Sam & Cat

Sam, could you give me a hand in the kitchen, please?

I could.

Yay.

But I won't.

Poop.

Can we not watch this?

Please?

Why? You guys said you love this movie.

We do...

On a big screen.

What do you mean?

That's a 50-inch TV.

We know.

We've seen one that small before.

At our maid's house.

Ow!

Sam.

What was that?

Our timers.

Why do you have timers?

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Let's see.

"7:30, both Phillip and Kelly must take their protein pills, then eat

their nutritional yeast."

Come on, kids.

Come get your yeast.

Ugh, your parents seriously make you guys wear timers?

That's right.

We have a lot of stuff on our schedule.

Oh, your schedule.

Like, if you had a timer, it might help you remember when to wash.

That's it.

One more rude comment from you and you're losing a big toe.

What?

Or worse.

Sam.

What?

Babysitting rules clearly state, "each child must leave with the same amount

of body parts they showed up with."

There's no rule that says "each child must leave with the same..."

Oh, look, it's number four.

All right, kids, take your protein pills and your nutritional yeast.

Where did this water come from?

The sink.

Ew.

Ew.

What's wrong now?

We don't drink sink water.

Get us some bottled water.

But we don't have bottled water.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Cat.

These are special kids and they deserve special water.

Which I'll go get.

We keep it in the bathroom.

Well, all right, dinner's almost done, you guys.

Ding dong.

We carry bags.

From the supermarket.

Why'd you guys come from the supermarket?

The little kids gave us 20 bucks.

Each.

To get us dinner.

But I've been making you dinner for the past hour.

See?

Chicken tots and tater balls.

We don't eat chicken tots.

Or tater balls.

All right, well, here are your steaks.

And your lobsters.

Yeah.

Nice lob.

Ooh, and I got you this new butter spray.

You just spray it right on the lobster before you eat it.

Love that.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

You guys are seriously going to eat the lobsters?

Of course we're going to eat them.

That's what lobsters are for.

But I thought you wanted them as pets.

Dude, they paid for the lobsters.

If they want to eat them, they can eat them.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

Come on, buddy.

I'll save you.

That moron buttered our faces.

I'm not supposed to get dairy in my eyes.

Dice, go get Goomer and make him apologize.

Whatever.

Goomer.

Okay, here we go.

Special water for Phillip and Kelly.

What brand of water is this?

Oh, it's from France.

It's called "Aqua Toilette."

Ooh, France.

Merci.

"Toilette," that kind of sounds like "toilet."

Oh, God.

How's your steaks?

Did I make them right?

Mine's overcooked.

Yeah, you didn't cook them right.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have rejected my chicken tots and tater balls.

Ding dong.

I got it.

Hello, I'm Cromsby.

That's not a real name.

But it is.

I work for the Baums.

I'm here to pick up their children.

Yay!

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude or anything.

You guys are just really annoying.

Phillip, Kelly, the car is out front.

Please go wait in it.

We don't want to wait in the car.

I'm not waiting in the stupid car.

Here's a $100 each.

You have five minutes.

Five.

Yes, of course.

Of course.

Is it wrong to hate a child?

Dude, if hating those kids is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Indeed.

Now, before I go...

Gun, Sam, he's got a gun.

Oh my God.

Why would he have a gun?

I don't have a gun.

I have tickets.

Doctor and Mrs. Baum are going to the Bahamas, and they'd like the two of you

to escort their children there.

Wait.

Why don't the Baum's just fly to the Bahamas with their kids?

If you were those children's parents, and you could pay someone

to fly with them, wouldn't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I would.

Absolutely.

Yes, well, two free tickets to the Bahamas.

Are you interested?

No way.

You can tell doctor and Mrs. Baum that we don't want to go on a trip anywhere

with their kids.

You'll be flying first class.

We don't care about...

First class?

Who cares if we're...

Yes. We'll do it.

No we won't.

Sam, please.

I've wanted to fly first class ever since I was a little girl.

What's the big deal about it?

Have you ever flown first class?

I've never been on a nice bus.

First class is magical.

I have 30 seconds.

The seats are real big and they go back all the way.

But that doesn't...

And they give you fancy food

with real forks made of metal.

Oh, food, you say?

And at the end of the flight they give you fresh-baked cookies and hot rags.

Well...

Hot rags.

The rags are quite hot.

Okay, we'll do it.

Hot rags.

I'll tell the Baum's...

What was that?

A rock that says,

"it's been five...

Minutes."

Yeah.

Okay.

Here is my school ID and my first class ticket.

I see it.

We're going to get fresh cookies and hot rags.

Cat...

These kids yours?

We're babysitting them.

Yes.

This is Phillip Baum, and that's his sister, Kelly Baum.

Boarding passes?

They are also riding in the first class section with us.