Babysitters

Shirley Lyner. I'm a junior at Alfred E. Groves High School.

This is my babysitting service.

The answer is 'No'.

Mom doesn't drink.

Dad didn't hit me.

Uncle Steve never showed me his privates.

I don't even have an uncle Steve.

The money's nice, ...

and, paid fellatio isn't that much more humiliating than, flipping burgers.

But that's not why I do it.

Maybe we should back up.

If you're planning on attending college out of state,

the S.A.T.s are what you want to worry about.

Time allotted to complete the test is 3 hours and 45 minutes.

Hey, Brenda.

Brenda!

Brenda! I'm ignoring you ...

Your stepbrother keeps looking up here.

Dude, I think she's lookin' at you.

Do you think Nadine's ever tried to blow him?

It's not incest if he's a stepbrother.

What? Brenda knows her sister's a whore.

No one's feelings are hurt.

This is your future.

If you want it to be bright, study hard.

Everything you do now determines if you get into college.

What time is Mr. Beltran coming?

See my calculus book?

Maybe the basement?

Hmm.

Case almost wrapped up?

No. The guy's cousin is ... mmm.

He's here!

How ya been?

What's the matter with you?

Shirley, where do you live again? Southfield?

Oh. That's far, isn't it? - Yeah.

Ankle bracelet ... Oh goddamn it.

You know if Gail wrote her autobiography, you know what it would be called?

"Hurry up and wait for me! "

You want to come upstairs with me?

Shirley is here.

Oh, great!

He's mad, because I won't leave him alone.

Mom!

Mikey, what are you gonna to do if there's an emergency with Adam?

How're you going to get to the hospital? You gonna drive the car?

Wouldn't be the first time.

Exactly. Stop being a wise-ass. Alright, you be good, okay.

Mmmmwhaaa!

I'll see you in the morning.

Alright. Later guy. Alright?

Horse fuckers.

The emergency number is on the fridge. Right.

And the restaurant? Mm-mm.

Great.

Have fun. You, too.

Nice. 'kay, here we go.

Okay, good night. Please.

I'll tell you one thing though. If business keeps going the way it is,

I'm gonna open up two more restaurants next year.

Yeah, one on the east side and one down river.

Keep the camel jockies from coming up here.

Jerry, come on.

And we go corporate ...

We're gonna come to you for the VP spot.

Well, I don't know about that.

I mean, I..I..I don't think I could leave Rockland, just like that.

J..J..Jesus Christ. You're like a broken record, it's all it is ...

We have two kids, Jerry.

And so? Well we got a kid.

We got a kid. I'll get you the benefits and all that, eventually.

Yeah you, you have one kid, we have two educations to pay for.

Alright, so, what, they can grow up, and go to Michigan and be dead like Mike.

What's the problem?

When I was your age, I got beat in the head every ten minutes!

Why do you keep talking every time I'm trying to tell you a story?

You ask questions, then you keep talking and talking.

All these things. Every day of my life.

- Shirley. - HELP! Me hearts bleedin'!

You never listen to me! Now where was I?

I don't know, I think..., I thought the idea about the restaurant

was pretty cool, we should consider it. Think about it.

Vice president under Jerry? Yeah.

Anyway ... the day Jerry goes corporate is the day I join the circus, so ...

Gotta put it down, huh? Just had to put it down.

You got it great where you are, right?

Right?

Oh, hey, hey. See the old locomotive back there?

Come on. Come with me. Look at the old trains with me.

Where you goin'?

They got 'em all back there like broken toys.

The boys are waiting. No, they're not.

The boys are sleeping. Come on. Come on!

Do you think Mikey just goes to sleep at 9 o'clock?

You put a computer in his room.

You know wha..., you know what he's doing? He's online, buying heroin.

That's what he's doin'. That's what he...

It's a joke, it's a joke. It's not funny.

Nah, I know it's not funny, but everybody in the program gets to ...

Ok Michael, I don't want to fight. Okay? joke about it, but I can't.

Why don't you just say so, why don't'cha just ... If you're mad at me just say..., just say it.

It's late. Let's go, come on!

Call me an asshole. It'll make you feel better. I'm telling you, it's step 9. Go ahead ...

