Evil Toons

Remember, in times of trouble, let your conscience be your guide.

Here goes.

I never knew you were one to jump to conclusions.

You can't get rid of me that easily. I'll be back. You'll see!

Okay, kids. This is it.

- Well, that wasn't too bad. - Oh, speak for yourself.

I personally was never cut out to be a contortionist.

- A contortionist, what's that? - It's a political party.

But don't worry, the Republicans are still way ahead.

Well, actually, it means a person's ability

to twist their body into strange and unusual positions.

Well, that certainly sounds like Roxanne to me.

- Really? - Oh, dream on.

Hey, let's get this stuff out.

I feel like I'm on display here in the middle of the street.

Let's do it.

Now, you girls understand the deal, right?

I drop you off, you clean up the house real good for the new owners,

I pick you up Monday morning, and you each get 100 bucks.

My mouth's watering just thinking about it.

A lousy 100 bucks.

You'd think there'd be an easier way to earn some spending cash.

There is, but you'd have to beat around the bush to get it.

And how!

- What did she mean by that? - Just keep pulling out the stuff, Megan.

Hey, just sign this, saying you understand the game.

And I can get the hell out of here.

I hope someone has the keys to this palace.

Don't worry. As your team leader,

I've got everything we need to get through the weekend.

Did you bring any men?

Oh, I see you're hiding them under your shirt.

- Sign up, Roxanne. - Oh.

Too bad, it's a couple of midgets.

Yeah, well, listen... In case you didn't hear it down at the office,

there's no hanky panky going on here.

You leave your boyfriends down at the football field or wherever the hell you found them.

- Power even turned on? - Well, the electricity is.

The phone's out until the new owners move in.

Well, what if there's an emergency or something?

Oh, I think we're supposed to go running down the street screaming, right?

No. There's a neigbor, Mr. Hinchlow.

He's got a phone. I spoke to him earlier in the day.

He's going to drop by later and introduce himself.

- Great, we can call out for pizza. - Yeah, but remember, no monkey business.

- I got a reputation to think of. - He's got his reputation to live down.

- Sleaze ball. - Aw, I think he's kind of cute.

Well, in a weird, sort of twisted way, of course.

Very twisted.

Let's get going, guys.

Guys. Hold on.

Oh, look. Hell House.

Looks like our sorority house to me.

It displays a certain charm. Not altogether unpleasant.

Maybe you can assume the mortgage after the new owners disappear.

- Put this down. - All right.

What was that stuff you were saying about the new owners disappearing?

Well, this house has a long history of mayhem and madness.

Pretty strange and unusual and weird things have happened here.

- Such as? - Well...

It was the Mortimer family, the last ones to live here

They simply vanished one night after about a month of moving in.

- What happened to them? - Nobody really knows.

But it's assumed they took off in the middle of the night,

so freaked out, they left everything behind.

- Everything? - Even their CD player.

No shit?

Let's get this junk in the kitchen and see if the fridge is in working order.

Meg, go get the bags from the street.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Saw the van. Figured it was you.

Thought I'd stop by, let you know I was here.

- Are you Mr... - Hinchlow.

Yes, I have the house down the block here.

I'm Megan. I'm just here for the weekend.

Ah, short stay, huh?

Good thing.

Um, would you like to meet the other girls?

Oh, I'd be delighted.

You know, I remember this house when it was only about that tall.

Oh, heh. No kidding?

I don't know about you guys, but this place doesn't look so messy.

You know, it should be a cinch if we all pitch in and get to it.

- Fridge is in working order. - Great. Here, put this stuff in there.

- Ham. - Yeah.

- Cheese, cool. - Mm.

Beers.

- And butter? - Don't ask.

- Look who I found outside. - Mr. Hinchlow?

Yeah.

You the guy with the phone?

- That's right. - Well, I'm Terry. Hi.

I represent the Wheatley Cleaning Company.

And this is Roxanne and Jan, and...

- I guess you already know Megan. - I had the pleasure, yeah.

There something we can do for you, Mr. Hinchlow?

