Michael Palin: Around the World in 80 Days

I've been eight days and seven nights On an open boat,

Chugging painfully slowly From Arabia to India.

Phileas Fogg first saw Bombay On his 18th day out of England.

It's my 25th and I'm a week behind.

But Fogg wouldn't have seen this,

The arch built to commemorate The first visit by a British monarch in 1911.

They still call it the Gateway to India.

So I walk into India In the steps of King George V.

A little underdressed and short of bearers, But it's still an oddly awesome experience

To come upon such a huge country So suddenly and dramatically.

Life on the dhow Had been such a simple matter,

A week spent on a few hundred square feet.

Back on land, I feel temporarily Overwhelmed and confused.

In the space of 100 yards. I've come from a village in Gujarat

To the doors of the most expensive hotel In Bombay.

No wonder I have A strange dislocated feeling,

A sort of sensory deprivation.

Morning. My name's Palin. I have a reservation, but I'm a day late.

Welcome to the hotel.

Just sign there.

Thanks. Is this all I have to do?

Yes, sir.

That night, I have a weird dream.

Come on, let's be 'aving youl Where d'you think you are? The Ritz?

For a moment, I imagine i've woken up In Wormwood Scrubs.

Actually, I'm in THE luxury hotel in Bombay.

It's called the Taj And it was built 80 years ago

In the heyday of the British Raj.

Its tasteful interior is still as elegant And cool as a cathedral

And about as relevant To the everyday life of India.

For outside these reassuring walls

Are the sights and sounds Which you can forget for a while,

But they are always there, waiting.

Bombay life is like an engine That has lost its silencer.

It is intense, vigorous, nerve jangling, incessant.

It is also reassuring. Much of the technology Is on a human scale.

There is a darker side to all this energy.

The human scale can be uncomfortable For westerners.

This is the really difficult bit.

Sorry.

These kids... They are probably Only five or six years old.

It's difficult to know what to do. I just... I just say no.

Otherwise you... You can't change everything.

If you gave ten rupees to ten people, The eleventh would feel left out.

It is all over the city. It is endemic.

Begging. And it is pretty horrific, but...

...you can't change it. Maybe you just perpetuate it.

I've been told on good authority

That there is an excellent barber Under a tree on this street.

My taxi driver seems to know the tree well.

Hello, excuse me? Are you a barber? Will you give me a shave?

Yes? Will you do a shave? Take this beard off?

- Yes? OK, what do I do? - You sit here.

This is the barber's seat, is it?

- No, sit round. - I face him?

He's your agent, is he?

This is eight days growth here, so go easy.

Mm, great.

Are you one of the best?

Are you good barber?

Quiet man.

I see Sheffield United won last Saturday.

Two-one against Blackpool. Lucky really, that's a good team.

Right, Michael, be as still as you can.

Leave the nose. I know it's big.

Suddenly I realise what it is About the barber that worries me.

The way he handles me and stares past me, I form the impression that he is blind.

I'm not going to talk, because if I do... You might get the jugular.

This is why the crowd is here.

They haven't come to watch a shave, But an execution.

Oh-oh, bang go the Hitler impersonations.

Never thought I'd have a shave And see in the trees above me vultures!

Shaved, washed and all too briefly rested, It's time to move on round the world.

I head for V.T. - Victoria Terminal.

100 years old and the sort of grand ornament The British built

To show India what western civilisation was.

No wonder they're confused.

The booking hall, however, is brand-new.

Modern, streamlined... And equally confusing.

That's very helpful (!) No signs.

Not a single sign in sight!

Excuse me, do you speak English?

- I want a ticket for Madras. - Yes.

- You can stand here. - Yes? This is the right...

- On any window. - Any window?

That's why there are no signs! That's a system I like!

So, any window, I'm OK?

Can I have a ticket for a train to Madras On the 22nd, please?

You are getting in waiting list. Waiting list.

- I'm on a waiting list? - It's OK, no?

- Does that mean I am on the train itself? - No.

Right.

- How much do I owe you? - I have been paid by this.

That covers it? Thank you very much.

My ticket is for a place, But only on a waiting list

And not for today's train, but tomorrow's.

So I have the rest of the day in Bombay.

And I'm not short of advice What to do with it.

I'm not sure what to do with 50,000 girls!

How far you walking? Five minutes, six minutes?

I help you walking, so, no problem.

I like to see things on my own. It's rather nice to...

I show you all of Bombay.

Well, I don't really want a guided tour.

I want to look on my own, Then I have to go back in the hotel.

