37 Teen

So, I hear that you've upgraded,

and now you have all the normal, regular features

that I have had for years.

Yep, we're nothing but windows of opportunity.

And although it may not be PC to say so,

I like to think that we've finally...

fixed all the bugs.

Gesundheit.

Excuse me. That's not a virus. That's not a virus.

I am sure that it's not a virus.

Although, to be fair, I have no idea

because I have never had a virus.

- So... - Why do you have to be

such a condescending douche bag?

Um, I--

I, I, I. It's "I" this and "I" that.

Boop.

Maybe it is time we stopped talking about "I" all the time,

and windows of opportunity.

Anybody else remember when people were smart

and phones were stupid?

This fall, Pi is gonna launch a new phone

that'll change things forever.

We're ready to bring you what you wanted

yesterday for tomorrow today.

Pi. Smart phones for smarter people.

Do you really want to say "douche bag" in the ad?

I don't say "douche bag."

The guy in the cheap suit says "douche bag."

Betty, any calls?

Bono wants to know if you're still good

for the trip to Africa.

Tell him I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

The Dalai Lama.

Are you still on for meditation this afternoon?

Advise him to still his mind. The answer lies within.

The president is asking,

can we move the meeting to the White House this weekend?

Yes, perfect. Mosquitoes at Camp David are a bitch.

Terrible.

Bill Gates sent an email

that simply reads, "Cheeky."

Fair enough.

Tell him I want my 20 bucks.

Sarah Russell called

about your 20-year high school reunion tonight.

Wait, wait, wait. Twenty-year what now?

Twenty-year reunion. This is great.

We'll show everyone we're not losers anymore.

Greg, we were never losers.

Yeah, we were.

But that doesn't matter now, right?

I get it.

Look, it's nothing to be nervous about.

It could be a lot of fun, you know?

Nervous? Why would I be nervous

about people we haven't seen in 20 years?

Guys?

No! No!

Do you want me to call and cancel?

Yes, please. Tell them I'm sick.

Come on, you used that one for the ten year.

Betty, what did Sarah want about the reunion?

Why was she calling?

I believe she wanted to let Adam know

that Darcie Williams was asking if he was going to be there.

Darcie Williams?

Yes, Darcie Williams.

I love her.

Where self-esteem,

innocence, and dreams go to die.

The insufferable purgatory of being too old to be a kid,

too young to be an adult.

The entire concept of placing all of those

going through their awkward, formative years of puberty

into one giant institution of self-doubt,

forced pseudo-social structure, and anxiety,

it's a cruel and unusual punishment.

Even worse, this bizarre ritual of needing to get together

every couple of years as a reminder

of these traumatizing times.

It's a blast from the past.

Borders on insanity.

When I was nine years old, I got really sick.

I spent six weeks in the hospital

and had my entire large intestine taken out.

It was one of the most traumatic events in my entire life.

And yet I've never felt the urge to get together

with the other nurses, patients, or doctors

and reminisce about the good old days.

I hated high school.

High school hated me.

In the immortal words of Mr. Stephen King,

"I hated high school.

I don't trust anyone who looks back on

the years of 14 to 18 with any enjoyment.

If you liked being a teenager,

there's definitely something wrong with you."

- Mr. Pi. - Hey, Happy.

Betty, I'm gonna render the graphics

for the latest beta version of the OS from the car.

Betty, isolate the signal and encrypt the data, please.

You know, this is the most revolutionary launch

- since the touchscreen. - Yeah, so let's protect it.

Okay.

What is it about these people that make me so nervous?

I'm tongue-tied already.

Just remember these key words-- "Let's party."

Come on, this is our night.

- Is that a new shirt? - Yeah, cool shirt, right?

Just think, we're gonna get to see Andy and Dennis again.

Yeah, and John Vernon, Trevor Jackson.

They've probably matured by now, right?

Excuse me, will you settle a bet for me and my friends?

Does this feel like boyfriend material to you?

- Ew. - Are you a lesbian?

Because I can just talk and we can scissor.

Back off, date rape.

Didn't you, like, date my mom 100 years ago or something?

I'm not that old.

No, seriously. You dated my mom.

Aren't you guys going to your reunion later tonight?

Darcie Williams?

Yeah.

She's my mom.

I'm 17, you pedophile.

She was showing me pictures of her class earlier,

from when you two were dating.

I think you might be wearing the exact same shirt.

My God.

Can we get some drinks over here?

We don't have to stay for the whole thing, right?

Come on, it's gonna be different this time.

We're all grown up.

Tonight is gonna be awesome.

- Hey, guys! - Andy, Dennis!

Nice.

So glad you guys are here.

Yeah, we weren't gonna come because, you know...

Everyone hated us.

But, who knows? Maybe it'll be fun.

So, what've you guys been up to?

I work a few nights a week at Game Land.

I test games on the weekends.

Sweet, programming, design?

No, no, no, I just test them, like, for fun, right?

At my house.

So, you don't have a job?

- I know, sweet, right? - Yeah.

Weren't you guys doing it like that in the 12th grade?

I guess we hit that jackpot early.

But you guys got your whole billionaire empire thing.

That's gotta be cool, though, too, yeah?

- Wanna bail and play Warcrack? - Absolutely.

No, guys.

Come on, gentlemen.

Tonight is gonna be epic, right?

Right?

Follow me.

- All right. - Whoo!

Ha!

Pfft.

Hi.

Steve Probyn.

Sarah's looking for ya.

She's on the stage and she looks pissed.

Go easy on that tonight, okay?

That's okay, my parents are driving me home.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello!

Hi.

For those of you who don't remember,

my name is Sarah Russell.

Welcome, class of 1997,

to our 20-year high school reunion.

- Just one second. - You suck!

Twenty years.

Twenty years.

We started high school in 1994,

the year that Kurt Cobain died and Justin Bieber was born.

Whoo!

We started high school before texting.

And not just before smartphones, before cell phones.

How crazy is that?

And speaking of cell phones and the Internet,

I'm sure you don't want to hear

from your runner-up valedictorian.

Not at all.

He needs no introduction.

Your... valedictorian,

Mr. Adam Pi.

Thanks, Sarah.

Hey, class.

I'm not really sure what to say.

Um, man,

could you imagine how amazing high school would be

if we knew then what we know now?

I knew I had a big hammer back then

and I still know it now.