Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe

So, how about this?

A miniseries where I play a handsome astronaut

who ages in reverse?

Right? Great.

Great talking to you, James Cameron...'s assistant.

Boo!

Aah!

Oh, my God. You scared me.

Don't bring up God, okay?

I'm the devil. Remember?

You're not getting my soul.

You haven't lived up to your end of the bargain.

What are you talking about?

You're a famous, hot person. That was the deal.

No. The deal was I'd be a famous movie star.

You're one of the biggest movie stars of all time.

I loved you in "Edge of Tomorrow."

That was Tom Cruise.

Shit. Really? He was great.

But anyway, I just wanted to say

have fun tonight, but I got to head out.

You're not staying? No. I hate roasts. They're too mean.

Oh, well, do you have any advice? Yes.

Take everything personally, open with your best rape joke,

and if the night goes slow, just go into the audience,

grab a baby, and slap it.

Wait a minute. That's terrible advice.

What can I say? I give terrible advice.

I'm a terrible guy,

just like that character you played in "Topic Thunder."

-That was Tom Cruise. -I did it again.

So, after tonight, you're taking my soul?

No. I can't.

You already sold your soul when you did

those stupid DirecTV commercials.

Now go on out there and give as good as you get.

All right.

Hey, "RoLo," I got to come clean.

I know I look amazing, but I'm not the devil.

This is a fake tail.

This -- This comes off.

I am weird-eyed and barely funny television's Amy Poehler.

Five years ago on "Parks and Rec,"

we thought it would be funny to pull this prank, but it feels mean now.

I'm sorry.

Good try...

Mr. Devil.

God bless that beautiful dummy.

No live-tweeting this bitch.

[ Steel Panther's "The Burden of Being Wonderful" plays ]

Announcer: The Comedy Central Roast of this fucking guy.

And now please welcome your roastmaster, David Spade.

Thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe.

That's right.

We're here to honor one of the biggest stars of 1987...

with some of the biggest stars of 1984.

Ralph Macchio is here.

Ralph's a great guy. I drove over here with him.

Gave him five stars.

Many of you know Rob from "Parks and Rec."

A lot of you know him from "The West Wing."

A couple of people know him from Grindr.

And if you swiped right,

you met him in person 10 minutes later.

At one time, Rob was one of the biggest stars in the world.

He was an A-list actor.

He was named one of the 50 most beautiful people in the world,

and he fucked the other 49.

These are compliments.

And now, the moment your stepmom has been waiting for --

Rob Lowe's package.

I'm Rob Lowe.

And I'm painfully awkward Rob Lowe.

And I'm meathead Rob Lowe.

And I'm crazy-hairy Rob Lowe.

You don't want to be like me, anyway.

Who's ready to make a mother fucking movie?

Where's my hug?

Rivers: At 20, you have affairs with every leading lady

that you've been in a movie with.

Where do you read these things? National Enquirer, which does not lie.

What you got on underneath that skirt? You should know.

As you get older and you experience life,

you take on new sensations that have to be recorded.

Man: Rob Lowe was considered

a promising young Hollywood heartthrob.

Then, came the infamous videotape.

When did you find out she was 16?

Ha! A little too late.

Man: Rob Lowe's big "Snow White" musical number is

an Oscars disaster.

Literally. Literally.

Literally a never-ending roller coaster of emotion.

Is this how you guys decide to go to war?

I don't know. I'm usually not in the room when they do that. Sam.

Could somebody get her a cupcake or something?

Who wants Chinese takeout?

This guy is good.

You know what your problem is? Your face.

As a handsome man, it comes with the price.

It's a burden.

Scientists believe that the first human being

who will live 150 years has already been born.

I believe I am that human being.

-Whoa. -So freeing!

Are you gonna squirt some? You gonna cry?

You gonna cry? Ohh!

New uniforms for the playoffs?

Lowe: This may not be the Rob Lowe that people are used to seeing,

but it's the Rob Lowe that's inside me.

To hard cocks and handsome men.

It's a shame we had to sit through all that

just to see five seconds of the sex tape.

And please welcome our guest of honor,

my buddy, Rob Lowe.

Rob, good to see you. How's it going?

So far, so -- Talk to me at about an hour.

Is this guy hot or what?

There's not a dry pussy in the place.

We have a clean up on every chick's chair.

For years Rob Lowe had a sex addiction,

but he cured it by getting less famous.

Rob was in a movie called "The Outsiders" back in the day.

Remember that? [ Cheers and applause, wolf whistle ]

His character was called Sodapop

because, at the time, Rob was 98% coke.

I remember the first time I became aware of Rob.

I was at a casting meeting for "Tommy Boy"

when I came across your head shot,

and I do mean "came across."

He's good-looking.

It's not easy being Rob.

He said being so handsome made it difficult

for him to find meaningful roles.

I wanted to ask Brad Pitt about that,

but he was too busy acting in meaningful roles.

Rob's not a gay man,

but he plays one every moment of his life.

Rob has a line of skin-care products.

You can buy them online.

You won't, but you can.

Our younger audience might not know who you are,

so, kids, this is who your mom thinks about

when she's fucking your dad.

Rob was great on "The West Wing."

You remember that show?

I assume your pal Charlie Sheen helped you with that.

He's used to working with "aides."

White House aides.

What did you g--

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Rob looks great for his age.

Many people have wondered if he's had any plastic surgery.

Those same people have wondered

if Caitlyn Jenner has any plastic surgery.