Adventures of a Taxi Driver

Female singer: J“ my man's a taxi driver

j“ my man's a taxi driver

j“ I'd like to take a ride with you

j“ don't wanna be tied to you

j“ I promise I 7! Try my very best

j“ to please ya, darlin'

j“ you know that fair's fair with me

j“ there's things you can share with me

j“ so take my tip and we could skip

j“ formalities

j“ won't you be my cruisin' Casanova?

J“ click your fingers and I'll be over there

j“ smoothin' your hair

j“ soothin' your cares away

j“ there's no refusin' Casanova

j“ stop the clock and workin' overtime

j“ cruisin' Casanova, be mine

j“ my man's a taxi driver

j“ my man's a taxi driver j“

Narrator: Every major international city

has that most popular means of transport, the taxi.

That unique brand of conveyance

which combines efficiency with individuality.

Perhaps most popular for the personal service it provides.

Enthusiastic, hard-working, with never a moment's rest,

probably the taxi driver's most lovable attribute

is the warm welcome he is always eager to extend

to foreign visitors.

The moment you hail a taxi,

you can be sure of being greeted by a friendly smile,

a concern for your well-being,

and someone at the wheel always ready to lend a helping hand.

There are, at present, literally millions of taxis

operating throughout the world on a 24-hour basis,

ensuring that at any time, day or night, within seconds,

you can be speeding happily away to the destination of your choice.

Renowned for their total lack of prejudice,

a taxi will stop for anybody,

irrespective of colour, class, or creed.

Adored by the public

for their whimsical charm and delightful disposition,

perhaps, more than any other form of public transport,

the taxi driver holds a unique place in the hearts of the people.

Not least his fellow road users, who appreciate to the full

that quiet, courteous Patience,

that affable, friendly manner,

that consideration for his fellow motorists,

with whom he is always ready to exchange

a friendly wave and some merry little quip.

But, possibly more than anything else to his credit,

the taxi driver bears the distinction of being a driver of knowledge,

experience and efficiency,

reassuring all who drive with him

that the taxi is not only the safest vehicle on the road,

but holds the proud record

for being involved in the least number of accidents.

Without a doubt, we, the public,

owe much to these gallant knights of the road,

of whom it can truly be said,

"everything we feel for them,

"the y feel for us."

That'll be seventy-five, guv.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, you try smiling

when you've been lumbered with a miserable, tight-fisted git like him,

after you've fought through all the bleedin' traffic

and had him moanin' on at you, like it was all your fault.

Sorry about that.

Been a bit of a bad day, know what I mean?

By the way, my name's Joe.

Well, with a name like that, I had to go in the cabbing business, didn't I?

Been at it a year or so now. Got me own cab.

Well, almost. Soon as I've finished paying for it.

Yeah, it's not such a bad job, really.

Hard work, but then so's anything these days.

Not that I mind.

Got me health and strength, know what I mean?

Mind you, I'll be a lot happier when I get me own place.

Trouble is, you see, I live at home.

You need a bit of peace and quiet after doing this job.

And iivin' at home? No joke, I can tell ya.

Oh, yeah, makes a great start to the day.

Joe: Oh, come on, mum, I'm late as it is.

Well, it's your own fault.

Comin' in here last night, pissed as a newt,

crashin' about all over the place and wakin' me up.

Lay off, ma, will ya? Do us a favour.

You're gettin' more like your father every day, you are.

And you're gonna end up like him, Mark my words.

And where were you last night?

Out screwin' some poor, innocent little girl, I suppose.

- Just like your father. - Don't make me laugh.

You hardly knew him. You only met him once.

Don't talk like that in front of the baby.

You woke her up and all, didn't he, my dear little pet?

Have more consideration.

Anyway, it was twice I met him. Twice.

Gimme 'em!

Mummy'll give you somethin' nicer than that to play with,

there's a good little girl.

Well, are you gonna sit staring at that all day,

or are you gonna eat it?

