Santa Clarita Diet

Calzone, eggplant parm, mushroom pizza. No clams.

Spaghetti, lasagna. No clams.

Going through all these Japopo's receipts is making me hungry.

- Can we go there tonight? - They may have killed your mother, so no.

Also, the food's not great.

Hey, if I ask you a boy question, will you promise not to be weird?

- I promise. - There's this guy at school, Sven...

You can do better.

Okay, starting now.

He asked me out, so we're getting coffee today.

Do I tell Eric, who likes me and may be really hurt?

Or do I not tell him, which feels like I'm hiding it

because Sven is hot and spent a summer in Greece playing guitar?

Well, let me ask you a question.

Does Sven know your mother and I are constantly looking for people to kill?

Dad.

Okay. Eric is your friend, and it's gonna hurt him a lot more

if he finds out from someone else, so you should tell him.

Thanks, Dad. That was uncharacteristically good parenting.

Couldn't just let me have the straight win, huh?

I feel like I gave you enough.

Hi, guys. How's it going with the receipts?

This is the final one. And it's... chicken piccata.

Someone didn't read my first Yelp review.

"If you like capers, try a Marx Brothers movie

because you won't find any in this piccata!"

Okay.

So, the night we ate at Japopo's, clams was a special,

and only three people ordered them.

You, Ramona, and a guy named Ed Thune.

Colonel Ed Thune. We Googled him.

He's single, retired,

and he thinks that a profile picture is literally a profile.

If he's undead, the clams are definitely the source of this thing.

You and Ramona could be a coincidence, but three people is a pattern.

Way to go, you guys. This is huge!

If we know it's the clams, we can stop it from spreading.

We could literally save the world!

It's all up to us!

- Then let's go find Ed Thune! - Ooh!

- Today's not good. - What? Honey, it's the world.

We have that meeting with Carl, and then we're pitching to that investor.

Yeah, but...

- The world! - Dad's right. What could possibly

be more important than saving the...

Holy shit, it's Sven! Hey, how was paddle boarding?

Who's Sven?

Just a boy who's gonna break Eric's heart.

I really think we should talk to Ed Thune today.

We absolutely should, tomorrow,

because if we don't make that meeting today,

Carl's gonna take us off the biggest project of our lives.

But if Ed is feral and infecting people today,

what good is a housing development

when rabid armies of flesh-eating goons are roamin' the streets?

- We both have really good arguments. - I don't think we both do.

Okay, how about this?

You go talk to Ed. And if he's undead, we know it's the clams.

And if he's feral, we go back together and make him regular dead.

In the meantime, I'm gonna take that meeting with Carl.

Speaking of making people dead, you should not go talk to Carl by yourself.

Don't worry, I have a plan.

I'm just gonna act like old Sheila, who's demure and chipper

and never had an orgasm while eating a man's liver.

Judging by your look, I haven't mentioned that before.

No, you have. I just never know what to say.

You think you can even act like the old Sheila around Carl?

I think so, but maybe you're right.

Maybe it's too dangerous, and I shouldn't go.

- I really think that's best. - Fooled you, motherfucka.

That was the old, agreeable Sheila. I'm gonna nail this.

- Hey, guys. - Hi, Anne.

Hey, uh, Joel, you're a pretty good dancer, right?

- No. Who told you that? - You did.

Remember, honey, that's why you trashed Principal Novak's house,

is because you were giving his grandmother dancing lessons.

Of course. I was confused because you asked me if I was a pretty good dancer,

which I'm not.

I'm an outstanding dancer.

Salsa, tango, numerous others that I know.

Perfect! Lisa's birthday's coming up, and I wanna take her dancing.

She loves the tango, but I don't know the first thing about it.

Can you teach me?

The thing is, I'm a little busy.

- Yeah, he's really busy. - Yeah.

- Are you sure? - Uh-huh.

I could do it anytime, work around your schedule.

- Okay. - Great. How's tonight at 6:00?

- Okay. - I have Bible study at 9:00.

- Is three hours enough time? - Okay.

Perfect. I'll see you tonight. Bye, Sheila.

Bye, Anne.

- What the fuck? - She makes me nervous.

You said you were busy, and I backed you up.

