our press release.

-Miss? -Yes?

I'm sorry, but some details are missing from your press release.

-Oh. What do you need to know? -Well, there's a new rule.

If we quote someone in an article,

then we have to include basic information about them,

such as their favorite restaurant and phone number.

So you're writing a book?

Well, kind of. I'm in the preparatory phase.

-What does that look like? -It's taking shape in my mind.

-So not just a book but a best seller. -Exactly.

-About love. -That can be there too.

If it's not, then I won't read it, and it won't be a best seller.

The thing is, I haven't had much time for writing lately.

-I've been reporting. -On my world-class toys.

But I'm quitting and going to England to study creative writing.

Really?

For how long?

One year.

Around here, a reporter is always coming across distractions.

Well, if all your distractions end up like this,

-then you've got one hard life. -Exactly.

How can a guy make literary history when all he does is prowl?

I'm so sorry. I should be going then, so I don't distract you from your work.

I think you're right. You'd better go.

You can't have me. Sorry.

It's for the benefit of mankind.

I'll have a cry at home, but that's life.

Now, girls. No going for shots with the first guy you see.

And now I'm off to England to study creative writing.

You know, a guy faces so many distractions around here.

You mean like me?

Hi.

Hey!

-Your sister? -No.

-Cousin? -No.

-Aunt? -No.

Niece twice removed?

Nope.

Be smart. Use contraception.

Idiot.

Womanizer.

Leaves his job for some half-baked novel.

Now just imagine if he knocked you up.

Well, well.

-Hello? -Hey, you probably won't remember me…

Hi. Of course I remember you.

You're just minding your own business

when a girl from whom you expected nothing more than one nice night

pees on a plastic stick, and that's that.

You're going to be a dad.

Great feeling, isn't it? So uplifting.

-Hi. -So…

Come in.

Do we agree that I'm keeping the child?

That puts us in an awkward situation.

You did this to me, and you're not planning to have a future with me.

If you don't want a baby, then I'll manage on my own,

but I've got nowhere to live.

But I thought you lived with your parents.

And don't you want to call Igor?

Maybe he'd take you back even with a baby.

I can arrange it with the hospital. Just one call, and the problem's over.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

No. I mean, yes, but it's only temporary.

I broke up with my boyfriend and had nowhere else to go.

But I have no intention of raising a child in my parents' house.

I know how you feel.

I'm going to be a granny.

A little goalie on the way. That's a nice power play.

What do you mean you don't really know each other?

And when is the wedding? There will be a wedding, right?

I guess after they get to know each other.

I'll stick it out with my parents until I find a place.

You've got seven months. Then you start paying child support.

Hang on, hang on.

I've quit my job and applied to study in England,

so my budget isn't really set up to pay child support.

All I can responsibly provide is this accommodation.

-And when are you leaving? -Like now.

Now?

Yeah, now.

-And can it be postponed? -Hypothetically.

What's in my belly isn't hypothetical.

I could apply for next year, hypothetically.

You're an irresponsible, promiscuous guy with no money for child support,

and you are the father of my child.

-That's how it is. -Then you'll postpone it and find a job!

Right.

-And how is it with your job? -My boss put my feet to the fire.

If I'm not back in a month after the birth, then I lose my job.

Listen.

I believe in equality between men and women.

And I think the parent who brings home less money

should be the one who stays home with the baby.

You've got a great job. You like it.

I want to write a novel, and if I'm home with a baby,

then I'll have the time.

Are you serious?

One year.

Imagine, in one year, the product of our mutual…

Sex.

Sex.

In a year, we can put him in a nursery,

you'll still have your job, and I can go to England.

I think, in our situation, that's the best possible solution.

Okay, but no playing house.

-It will be purely rational… -Cohabitation.

…space sharing in order to ensure the basic needs of a minor.

So, one year?

-Then you leave him with me and go. -To England.

-And you'll pay. -You bet.

Fine.

Well, at least you'll get rid of the good-for-nothing.

Have you really thought this over?

Caring for a child is not as easy as they say.

Hold this.

Give me that. You can't even care for an animal.

How do you want to take care of a child?

I'll feed it, rock it, clean its butt,

and the main thing is, I'll finally have time to write.

Maybe it was meant to be.

I'll write my novel.

It's a master plan.

Now for some celery?

But of course.

A year will pass quickly. Then I'll hand the kid over and go.

-To England. -To England.

Great.

There's a lot of fun in store for me.

We're giving birth!

Hello.

Hello. We're in labor.

How frequent are your contractions?

Every three or four minutes.

I know you normally give earrings for a baby, but…

Here's Mr. Panda.

Meanwhile, I'll just wait here and regret my actions.

Where have you been for so long?

I was at another birth. For training.

I'm going to kill you.

How's it looking?

I've signed all the forms,

so hopefully they'll let me give birth now.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Don't worry. It won't be long now.

Don't worry. It won't be long now.

You're brave.

So, Daddy, come and cut the umbilical cord.

Should I?

Mother, what name shall I write?

Čeněk.

Well, buddy,

you've got a lot to look forward to.

Welcome to hell.

365 DAYS LEFT

1ST NIGHT

Čeněk had a little lamb

Čeněk had a little lamb Whose fleece was white as snow

You have my admiration.

I refuse to bounce on a ball like that.

I won't sing either.

The postnatal period is a dreamy time for every mother.

A time when she can bond with her child,

and full of femininity and promise for the future,

she is surrounded by love, turtledoves, puppies, and unicorns.

But for the father, the postnatal period is a time of woe,

desperation, panic, dark thoughts,

stomach and other ulcers, as well as sleep disorders.

And this was all just a teaser for what was to come.

God help us.

Or rather, me.

Cloth diapers, clothes, onesies, and sweatpants.

Take them from the upper left side, understand?

WEEK 7 - 320 MORE DAYS

Breast milk. Defrost it, heat it to 37 degrees Celsius.

Feed him at 9:00, 12:00, 3:00, et cetera. Every three hours until I'm back.

If he gets hungry before then, give him 60 milliliters.

How can I tell if he's hungry?

He'll start crying.

Oh, okay. That makes sense. Kids do that.