I don't feel like eating. Look, just give me a cup of tea, will ya?

Mrs north: Oh, I don't know why I bother, I really don't.

I mean, food is wasted just as though it cost nothing.

Joe: All right, all right! Something's burning.

Porridge, by the smell.

Oh, it's all right, just at the bottom.

The top's all right.

- Don't like porridge! - Yes, you do. It's lovely.

It's horrid! Horrid! Horrid!

- Shut up! - Mrs north: Oh!

Mrs north: Now look what you've done.

You know it makes her cry.

All right, I give up. That's it. Bloody hell. I'm late as it is.

- Look, where's me fares book? - Oh, in the cupboard.

Oh, my god!

That little tyke's been thievin' again, ain't he?

Where is he? Peter! Come in here! Peter!

And he's like his father and all.

Wind up in the same cell with him, I shouldn't wonder,

the way he's carryin' on.

Peter!

How am I supposed to get to sleep with all this racket?

Yeah? So? Where's the fire, then?

Joe: Over here. Come here.

Look, what have you got to say about all this lot, then?

Good gear, innit? I mean, it's not rubbish, is it?

Here, you said you got a properjob.

Vveh, I have.

I mean, I'm doin' it proper now, aren't I?

Been working very hard at it and all.

I've got a sharp little organisation together.

You're gonna get us all into trouble one of these days.

I mean, anyone could just walk in.

Yeah, and all that lot iyin' there.

Not to mention twenty cartons of hairspray

I found hidden under me bed.

Fell off the back of a lorry, didn't they, mum?

You're gonna end up in the Nick with ten years ahead of you.

Peter's goin' in the Nick! Peter's goin' in the Nick!

Why can't you get an honest job for once?

What? Like driving a cab? Leave off.

Anyway, that's no more than bleedin' highway robbery,

so what are you doin' tellin' me to go straight?

Joe: Oh, choice. I like that.

Just don't ask me to bail you out, that's all.

It's your funeral.

What'd I tell ya, eh? It's always like that.

Makes it a pleasure goin' to work of a mornin'.

I tell you what'd cheer me up, be to pick up a nice bit of crumpet.

Very handy for introductions, this motor.

Female singer: J“ a man about town like you

j“ you have better things to do

j“ but spendin' the time

j“ I'll see that it's worth your while

j“ oh, baby

j“ I know you've been runnin' free

j“ I think you'd have fun with me

j“ forget the rest

j“ I'd like to test your drivin' style

j“ won't you be my

j“ cruisin' Casanova?

J“ click your fingers and I'll be over there

j“ smoothin' your hair

j“ soothin' your cares away

j“ there's no refusin' Casanova

j“ stop the clock and workin' overtime

j“ cruisin' Casanova, be mine

j“ my man's a taxi driver... j“

- Where to, darling? - Lambeth bridge, please.

Right you are, then.

Nice morning, innit? You off to work, then?

Yeah, I thought so. I can usually tell.

Well, being in this job, you have to be a bit of a psychologist.

What do you do for a living, eh? No, don't tell me.

Let me guess.

I'd say you're a secretary, right?

Personal secretary to some oil magnate, eh?

Really high-powered.

Don't let appearances fool ya.

Be a right little raver, this one, when it gets going.

Got a lovely little body on her, too.

No mistake.

Looks a bit miserable, though.

I know what she needs, right?

That's another thing I can tell.

Whether a bird's had a good seein' to, or not, the night before.

I reckon that one's had a right thin time of it lately, don't you?

Born in London, were ya? No, don't tell me. Let me guess.

I'd say, judging from your accent,

that you're from somewhere up north, right?

Yes, I can usually tell.

Somewhere like, er... Liverpool, maybe?

Yeah. Liverpool, I'd say.

She's weakening. What'd I tell you, eh?

Oh, yes, definitely softening up. Stands out a mile.

Which side of the bridge, love?