Friends

Previously on Friends:

- Excuse me, miss. - It's Phoebe.

- Will that be all? They're twins.

Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's hot.

- It's for Ursula. - Sure, yeah. Okay, it fits.

Marcel, give Rossy the remote.

How did he do this?

It's this whole stupid Ursula thing.

So he's going out with her. Is it really so terrible?

- You don't know my sister. - Talk to Joey.

- He's falling in love with her. - You won't lose him.

They haven't even slept together yet. That's not serious.

Oh. Um, yeah.

May we help you?

Rachel! Rachel!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

Uh, hi, uh, my friend was taking down our Christmas lights...

...and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or ankle.

My God, you still have your Christmas lights up?

Fill this out and bring it back.

- Okay. Here you go. - Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

Okay. Whew.

All right.

Name...

...address...

Okay. In case of emergency, call?

You.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Oh, gosh. I love you.

Okay, insurance?

Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely gonna want some of that.

You don't have insurance?

Why? How much is this gonna cost?

I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars.

- What are we gonna do? - There's not much we can do.

Uh, unless I use yours.

No, no, no, no, no.

Well, now, wait a second.

Who did I just put as my "in case of emergency" person?

That's insurance fraud.

Well, all right, then. Forget it. Might as well just go home.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow! - Okay, okay.

- Okay, come here. I hate this. - Thank you. I love you.

Hi, heh. Um, I'm gonna need a new set of these forms.

Why?

I am really an idiot.

You see, I was filling out my friend's form...

...and instead of putting her information...

...I put mine.

You are an idiot.

Yep, that's me. Heh. I am that stupid.

I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.

- That's nice. - That's nice.

No, no. With him.

I'm on this field, and they hike me the baby.

I know I've gotta do something because the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.

Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.

Right, but...

...it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us.

And so I, uh, heh...

I just heave it downfield.

What are you, crazy? That's a baby.

He should take the sack?

Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield.

And I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right?

Only I know there's no way I'm not gonna get there in time.

So I am running and I'm running...

...and that is when I woke up.

See, I am so not ready to be a father.

Hey, you're gonna be fine.

You're one of the most caring, responsible men in North America.

You're gonna make a great dad.

Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.

Oh. Have either of you ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?

Only if you order stuff.

I'm taking Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.

- Whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday? - When's that?

Uh...

...tonight.

Ugh, man, what are the odds of that happening?

You take your time.

There it is.

So, what are you gonna do?

What can I do? I don't want to screw it up with Ursula.

And your friend Phoebe?

If she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. Wouldn't you guys?

Man, if you tried that on my birthday...

...you'd be staring at the business end of a hissy fit.

You add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.

Okay, uh...

- Monica? - Yes?

Yes, she is.

- Hi. This is my friend Rachel. - Hi.

Hi, uh, Rachel, I'm Dr. Mitchell.

And I'm his friend Dr. Rosen.

Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor?

Excuse me?

God, young, young. I meant young, heh.

Young to be a doctor.

- Oh, good, Rach. - Thank you.

Right.

[R.E.M.'S "WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH?" PLAYING ON STEREO]

So he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.

Uh, you left out the stupid part.

It's not stupid.

The very cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said yes.

I think it's totally insane. I mean, they work for the hospital.

It's like returning to the scene of the crime.

- I say we blow off the dates. - What? Monica, they are cute.

They are doctors. Cute doctors. Doctors who are cute.

All right, what have we learned so far?

Surprise!

What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap out of me.

- Was that the cake? - Yeah.

I got a lemon shmush.

Come on. She'll be here any minute.

I hope it's okay.

"Happy Birthday, Peehee."

Maybe we can make a B out of one of those roses.

Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.

- Hey, what's going on? Oh, we just...

Surprise!

Oh, oh, oh!

This is so great.

Oh, my God.

This was not at all scary.

Hi, everybody. Hi, Betty.

Betty, hi.

You found Betty. Oh, my gosh. This is so great.

Everybody I love is in the same room.

Where's Joey?

Did you see Betty?

I tell you, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried-tomato business.

Five years ago, if somebody'd said to me, "Here's a tomato that looks like a prune"...

...I'd have said, "Get out of my office."

Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?

I'm not freaking out. I'm just saying...

...if someone had come to me with the idea...

Dad, Dad, Dad. I'm talking about the whole, uh, baby thing.

Did you, uh, ever get this sort of...

...panicky, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing?

No.

Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business.

I wasn't around that much.

Is that what this is about?

No, no, Dad. I was just wondering.

There's time to make up for that. We can do stuff together.

You always wanted to go to colonial Williamsburg. How about we do that?

Thanks, Dad. Really, heh.

You know, I just, I just...

I just needed to know, um...

...when did you start to feel like a father?

Oh. Well, I guess it must have been the day after you were born.

We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep...

...and they brought you in and gave you to me.

You were this ugly little red thing.

And all of a sudden, you grabbed my finger with your whole fist...

...and you squeezed it...

...so tight.

And that's when I knew.

So you don't want to go to Williamsburg?

We can go to Williamsburg.

Eat your fish.

Rachel, the cute doctors are here.

Okay, coming.

Hi, come on in. Hey, Michael, Jeffrey.

- Hi. - Hi.

Uh, here, we brought wine.

Look at this. It's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine.

- So how could we resist? - Oh, that's great.

- So, Monica, how's the ankle? - It's, uh...

Why don't you tell them?

After all, it is your ankle.

You know, it's feeling a lot better. Thank you.

Listen, why don't you guys sit down, and we'll get you some glasses.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Um... - Stat.

Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are?

- I mean, I think it'll be fine. - It will not. We'll get in trouble.

Monica, would you stop being such a wuss?

A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world.

- So? - So they still seem normal.

That's because they are.

You have to admit, when we go out with women we meet at the hospital...

Would you relax? Take a look around.

There are no pagan altars.

No piles of bones in the corners.

They're fine. Go like this: