The League

No matter who you end up with, I will still love you.

Oh, Dre, Dre.

Dre, Dre, Dre.

Okay, that's enough.

That's enough.

Just don't want to let him go.

Let it go. Let it go.

I don't like calling this "The Dre."

This is "The Shiva," okay?

It is "The Dre."

Whatever you call it, just know that in one week's time, it will not be yours.

It will be mine, and I will tear it down like a statue of Saddam Hussein..

- Destroy it... - Hold on, buddy, because you haven't won it yet.

And yes, it is a total teardown,

- but I have amazing plans to build it back up. - A total tear down?

- N... no, this is a work of art. - Ok, enough, it's time for

- our offerings to "The Shi-Dre". - Ok, good.

And I think we should start with the Shivable contestants

and I think, ladies before dickheads.

- What if they're both? - What you gonna do.

That's nice, ladies before dickheads. Go ahead.

Shi-Dre, your hemorrhoid donut...

- Ohhh! - that you earned in Vegas

when you made that hard drive

- up Andre's back fields, - Hm-hm, huh-huh-huh.

May you sit comfortable for all the rest of your years...

Next, as an ode to your terrible fashion sense Dre and Andre,

I offer you the hat...

- that you gave to me for Christmas. - I wanted that.

Ok, well, you know what? Forgive me but I think that hat is pretty pimpin'.

- Need I say more.. - Alright guys, I gotta admit

I don't have an offering for The Dre,

What I do have is a little gift

for the previous owner of The Dre.

Very thoughtful, Pete.

So here's something to commemorate the fact that you're

probably gonna be in last place and you suck.

No, no, no, I don't want that.

Why did you bring the Sacko in my house?

Because I wanted to introduce him to his new home where he's

gonna be spending the year next year after you lose in the Sacko Bowl.

I'm not gonna lose in the Sacko Bowl.

I'm playing Taco.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You're going down, Dr. No Dick.

I'm gonna be sitting on that waiver wire.

I'm gonna be studying the match-ups and picking up free agents.

I'm gonna burn your nipples, bitch.

Well done, Taco. Nicely done!

Who are you? Who are you?

Since when do you care about fantasy football?

I just feel like caring right now.

You are doing so good.

Good job.

But you know what?

It is my last week with The Dre, and I'm gonna cherish every

single moment with it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I will be in my bedroom.

Oh...

This sucks.

Look, at least you got Jenny this year, all right?

I mean, the girl is incredible.

What is this?

You're not happy for your wife?

She's in the league for the first year and she brings the

team to the Shiva Bowl?

I've been doing this thing for six years; I've never been to the Shiva Bowl.

And what if she wins this thing?

I gotta stare at a trophy that I've never won for an entire year.

Holy shit.

It's gonna say "Lady McArthurs" at the bottom of it.

I hate fantasy football.

And it's the only thing I ever really loved.

Wow, you're out to sea, man.

Oh, I love fantasy football.

And I love being a future champion.

Jesus.

Only question I have, at the flex, do I play Donald Brown or Stevie Breaston?

No. No, no, no.

Enough. Enough with the questions.

We're not giving you advice.

No!

You know what? You're right.

Hey, barkeep, do I play Donald Brown or Stevie Breaston?

Look, look, he's the census taker.

He's polling around everyone on the planet asking 'em the same question.

Are we talking about taking a census?

I'll do one right now.

Male? Check.

Champion? Check.

Anyone else residing in your home?

Uh, yes, an amazing wife.

We had sex this morning, then she cooked me breakfast.

And now she's gonna take care of my kid all day. How's Jenny?

What's she focused on these days? Bye!

Smartass Kermit.

- So miserable. - Look at him over there, look at that guy.

What is he doing over there, by the way?

He's asking these guys about Breaston versus Brown.

He still wants to know, he's polling them.

Now he's saying that he is the commissioner of this leak.

- What an asshole. - How can you hear this, you have dog ears?

I'm reading his lips.

Oh, oh, you're reading lips now.

I'm sorry, when did I miss this?

Look, it's been a very rough fall for me, all right?

Jenny's been spending most of her time on the computer trying

to win the Shiva, so we haven't exactly heated it up in the

boudoir, so I've been having to take care of myself in the shower.

You're not the first man to masturbate in the shower.

I understand.

Why are you reading lips?

Well, I have this phone that I just downloaded all this filth

on, and I bring it into the shower and I turn the sound off,

so I don't get caught.

Still don't understand why you have to read lips.

'Cause if I don't know the story, I can't keep it up.

I'm a very verbally-stimulated person.

I need to know, like how good she needs it, why he's

delivering that pizza there.

Plot points.

Wow. That's all I'm gonna say for now.

I want to show you something outside.

You're going to like this.

Come on, get your coat.

Is the nature of our relationship about to change?

No. Come on. Get your coat.

All right, check it out.

New car.

Don't touch the cop car, all right?

You get in trouble for that.

It's not a cop car.

It's my car. I bought it.

This is not your car.

This is a police officer's car.

No, it's not.

It's a Crown Vic.

It's a normal car.

A what?

A Crown Vic.

Crown Vic?

I thought they were just called cop cars.

I didn't even know it had a name.

Yes, sometimes they're used as cop cars.

- You bought this car? - Yeah, I got a great deal on it.

Well, did it come with a mustache and a bad attitude?

Very funny.

Well, did you at least get two divorces and a softball team?

Not a cop car. Normal car.

Oh, hey, Cagney and Lacey.

How you guys doing?

You guys off to solve crimes in pleated slacks and lady Rockports?

I think that starting Lee Evans against Darrelle Revis is a huge, huge mistake.

I disagree.

No, I'm just telling you.

This team did well for me last week.

It's going to do well for me this week.

You have to consider the match-ups.

I understand your argument, except I am in the Shiva Bowl,

and you are not, so maybe there is something to my theory of

not tinkering with your team.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

This is going to be the team that I go into the Shiva Bowl with.

Fine, I'm going to take a shower.

Why-Why are you slowing down?

You're driving under the speed limit.

- What is your problem? - Come on.

- Go! - All right, this is ridiculous.

Oh, you, too?

Really? I'm not a cop!

Okay, it's a Crown Victoria!

Jesus Christ, people.

No, don't pull... I'm not a cop, all right?

I don't have a mustache.

I don't wear polyester pants, and I've only been divorced once.

35 miles an hour.

35 miles an hour.

Do you have any idea how infuriating it is to actually drive the speed limit?

Have you done this before?

No. Never.

It took me 30 extra minutes to get home from work.

I'm thinking about going the other way.

Why not just embrace it?

I'll get a siren.

I'll get a uniform..

Good idea, impersonating a cop, I like that.

That would actually be a step up for you professionally.

By the way, guys, hide all your weed.

There's a cop car out back.

Not...

Can I have a Bud Lite, please?

Oh, there he is.

What's up, meat?

You ready for this weekend, huh?

You're going down.

I'm going to win the Sacko and I'm going to win your apartment.

My apartment is not part of the deal.

That's what I was told.

It is.