The Phoenician Scheme

Charlie-Oboe-Seven-Sugar.

Distress call acknowledged. Divert to new coordinates.

- Negative! Negative! - Heading two-three-zero.

- Vector two-three-zero. - Negative!

- Ascend three-zero-zero. - Unable!

- - Stay on course.

We're only losing altitude at 50 feet per second.

Let's clear that ridge, then reassess.

There might be a more survivable crash site.

More survivable crash site?

I told you! I warned you!

Wet tarmac! Short runway! 25-knot crosswind! Lightning!

You disallowed me to complete a proper safety check

despite credible threats of sabotage.

You forced me to take off and needled me and teased me

and bullied me, but I managed to get us airborne anyway.

And now, needless to say, we've been blown up by somebody

trying to assassinate you again, and we're gonna crash after all!

If we survive, I'm reporting you

to the Trans-European Aviation Authority.

- You're fired. - What's that?

- What'd you say? - You're fired.

I'm fired? In the middle of

emergency forced landing procedure...

Mayday, mayday, mayday. Charlie-Oboe-Seven-Sugar.

Request for immediate clearance.

I've got a cornfield and a, uh, looks like a soybean field.

Which is gonna be softer?

- -

Inconclusive.

Never mind. I'll be in the cornfield.

At this moment, rescue workers

are laboring to extinguish the fiery wreckage

of an ill-fated dual-engine aircraft,

in a perhaps futile attempt to recover and identify

the remains of Anatole "Zsa-zsa" Korda,

international businessman,

maverick in the fields of armaments and aviation,

among the richest men in Europe.

This was Korda's sixth recorded airplane crash.

Dogged for years by accusations of profiteering,

- -tax evasion, price-fixing, bribery,

Korda specialized in the mediation of

- clandestine trade agreements. -

His moniker in financial circles: Mr. 5%.

- - He is survived by

ten children-- nine boys, one novitiate nun,

his daughter Liesl--

and is predeceased by three wives.

A controversial figure, some will mourn his death,

others, inevitably, will celebrate.

Who was this man?

How do we recognize him?

- Does he have even an identity? -

Let us consider his life and deeds.

Born to an unscrupulous...

Grandmother.

[prophet continues speaking indistinctly]

Why are we here?

I don't know you.

...in a cold house

and brought that cold life...

Captain, what exactly would Mr. Korda

have experienced during those final seconds of his life,

before he was incinerated,

while you rocketed through space strapped to a chair?

Surely a horrific display of...

Actually, no. He's still alive.

Mr. Korda. Sir.

- Wow. - I'm fine.

What's that in your hand?

I don't know. I think it's a vestigial organ.

I tried to get it back in.

It's not as easy as it looks.

["Apollon musagète: Apotheose" by Igor Stravinsky playing]

[music continues over record player]

The chair recognizes the bureaucrat from Baltimore.

Thank you.

Subject: Zsa-zsa Korda,

our single common enemy who works consistently

and relentlessly against the interests

of all our competing nations.

The one item only on our agenda which unites us.

He swindles our banks.

He dodges our tariffs.

He ties up our courtrooms in tactical lawsuits.

He provokes war as well as peace,

in direct conflict with our shared diplomatic agenda.

Subject's new venture relies heavily

on personal capital and wildly overreaches liquid resources.

Our objective, with your approval:

disrupting, obstructing, impeding,

crippling Korda's enterprise in any manner possible,

with option to cancel in event of subject's sudden

and probable death.

- All in favor? Aye!

Your bag, Miss Liesl.

- I'll put it in the cupboard. - I wish to retain it.

Yes. No, no, I'm keeping it.

I understand.

Be seated.

- -

Liesl. I expect you received news of my death.

The reports were inaccurate, needless to say.

Let me get directly to the point.

I've appointed you sole heir to my estate,

which you may come into sooner rather than later,

and provisionally manager of my affairs

after the event of my actual demise, on a trial basis.

- Why? - Why what?

Why sooner rather than later, since you survived again?

And why am I sole heir to your estate?

You have eight sons at last count.

- Nine sons. - Nine sons. What about them?

- They're not my heirs. - Why not?

- I have my reasons. - Which are what?

My reasons? I'm not saying.

I'm saying I'm not saying.

It's been six years since our last meeting.

I apologize.

I apologize.

I forgive you.

Are you dying?

Thank you. No.

But I keep getting assassinated, unsuccessfully so far,

and I can't allow my enemies to benefit from killing me.

That's the top priority in my life at this time.

If they get me, you get them, provisionally.

Like an audition.

Like a trial period.

Of being your daughter.

Of being sole heir to my estate and manager of my affairs

after the event of my actual demise.

The personal family aspect, I agree,

that merits further discussion, but for now,

there's much to explain, and it's all in these shoeboxes.

Korda Land and Sea Phoenician Infrastructure Scheme.

My most important project of my lifetime.

30 years' work.

May I move? Over there.

Over where?

Over there? Why?

They say you murdered my mother.

- What? -They say you murdered my mother.

Who said that? Who said that?

"They." It's what they say.

I feel the need to address it.

It's why I agreed to come here today.

They say that? Well, it's a--

Forgive me.

I know you're pious.

It's a goddamn lie.

I never murdered anybody's mother in my life.

Okay. I have no choice but to take you at your word.

I never personally murdered anybody at all, ever!

You arranged murders perhaps.

Don't put words in my mouth.

Of course I didn't and don't.

I've employed violent men to do violence on occasion

in the distant past.

I take no relish in it.

They say you murdered all your wives.

I'm gonna sue them for libel in that case, whoever "they" are!

If you can provide me with their identities.

In fact, I was very fond of your mother

and never would've murdered her

under any circumstances whatsoever.

I didn't know her that well.

I thought you came here because I summoned you.

My plan is to be a nun.

Not anymore, right?

Your brothers are there.

Jasper, David, Phillip, Michael, Harry,

Jamie, Samuel, Steven, Thomas.

Hello, boys.

Will they be joining us for luncheon?

Of course not.

They live in a dormitory across the street.

I don't know, I don't know what they're doing here.

Is today a Saturday? That might explain it.

I bought Jasper a crossbow.

Be careful of your eyes. He's a very good shot.

You understand this changes your life.

Listen carefully.

This shoebox contains my idea

for the dam we're going to build.