No. No, no, I just, uh... came in to have a look at your faces.

In case I have to identify you later on.

- Identify us? - Your bodies, I mean, for the cops.

- Um, if there's a need, you know? - I'm afraid we don't know.

Well, there's been several murders in this neighborhood.

I... I wouldn't want anything to happen to you girls, of course.

Of course.

Well, we really appreciate your concern, Mr. Hinchlow.

And now, if you're done memorizing us, we've got a lot of work to do.

Of course. I daresay. Well, if you need anything I'm just down the block.

It's the brown house that's slightly green with mold.

Just holler if you need anything.

Thanks. We'll remember that.

- So now what? - Well, I say we start in the basement.

- Why the basement? - 'Cause it's dark and creepy.

And probably the last place you want to be after sundown.

You got it.

- Come on. - Let's do it.

Why do these things always have to start

with young, beautiful coeds going into the basement?

This must be where all the missing bodies are buried.

Don't worry. We're not doing any digging.

- It's not in our job description. - Come on.

Come on, scaredy-cat. Get in there.

I just want to be the last one to get it.

Oh, come on.

Well, what are you chickens waiting for? Let's get the light turned on.

You do it. We're not budging. It's dark in here.

Geez, it's just a basement.

Maybe to you, but I say it's the guts of Hell House.

Is this the part where we find the secret Ouija board

and all become possessed by demons?

No, I think this is the part where we get just plain bored,

and get possessed by the spirit of Mr. Clean.

Look, guys... No bodies, no monsters.

Just an old storage space that smells like a locker room.

- It's even too ugly to mop. - So, what do we do with it?

Well, I say we just straighten up. Now why don't you guys

stack up some of the boxes, and we'll move things around.

It'll start looking better, and we can call it a day.

Terry's right. Let's do it.

- Hey, check this out. - What?

What's the big deal? There's a lot of trunks down here.

Yeah, but dig this tag.

I've seen a lot of odd languages, but never one like this before.

I wonder what it says.

Probably some kind of travel tag from an exotic location.

Yeah, in hell.

Come on, cut the ghost stories and help me get it open.

Oh, stink-o!

Smells like something died.

Look here.

- Great. Where's the rest of him? - There's more.

- Well, that-- - Fuck!

That just about completes our tour of Dr. Satan's neighborhood.

Tune in next week, when we hear Roxanne say:

Let's get the hell out of here.

- Yeah, we can finish tomorrow. - I need some air.

Well, I'm going to take some of these things with me.

- Why? - They may be important.

Well, you remember what that Hinchlow said.

- About bodies? - Yeah. There may be clues.

What you're really trying to say, is they may be antiques.

Valuable ones, that nobody but us knows about or will miss.

Well, maybe. But listen...

If they are valuables, we'll split whatever we have, okay?

- Deal? - Deal.

- Come on, let's get. - Let's do it.

This place doesn't induce much of an appetite in me.

Well, it isn't exactly Mama San's brand of bologna

but it'll do if you're as hungry as I am.

Great. A thunder storm.

How come every time we stay at an old, spooky house

it has the lightning and thunder?

Well, I think it's standard issue.

- Let's go join the others. - Okay.

How can you read that stuff on a night like this?

In a house like this?

"And then Reginald, with an insane look,

grabbed the long, twisted blade of the Demon Sword,

and plunged it deep into the exposed breast of young, nubile Catherine."

Are you okay?

Just some sandwich stuck in my throat.

Have you guys seen Rox?

Want to see how I got my hooks in to Biff Bullock, the football captain?

Again?

I do!

Okay! Here's how it starts. Ready?

- Wow, that was interesting. - Gets them every time.

Here. Come on. I'll show you how.

- No, I couldn't. I-- - Come on.

Come on, it's easy.

Come on.

- Stop! - Come on!

Come on.

Hey, girl. Hold on.

Stop it.

- Check her out. - Oh, not too bad.

My, my. Where have you been hiding that?

We've got some stiff competition here, girls.

Remind me to show you how to use it sometime.

Who could that be?

It's probably Hinchlow looking for a good time.