Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23

Living in New York has taught me

that life is full of surprises.

They can be scary,

but if you're open to them...

They can also change your life.

Steven.

Chloe.

I knew this was going to happen.

So did I.

Oh, god! Yeah.

Oh!

Ohh! I like this picture of you.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah. Uhh.

Ohh! Oh, god.

Such a bad boy.

Oh, yeah, take me.

Aah!

Oh! Oh! June.

What the hell is going on?!

Hey, um... I can explain.

No, Steven, let me.

June, sweetheart,

I screwed your fiance on your birthday cake,

and I'm gonna be late with my half of the rent.

That's right. My roommate slept with my fiance

on my birthday cake,

and it was the best thing

that ever happened to me.

It's just like in "friends."

Have you ever seen anything so beautiful

in your entire life?

Only my newborn son's face.

I have to take a picture. I have to show my parents.

They're not gonna believe this.

I've heard that bread out there is $4 a loaf.

Don't buy bread!

I will send you bread!

I can't wait to show this to Steven.

He's my fiance.

He's getting his master's degree in behavioral psychology.

Once I finish my thesis,

I'll join you in New York, and we'll get married.

I'll be counting the days, June bug.

I made a giraffe out of pipe cleaners.

I know what you're thinking.

How did I get here?

It's like you're inside my mind.

Buchwald mortgage company.

They paid to relocate me.

They gave me this company apartment.

I mean, can you believe it?

I'm turning 26 next week,

and my life plan is right on schedule.

(Alarm wailing,

Hey! What's going on?

Uh, we've been shut down.

The government froze all our assets. What?!

Yeah. Apparently, Mr. Buchwald's been embezzling investors

out of billions of dollars.

Police are looking for him right now.

Where's buchwald?!

I don't think you understand.

I moved all the way from Indiana for this job.

Oh, you're June colbern.

Mark Reynolds. Hey.

I would've been your associate mentor.

Little advice... Adopt a looting mentality.

Oh, see? She gets it. You're never gonna use that, Rhonda!

I love it.

Oh, Rhonda.

(Alarm continues wailing,

Oh, my... What happened?

This building is an asset of buchwald mortgage company

and has been seized by the government.

But I live in there.

I don't think you do.

June colbern?

Where you want your crap?

Excuse me.

You can't live here.

I ordered a small coffee. They said I could sit here

if I ordered a small coffee, so...

June? It's me, Mark.

Hey, yeah.

Just got hired as a manager here.

Can't have a gap in the resume, right?

It's been, like, four hours.

Oh, yeah, I know.

Right. Well, I have a plan, too,

and it does not involve me going home and telling my family

that I'm a failure.

We have a spent a lot of money

putting you through grad school.

You're our little investment.

We've missed our last three mortgage payments,

but no pressure, honey!

I have to make it. I'm just...

I'm just gonna have to wait out the storm.

I mean, this bad luck cannot last forever.

"Roommate... wanted."

And that's Billy. That's joanne.

That's Austin, and that's Karen.

She's the serious one.

Oh.

Can you believe I'm a grandmother?

Look at my thighs.

Taut. Ropey.

Madonna ropey.

I don't enjoy rude women, loud women,

talky women, or redheads.

We may or may not become lovers.

That's... up to you.

So my last roommate of four years just moved out

to get married, and I say "roommate,"

but we were more like sisters.

We helped each other through all the ups and downs.

New York can be such a scary place

when you first move here.

You really need to have a good support system.

Chicken satay?

Top three things in my perfect day...

Chicken satay, live Brazilian music,

and baz luhrmann movies.

And prince Harry in my bed!

I extended it. I extended it to four things.

Is that a picture of Dawson?

Ah, yeah.

James Van Der beek.

The beek from the creek.

Le beek c'est chic.

Yeah, we dated for a while

and then decided we are better off as friends.

We weren't really compatible genitally.

Imagine trying to fit a cucumber

into a coin purse.

Ooh.

Anyway, so yeah, now he's like

my gay b.F.F. But straight.

Have you ever had a straight gay b.F.F.?

You're fantastic. You're fantastic.

And you're drinking a pink drink,

and... I I wanna live here.

It's first, last, and security to move in.

Oh, fine. I mean, that's everything I have in my savings,

but it is worth it.

Okay. Let's do it.

Oh, my god! Really?

Thank you!

Friends!

Psst! You.

Come here.

Come here. I'm trying to help you.

This is important information!

Are you here for the roommate posting?

Oh, yes, in fact, I i...

Don't trust the bitch in apartment 23.

Uh, excuse me? I'm... I'm sorry.

You said something really disturbing,

and then you slammed the door.

Hello?

No one's home!

Hi, Steven, it's me.

Oh, you're never gonna believe what has happened.

Call me when you get this.

Okay? Bye.

Hello, neighbor.

Hi. I'm Eli.

Building next door.

Oh, hi. I'm June.

I I just moved in.

You must be pretty hot from carrying all those boxes, huh?

Pretty sweaty? Yeah.

I guess I am.

I'm a little sore.

Yeah.

Sore.

What are you doing?

Hmm?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

No! You stop. Mm hmm.

No, you stop that! I'm calling the cops.

I'm calling the police!

What's up?

Whoa! Whoa. Whoa. Hey.

I can see your no no's.

Don't come in here. There's a pervert right there.

Hey, Eli.

Hey, Chloe.

Wait. You know that guy?

Oh, yeah, we're old friends. He shut down this

underground Sushi restaurant I was working at.

Health inspector.

Too much rat feces, Chloe.

So how was moving?

I was gonna help you,

but then I didn't want to.

Um... every... yeah, it was fine.

It was fine.

Um, I did kind of have