All you had to do was stick with that.

I'm worried about you talking to Ed Thune without me.

He's a colonel, and as you just demonstrated with Deputy Garcia,

you're not good with authority.

I think it's because you have a cold, dominating dad.

- Can we leave Father out of this? - The way you froze with Anne?

If you do that with Colonel Thune and he's gone feral,

you're gonna end up wearing your intestines as a necklace.

Fine. I'll just stake the place out, see what I can learn.

I promise I'll be the coward you want me to be.

Thank you.

- Have a good day. - You too. Don't kill Carl.

Okay. Don't get killed by Ed.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay. Here is the satellite image of the fracking site.

I think that that blurry thing might be a construction trailer.

Or a shoebox. I'm having trouble with the scale.

Well, that's a field... or gravy.

Maybe we should bring biscuits just to be safe.

It's gonna be hard shutting down a fracking site

if we don't know what's there.

We need better pictures.

We can't just go in there. They'll see us.

- Do you know what a ghillie suit is? - Assume I don't.

It's a camouflage outfit that snipers make from local flora,

which enables them to disappear into their surroundings.

If you have a couple extra hours this afternoon, we can gather dirt and leaves...

I have a date today.

- What? - Sorry. That was the wrong way to do that.

I thought it would be better if you found out from me than someone else.

- There's this guy, Sven. - Cool. Cool.

Do you mean handsome Sven who was on Good Morning America

after he saved his little brother from a shark attack?

Or another totally non-threatening Sven who I've never met or heard of?

- This is weird for you. - Totally not weird.

Heard the shark wasn't even that big, so...

You sure you're okay with it? 'Cause, you know, if you're not,

then... I could...

Okay, thought you were gonna jump in there, but I am going out with him.

And you should, 100 percent.

You were happy for me when I went out with Ramona, so I'm happy for you.

Because if life has taught me anything,

it's that human emotion is all about fairness.

Well, thank you for trying and failing to be cool.

That's kinda my jiggity jam.

Good morning, Carl. I stopped on the way and got your coffee.

Oh, give it to me.

I also picked up some of those Danishes your doctor doesn't let you have.

Oh, you are bad.

Mm. Mm. Oh.

So good. Come on, let's be bad together.

Oh, I can't. I'm on a new diet. I can only eat meat.

- That's stupid. Come on, have one. - I will literally throw up on you.

Fine. Fuck me for being generous.

All right, well, the investor's gonna be here this afternoon

to hear the concepts for the first six houses.

Yeah, I know, Carl. You're reading off a memo I wrote to you.

Whoa! You're rough in the morning.

Have a lamb chop or somethin'.

Nobody is stealing your memo byline, okay?

- Anyway... - "Anyhoo."

I like it when girls say "anyhoo." It's cute.

- Um, anyhoo... - Better!

Um, I've been doing some research,

and I thought that maybe we could design these homes

with a more sustainable approach than we typically see in Santa Clarita.

There's this article in the New York Times about smart homes.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

People don't give a shit about sustainability.

They want big beige boxes.

Actually, according to this study, many new home buyers...

Sheila.

Mm-mm?

Big beige boxes is how we make money.

Now, if you wanna be part of that,

your job is to smile and back up everything I say.

Understand?

Absolutely.

Well, then let's see the smile.

Come on, bigger.

More teeth.

That's better.

Oh, Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong with your eye?

Oh, shit!

Well, that told me nothing.

Fuck it.

- Yes? - Good morning.

I'm Martin I. Taylor, Esquire,

and I'm putting together a lawsuit against a local eatery, Japopo's.

If you've eaten there recently,

you may be entitled to a share of a very large settlement.

Sorry, son, I've never been there. Now, if you'll excuse me...

You are Ed Thune, right?

- Colonel Ed Thune. - It's just...

This is your receipt, isn't it, Colonel?

Oh, Japopo's.

Yeah, the Italian place on Soledad. I'd completely forgotten.

If I could just ask you a few questions...

Of course, Martin. Come on in.

I wouldn't want to impose. We can just talk here.

Nonsense. You're letting all the cold air out.

Come inside.

Okay.

You're not deteriorating.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, your blood...

Technically, your black goo hasn't changed since we gave you the serum.