A'ight, forget it. Go in, go in, go in.

I'm an asshole. See, now I feel better.

I was just getting some spots ... off the floor?

Wow.

It's okay, don't worry about it, don't worry...

Are you gonna answer that? I'm sorry.

You didn't get anything to eat? I had a slice.

I can stop, you know. No, it's okay.

I'm, I'm fine. You know what, I need some coffee.

Well you know, I d..didn't want to send her home hungry.

Mmm-Hmmm.

You know what? Why don't you just turn the fan on,

I'll bet it'll make the smell go away. Okay?

Yeah, I'll be-be home in about an hour or so. Alright, bye. Okay.

You're not tired? No, I'm kind of a night owl.

Yeah, I thought at some point I would outgrow it, but ...

That makes two of us. Oh yeah?

You know, I guess I should pay you extra for cleaning my kitchen, huh?

What? What's wrong? Sometimes I do stupid things.

I don't know why. That makes two of us.

It's ... It's stupid.

Well, this is how it works.

That's good. See that? You see where I'm going with this?

No, not really.

Now that ... is bad.

Uh, that's bad, right.

As soon as one thing is out of place it throws everything else around it, out of whack.

There's like this ... Domino Effect, or chain reaction, you know?

Yeah.

Everything, and everyone, has its place. - Right.

You think I'm a freak. Oh yeah.

No, no, I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I'm kidding. - Order of fries!

I'm kidding.

So, um, how'd you meet your wife? What?

What? I mean 'Why'?

Oh man.

Okay. I met her just outside of, uh, Ann Arbor, there's this bridge ...

with, with a river underneath and train tracks on it, and uh...

It's pitch pitch black at night, that's where... I don't know why I'm telling you this.

Um, and that's where the kids go to get high. - Ahhh.

Ya know. And one night my friend Jerry takes me there.

The guy you had dinner with tonight?

Uh-huh. And we just go there to see what it was like, you know.

Sure. Yeah.

Anyway, so we're there and uh, this little, uh, party girl comes up to me.

And turns out to be Gail.

And, uh, she's on a shitload of, uh ...

Anyway, she gives me this long, once, twice, thrice over...

And then she turns to Jerry and she says, 'So what else did you bring me?'

I don't know, you had to be there. I wish I was.

Then what?

Oh, she goes over to her friends and I turn to Jerry,

and I say, 'That girl looks like a lot o' trouble.'

It's funny how people change, huh?

So, you got a boyfriend?

What? Oh, come on. You're smart, you're mature,

you're definitely unique, you got that.

Hey, you wanna see something cool?

Run!

I'm sorry.

You know we can't, we just can't ...

Y..You know, You know what I mean, I have kids and everything. - Yeah.

Okay. Wait, wait. Hey wait.

Thanks for watching the kids.

I didn't want that.

HPV. Herpes. Syphilis. Gonorrhea. Gonorrhea closeup.

Ladies and Gentlemen. The numbers show it.

The research shows it. Americans want a car.

A beautiful automobile that we can sell to them.

A car with torque, with horsepower. With how much horsepower?

A shitload, George.

Yes Phil. Yes Phil. Thank you. A shitload of horsepower.

Are you with me Mike?

..female version ...

It's my car. I'll bring it back.

You don't even have your licence. You saying I'm going to fuck it up?

Yes. I'm like a way better driver than you.

No, you're not, you trashed Ally's car.

And you let your mom's run out of gas that one time.

You failed drivers ed like three times.

That is because Brooka hated me.

No, it's because you're a bad driver.

I could get, like, arrested. My mom took Nadine's car away.

Fuck you, fat ass.

... around, and inside the vagina.

So he tells me he's only friends with her, but how come he's

thinking of taking her to the dance alone and not like in a group?

Christ, Brenda, ask him out already. But girls aren't supposed to 'ask'.

Fine. Be alone, stay home and binge on diet pills and chunky monkey.

I'm sick of hearing it every day.

Why are you attacking me? Everyone be friends, okay?

It doesn't matter how many defence or attack problems he has.

No, No, you put it on the table, dad. Just like that.

Dude, baseball cards is a better game. It's much easier.

So what do you want? You want another brownie?

Uhhh. Ice cream.