Good Dick

* Well, I got into my car *

* I try to take a drive *

* But the thought of you weighed on me *

* And the traffic killed my high *

* So I got out of my car *

* And I bid it farewell *

* Now I'm tearing through the 16 *

* Like a bat out of hell *

* The night is coming *

* Boys, put on your suits *

* My armor It is stunning *

* Yes, I got big boots *

* I keep my boots on *

* I keep 'em on all night long *

* I keep my big boots on *

* Ain't nobody gonna tell me it's wrong *

* I keep my boots on *

* I keep 'em on all night long *

* I keep my big boots on *

* Ain't nobody gonna tell me it's wrong *

* I walked across the mountains *

* With my heels in the mud **

Hi.

Just these? Yeah.

Uh, can I make a suggestion?

I thought this looked like it had amazing potential too,

but it is actually really, really bad.

It's, like, two definitely underage European girls...

hitchhiking through the most unattractive shots of Germany.

Greasy fat guys, like, basically raping them.

I mean, it-it is-- it's a turn-off.

We should probably move it to a different section, like "Bad."

Um--

Do you want to pick out something else?

No, thanks.

Are you sure? We're open till midnight. Just these.

Just these three then?

Okay. Will you, um--

Yeah.

He's gonna--

How you doing?

Great.

Okay.

We'll get that.

Two seconds.

Due back Friday before midnight.

Dude, you can't talk to the porn customers...

the same way you talk to the ones who are renting Truffaut for the 12th time.

That was an incredibly odd exchange.

Thanks, dude. I think it's cool.

Now we know she's not mute.

We're in a new period of time.

McDonald's on every corner in Poland. Right, dude?

Yeah.

We think we're free because we get to choose between a latte and a mocha at Starbucks.

That's not freedom, man. It's a bad situation. Bad situation.

History is cyclical though. It's all gonna come back around.

Bullshit! We're all fucked!

You guys been watching Charlie Rose? We are changing what it means to be human.

Come on. We've always been changing what it means to be human.

The pendulum has to swing all the way to the extreme before it's gonna swing back again.

"Pendulum?" What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm talking about the end of the world.

Good night. Later, dude.

Hello? Uh, delivery.

What?

U.P.S.

One moment.

Hi.

Don't I know you from the video store? I was there yesterday.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, maybe we could-- Oh!

Uh, just get a coffee or something?

Just as friends or film buffs?

Can we rent all these? Can we rent all three of these?

Please. Yeah, please, we love Alain Delon!

Sure. When are they due back?

What?

How long can we rent them? Yeah.

Uh, Wednesday before midnight.

Hey, it's me.

I have a friend in the building.

I just wanted to let you know, 'cause yesterday--

Uh, any-- anyway, I, uh-- I have a present for you.

It's really a great one. Okay.

I'd still like to take you out.

We could go to the, um, Museum of Jurassic Technology. Do you know about that place?

I'm really great at picking out films for people.

It's-- It's a gift I have,

if you can even call this a film.

This is from the video store?

Oh, yeah. Yes, it is.

But you know, no charge or--

I'll return it with the others tomorrow. Cool.

When you know me, there aren't any late fees, so--

I hope you enjoy it.

Hi. Yes?

What did you think? Um--

Can I come in? No.

Can I come in for a second? No!

My... great aunt had to go to the hospital.

What?

She's the one who lives in the building.

I guess I'm looking after her place now.

But did you wanna get some breakfast or something? No.

Don't ask me again. It's a waste of time to keep asking me.

I'm sorry about your aunt. I hope she's okay.

So that's a black mamba-- first deadliest snake in the entire world.

Hey, here she comes.

Hey!

I don't know what the second deadliest-- You said Taipan?

Go away!

No, please! Something's happened!

Go away. I'll call our super!

No, please! I need your help! She died!

She's dead. Please, can I come in?

I don't have anyone. I'm all alone.

She died. I don't have anyone!

Oh, fuck. What is that thing for?

It's in case you fucking try anything.

Um, can I open some windows? I just feel like I can't breathe.

Talk.

I was gonna talk... about my great aunt.

Talk then.

Well, um--

You have a really nice apartment.

Which apartment did she live in?

Uh, uh, is this trash?

Yeah.

I'm gonna, uh-- I'm gonna throw it away, okay?

Okay.

You wanna know something my great aunt said tonight?

What?

She said, um,

"Knowledge is when you learn something new every day.

Wisdom is when you let something go every day."

Emerson said that.

You know that quote? Yeah.

She didn't come up with that one on the spot tonight. Sorry.

Well, anyway, she knew the quote.

I knew your aunt. I'd see her at the mailbox downstairs.

She always said hello to me.

Um--

It's okay to watch erotica.

And I say that as a lifelong Catholic.

Catholics are pervs. Not me.

Well, you're not a priest.

You're right. I am not a priest.

No one really gets fucked in the films you rent.

There's no penetration.

And I also understand the allure of the old battered V.H.S.'s.

They're like antiques. I don't wanna talk about it.

Yeah. Okay, neither do I.

I think you just call it...

that place between your collarbones.

Is it the sternum?

Yeah, maybe.

Anyway,

I gotta go to bed.

I'm really sorry about your aunt.

Um,

could I maybe sleep on your couch tonight?

Um--

Hey, why are you late?

You know it's Simon's day off?

I have never been late before.

I know. I thought you were dead.

Sorry. I am so sorry.

Your "mamoosh" called.

Oh, fuck! That's right. It's Wednesday! Yeah.

Oh! She had a bit...

of an emotional outburst when you missed your phone date.

You've never been late before.

She started screaming at me in Polish.

I had to smoke this to relax.

I'm sorry, man.

That'll be her. Every 10 minutes for a solid two hours.

She's scaring Derek.

She's messed up, Simon. You don't know that, dude.

No, I know. She is. You think so?

She just doesn't love me. And me having this whole wealth of love for her doesn't help.

I've been thinking about the great writers lately.

How many of them were really in love-- in love for decades?

None of 'em. Shut up, Derek.

How many were in love with just some girl they were fucking at the time...

who didn't even love them back...

in this lonely, torturous existence?

An empty fucking cave.

Have you found her clit, Simon?

What? You know where her clit is, right?

I think so. So you don't know.

Yeah, I know. So, where is it?

It's-- It's-- It's where everything-- Where?

It's where all the stuff-- It's the thing that looks like the flux capacitor.

Oh, my God!

Stop looking at me like that, Eric. I thought you knew, man.

This accounts for 90% of your problems with this chick. I swear.

You don't know what it is, do you?

It's an anatomical part of the female... vagina.

Shut the fuck up, Derek. Do you know what it is?