Rest a bit and then i'll see a bit more,

But it's very... What?

What?

A joint?

No problem, no problem!

No, thank you.

- You have a joint? - Yes.

You are a naughty man.

First you offer me 50,000 women... What? A cobra?

No, the last thing I want to see is a cobra.

Do you think there's a cobra in his basket?

He's got a cobra in there? Yes, he has.

I'll tell you what you do. You come with me, yes?

No, I think I'm not going to be A good customer for you, really.

Cobras, joints, even 50,000 women.

You go and find somebody else Who'll be a bigger...

A bigger spender than me.

Of course, the very first thing I see is a cobra,

One of a cast Of a common Bombay street theatre.

The cobra's co-star Is a rather mangy mongoose.

By the side of a main road, I find myself in a city within a city,

A long terrace of temporary shelters.

These people have nothing, but poverty Isn't judged in India as in the west.

Here it's an unavoidable fact of life,

Not a sign of personal failure.

Yes, you're a lot of rotters, you are.

You're a lot of old rotters! Yes, you are!

A day's delay can have its compensations.

As I return to the hotel, I'm caught up In the Hindu festival of Dussehra,

A ten-day celebration of the slaying of Ravana, The demon king of Sri Lanka

By the goddess Kali.

On the steps which George V And I used to enter India,

A crowd of people, Intoxicated with excitement and other things,

Daub themselves in red powder and carry Their effigies into and under the water.

It makes compulsive viewing,

But there's an edge of hysteria From which I am glad to escape.

If the Dussehra festival represents The passions of local religion,

The Cathedral of St Thomas Offers a cooler, less emotional face.

On its walls is evidence of lives cut short And tragedy stoically borne.

Preserved in marble, stone and brass

Is a sobering record of the cost Of maintaining an empire.

Chowpatty Beach, A fine sweeping stretch of sea front.

As night falls, the tempo rises.

Those citizens with energy left Come here for a good time.

If they haven't any energy left, They can find someone to restore it.

This treatment is so powerful, I fear my Masseur's fingers might enter my head!

A sort of digital acupuncture.

But the feeling afterwards is sensational.

The next morning, still pleasantly blotto From the massage,

I remember something I have to do Before leaving Bombay.

One of my friends had asked for An Indian horoscope for their child to be.

As the Taj must be one of the few hotels To boast of a resident astrologer,

It seems too good an opportunity to miss.

I seek out Mr Jagjit Uppal, Advisor to politicians, film producers,

And now circumnavigators.

In conclusion, I would say That the child born to your friends

Will be healthy, active, Energetic and long-lived.

The main characteristic Will be very artistic, very creative,

With much interest in literature.

My friends will appreciate that.

Can you tell me what lies in store for me In the next two or three months?

Smooth sailing, a pleasant journey And on schedule if not ahead of schedule.

If you have lost some time, there are Possibilities of you recovering that time.

The omens are very good.

After the conclusion of this journey, there Are remarkable changes in March/April '89.

You'll be more in limelight.

Remarkable changes in what way?

Whatever is planned for March/April, There are changes in that pattern.

There is good news coming to you In your work pattern at that time.

I can't wait to get back And reorganise my diary.

Now exhilarated by the thought Of ordering my future on room service,

I become greedy for information.

Does it give any indication For the years ahead?

What span can I expect?

You will live long and healthy and taking One or more such trips of adventure.

You are full of the spirit of adventure.

My spirit of adventure will be sorely tested In the next few days.

If my train leaves on time, I shall still be ten days behind Phileas Fogg.

That is if I have a seat.

Well, my name is on the list. Palin, M - male, seat 194/64.

You may think I look rough, but Passepartout, As you can see, has aged visibly!

It transpires that there are two other people Called Michael Palin in seat 194/64...

And one of them is a woman!

But it is too late now, We are off to Madras, all three of us.

777 miles separate Bombay on the Indian Ocean and Madras on the Bay of Bengal.

My journey should take 27 hours And we shall stop at 30 stations,

But I am circumnavigating again And that's cause for celebration.

We're gathering speed, Pulling out of the suburbs of Bombay

And onto the narrow plain Between the sea and the Western Ghats.

One of the sights least familiar to the Western eye is railway as public highway.

Men, women, cows and goats Stroll along with equanimity,

Quite oblivious to the oncoming presence Of a 17-coach express.

We cross the Ghats at sunset On my 28th day away from England.

Throughout my childhood, On the mantelpiece were two cups,

One in pewter, one in silver, Both won by my father, both won for rowing