Modern Family

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What's the best first-person shooter

about genetically modified space marines?

Halo!

Honey, have you been playing your new little video game all day?

When you say it in that tone, it implies that Luke and I

haven't been spending quality time together.

- Which we have. - Can I talk to him?

Sure thing. Luke!

I don't think he's here. I mean, I-I know he's not here.

Where is he?

I am certain he is probably out with his usual crew of cut-ups.

You're not doing laundry, are you?

God, no. But I'm about to if I'm supposed to.

No, no. Don't. Don't.

But can you vacuum out the dryer vent before I get home?

I will absolutely do that.

Thanks.

I can't get in touch with Haley.

I haven't talked to her since we got in that fight.

She around?

I think she slept at a friend's house.

What friend?

Um... not a normal name,

starts with a vowel, possibly foreign.

Oh, maybe Alex knows. Is she home?

Nope. I have not seen her for hours.

Does Haley know an Arjibarge?

- Hi, mom. - Hi, honey. Where are you?

I'm in the kitchen.

Alex? When'd you get home?

I've been here all day.

Oh. You should get outside, get some fresh air.

It's a beautiful morning.

It's noon, and it's freezing out.

Phil, honey, when I'm not home,

I need you to be present and keep track of everyone.

Sounds good. Love you, too.

Alex, do you know where Haley is?

Mm...

I mean, I know she was babysitting Lily last night,

but I haven't seen her since.

By the way, don't read the draft I sent you last night

of my college essay. I just sent you a new version.

Uh, okay. I will go read that one right now.

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Oh, my God. What are you doing? Are you filming me?

Yes! I want you to see how crazy you are acting.

Me?! I come to talk to you about something important,

and then you start chasing me around with a camera!

I asked you to clean up the kitchen nine hours ago

when I left for work.

I come back, and it's the exact same mess,

plus pickles and peanut butter!

I was running around doing stuff for my crazy boss all day,

and then I got hungry,

and then the smell from the garbage almost made me throw up!

That's exactly how I feel!

Leave me alone! I have a lot on my plate!

Yes. Yes, I can see that, honey. You left it in the sink!

Oh, my God!

I waited in line for two hours, but I got it.

Ooh, we making a home movie?

_ Jay: Hello?

Hey, dad. Dad, take the phone away from your ear.

Why would I do this? Now I can't hear you.

Put it in front of your face.

Oh! How'd you get in my phone?

Does this mean when we talked the other day

- that you knew I was in the can? - I do now.

- How was the presentation? - Actually went really well.

The client loves the whole re-design.

They just want us to swap out the handles--

Damn it! I know.

Only knobs want knobs.

No, Joe bit me. He's teething.

I don't think it's a coincidence that Andy took the weekend off.

Ow! Kid's like a beaver.

I'm afraid to wear short pants.

- Hola, Claire. - Hey, Gloria.

How's your trip? Are you having any fun? _

Uh... Yeah. You know, it's a little windy, but, eh. _

So, you're okay with me cutting Luke's hair, right?

- Hey, mom. - Well, hello.

It's nice to know you're not dead in an alley somewhere.

Right back at you.

Yes, I am fine with you cutting his hair.

Just don't leave it too long on the sides.

I am very good cutting boys' hair.

You should let me cut yours someday.

Okay, bye-bye, Gloria.

Jay: You still there?

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Crap. Dad, did you know it was Mitchell's birthday today?

Of course. I already called him

because I'm a considerate person

who really cares about his family.

I reminded him and dialed the phone.

- Mm. - Fly safe.

And remember you can recline. It's still America up there.

Thanks, dad.

Happy birthday!

Oh, hey. Is it still my birthday?

Watch it, or I'll sing to you.

Okay. So, have you had a good day?

Yes, thank you.

Uh, Lily, she made me her famous chocolate-chip scrambled eggs...

- Ooh. - ...which she then watched me eat.

- Ooh. - Yeah.

- You got my present, didn't you? - No.

Darn it. They promised it would be there on time. _

Oh, well, I can't wait to open it

and check the date on the invoice.

- Hey, is that Claire? - Yeah.

- Hi, Claire! - Hi.

Hi. Hey, uh, did you, uh, show her my gift yet?

No.

- Come on, show her, show her. - Okay. Yeah.

It's good.

Wow, shalom and chh-appy birthday.

I know, right?

Isn't it fantastic?

Hey, Claire, did you get me some Garrett's cheese

and caramel corn yet? Oh, shoot, I forgot.

It's the one thing you had to do in Chicago!

You are so right.

I'm sorry that I let myself get distracted by my job.

Okay, I'm looking for sweet and salty, Claire, not bitter.

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Relax, Cam.

I'm sure there's a kiosk around here that sells it.

Good.

Guys, listen, yesterday, did Haley mention

where she was gonna go after she babysat for Lily?

No, but when you do talk to her, can you tell her

to please be careful with my powder-blue suit

that Cam let her borrow without asking me?

Why did she want a suit?

A friend of hers needs it for a wedding,

and Mitchell needs to stop dressing like he's in a barbershop quartet.

- Oh. - Lily, honey,

did Haley say where she was going when she left here?

- Who wants to know? - Aunt Claire.

Hey, Aunt Claire. I heard you were being mean to Haley.

I was not mean to Haley.

Okay, you're screaming.

I don't know where she went. Maybe Dylan knows.

Dylan? Why would Dylan know?

He came over, and they were talking on the couch

while I was in the other room...

behaving.

She's still talking to Dylan? Really?

- - Oh, wait, guys, I got to go.

Uh, happy birthday, Babs.

What does she mean by that?

Hi, honey.

Oh, don't read that last draft.

I just changed something in paragraph three.

Oh, oh, that's too bad.

Paragraph three had some of my favorite--

Oh, please, I can see your eyes darting around the screen.

Just read the new one.

Can you just do me a favor and call your sister?

If she's screening, I'm not making the cut.

Why don't you just snoop on her Facebook page

with your fake profile?

I don't have a fake profile.

Mom, save it. Brody Kendall just logged in.

That trick might've worked on Haley,

but I know that's a picture of Chachi.

Oh, my God. _ What?

Please tell me that's some kind of mistake!

Where? Which paragraph?

Get your father-- now!

Dad, mom needs you!

Tell her I'm in the shower!

Honey, who do we call? What do we do?

There's no way Haley's married.

Then why did she change her Facebook status?

She probably didn't.

It could be a computer glitch, someone hacked her account.

I just think we should stay calm until we know the story.

Honey, I cannot get on a plane for four hours

and be out of touch and not know what happened!

It's not just the Facebook thing.

She borrowed a blue suit from Mitchell for a wedding.

Something borrowed, something blue? Do you get it?