South Park

People, it's time we faced some hard truths.

The town is looking to us for answers,

and all we keep doing is burying our heads.

We need to cut the budget for this year's Christmas pageant.

My God.

I've asked the director of the holiday show to stop by

so we can all give him the news.

He's not going to take this well.

If he doesn't, we should just let him go.

God knows it's about time.

Hey, a lot of people like him, all right?

Yeah, and lot of people think he stinks.

Let's just get this over with.

All right, send him in.

Howwwwdy ho!

You wanted to see me?

Better hurry.

We only have two months before Christmas!

Mr. Hankey, we called you in to let you know that

your Christmas-pageant funding has been cut.

By half.

What?

But I can barely make a good Christmas show with what I have!

We just don't have the support for the Christmas show

that we used to.

The truth is, some people find you offensive.

Offensive? What about me is offensive?

Some people think that shit

isn't the best representation of Christmas.

You... You people can't do this.

Christmas is the most magical time of the year.

The decision has already been made.

Thank you, Mr. Hankey, and good luck with the show.

Okay, stop.

Kids, the song's called "Deck the Halls,"

not "Let's All Suck Balls."

Now, come on, kids.

Why do we have to do this now?

Yeah, It's not even Halloween yet.

Restoration Hardware put up their Christmas decorations

two weeks ago, all right?!

Now, listen, I didn't want this, either.

I wanted the Denver Symphony.

But they cut my budget, and I'm stuck with you.

Now, let's take it from the top!

Vice Principal Strong Woman?

Yes, PC Principal?

I was seeing if there's anything

you might want to discuss with me.

What would we need to discuss?

I am so sorry that I took advantage of my position

and manipulated you into a physical encounter.

Hey, I am a strong woman, all right?

I don't get manipulated.

We both are guilty

of an ill-advised relationship at the workplace,

but that was long ago,

and I have decided to move forward.

Are you sure we can move forward?

Why not? We make a mistake, we move forward.

I was just thinking there might still possibly be some fallout from...

Nope. We're just gonna forget about it

and put it to rest.

You don't think there's anything else

to dis... to discuss?

No, I don't. Bye-bye.

Dude. Kyle. Dude.

Dude. What?

Did you read what Mr. Hankey tweeted last night?

What Mr. Hankey tweeted?

Yeah, I guess after band rehearsals,

he went on Twitter to talk about us.

Look.

Oh. Jesus Christ, dude.

Mr. Hankey?

Oh, Kyle!

Howwwwwdy ho!

Mr. Hankey, everyone's really mad at you.

Were you on Twitter last night?

Yeeeahhhh.

Did you tweet, "The kids of South Park

are retarded homos who can't play music"?

Eeeeeyeeaaahhhhh.

Why would you tweet that?!

All the kids are really pissed off!

It was a bad attempt at a joke. I'm sorry.

Will you please tell the kids I didn't mean it?

What do you want me to say?

The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night,

so I took some Ambien.

You ever take that stuff?

It turns your brains into oatmeal.

Please, Kyle, tell the kids I didn't mean any harm.

We've gotta focus on Christmas!

All right, everyone, listen up.

The vice principal has asked to speak with you today.

She believes it is time that we all as a school

finally discussed in vitro fertilization.

That's right, kids.

Many women today make the choice to have children

without a man in their lives.

They can have their eggs fertilized

by an unknown person's sperm in a lab.

That's right, Strong Woman.

In today's society, it is wrong to just assume

that a pregnant woman had intercourse with a man.

St-Students at this school need to be careful,

because it can be offensive

to asks questions like "Who's the father?"

You... You all right, Strong Woman?

I'm fine.

So... So, we'd like to have all our students

talk to their parents tonight

about in vitro fertilization, and after that,

let's just put the whole issue behind us.

That's my water breaking.

Not a big deal.

Hankey!

We need to talk about what you tweeted!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I took Ambien two nights ago,

and I called the schoolkids homos.

No, I'm talking about what you tweeted last night.

"The city council members

are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists."

Oh. Oh, geez. Did I say that?

Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep,

do not take Ambien.

Okay? Whew!

I'm afraid we have no other option but to fire you

as executive planning manager of the city council.

Fire me?

No, no, no, please. I'm really sorry.

No, wait! Wait!

Please give me another chance.

Don't do this! What about Christmas?

It's okay. We'll be at the hospital soon.

Just keep breathing.

I didn't need your help.

I'm just a co-worker helping another co-worker in need.

Yeah, well, people might get the wrong idea!

I have worked my whole life

to be the strongest woman possible...

A person little girls could look up to.

If those girls thought that I was the type

to get knocked up by my boss...

I certainly do not want to put any pressures on you as a female,

but at times I wonder if there is more we should discuss.

There's nothing to discuss!

I made a mistake, and I am moving forward!

My civil rights are under attack.

They can't just fire me from the Christmas show!

The whole thing is my creation!

Uh, last night, you tweeted,

"The city council can suck my Mexican dick."

It was a joke.

Look at me! I don't even have a dick!

Get it?

Okay, okay, look, I know... It wasn't a good joke.

But it really wasn't my fault.

The fact is, I went home last night, and I was angry.

I couldn't sleep, so I took some Ambien.

And then I started tweeting.

Ambien messes with my head. You ever take that crap?

You want us to take this up against Ambien?

They have the best lawyers in the world.

Well, I thought maybe I could get them

in a defecation lawsuit.

Argh.

And I never, ever would've said those things

about the city council,

but the Ambien makes me kind of black out.

I'm sorry, sir, but we don't represent pieces of shit.

Why not?

Argh.

And I just thought maybe we could

convince the city council to hire me back.

Look, I'm sorry, but I learned a long time ago

that if you defend poop, you get stained.

Mr. Hankey?

Oh. Kyle.

Howwwwdy ho.

What are you doing here?

Just trying to find some help.

There isn't a lawyer in town who will take me.

Wait a minute... You!

You're the son of a lawyer.

You have lawyer blood inside your veins!

You can help me with my defecation lawsuit, Kyle!

Me? What can I do?

Please, Kyle.

You're the only person left who can help me.

You and me, pal, we are gonna fight the system!

Paging Dr. Bender.

Your vice principal gave birth to all five babies

with no epidural.

I must say, she's a very strong woman.

That she is.

The quintuplets are all healthy and resting away.

There are her babies right there.